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How to get a tween to open up

 
 
Linkat
 
Reply Mon 1 Jun, 2015 08:03 am
This is new to me. My older daughter has pretty much been an open book with us. She gets a text that upsets her or is inapprpriate or something else is bothering her she tells us. Not so with my younger one.

She has been having issues with another girl bringing her to tears ... we finally found out via my older daughter. I started readings some of her texts to make sure she is longer talking with her...we would completely take the phone away but I need it to keep track of her.

Recently I read how she hurt her wrist in a game but wasn't going to tell us because she didn't want to stop playing ball. She doesn't appear to be injured and I asked if everything is all right aND she gets defensive and leaves. I also suspect she may be exaggerate an injuring to get sympathy from this friend.

So how to get a tween to talk and let you what is bothering them?
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 1,051 • Replies: 8
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PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Mon 1 Jun, 2015 12:34 pm
Every child is different so don't expect this one to be as open and verbal as your older one. For some reason, she prefers more privacy.

It's really important to allow her to settle her own disputes. And unless this other girl was bodily threatening her, why did you step in? That gives your daughter the feeling that you don't think she can handle things by herself. Why have you forbidden her from talking to this other girl? That may be why she is keeping things from you.

Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Jun, 2015 07:20 am
@PUNKEY,
The reason she is not allowed to speak with this girl is it is because her parents became involved. This daughter's dad actually texted my older teenage daughter threatening her -- I simply want her to have no more contact with her. This girl pretty much came out and said I don't want to be friends with you any more to my daughter.

Maybe the forbidden thing was explained a bit strongly - as I explained to her - there is nothing you can do about it if she doesn't want to be friends with you. So leave her alone. Her parents became involved as my daughter kept texting her saying I want to be friends with you I am crying, etc. My older daughter trying to help her sent this girl a text asking her to be nice to her sister and thus the dad sending a threatening message to my teenager -- I told them to just leave them alone as she has so many other friends there is really no need to bother someone that does not want to be your friend.

The funny thing is this younger girl is more verbal -- you know where she stands on everything she wears her heart on her sleeve. I don't mind the privacy -- it is when there is a real danger that I am concerned about -- for instance if she is really injured and she is trying to hide it as she wouldn't want to stop playing a sport for the injury to recover. Or someone threatening her or serious bullying.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Jun, 2015 10:17 am
I can't help, my parenting is based on respecting my children's space and privacy so that when we talk they know I'm not snooping but showing an interest. I've never read any of my kid's texts or emails unless invited to. I'm not surprised your daughter has clammed up, I'd do exactly the same if it were me.

If you want your kids to talk you have to respect their privacy or they'll just become more secretive. It won't be easy now you've read her texts.
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Jun, 2015 10:24 am
@Linkat,
Do you have a weekly time to spend alone with your tween? take her for a meal, go for a walk, go grocery shopping, do anything alone with her?

she may need that regular alone time with you (or maybe her dad) to do stuff and talk. Everyone has different ways that 'talking' works for them. As a tween/teen, mine was walking. I could talk to my parents about anything as long as we were walking. Gardening worked too, but that's only useful a few months a year in our climate.
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Jun, 2015 10:26 am
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
The funny thing is this younger girl is more verbal -- you know where she stands on everything she wears her heart on her sleeve.


yup. definitely a difference between being verbal, and being open and able to talk about the scary emotional/personal stuff.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Jun, 2015 02:20 pm
When I was 13 and started my period, my mother reacted so strongly that I never told her another thing about myself after that.

I have tried to be more approachable with my own kids, but it does not always turn out that way. I represent reality and experience, and sometimes they don't want to hear that - or they need to solve their own issues themselves. I step back, then.

Parents are wrong to run interference in spats that pre-teens have. Too bad the dad got involved. Most likely these girls would have worked this out by themselves. (It's so dramatic and exciting, anyway - just what these tweeners like. Big sister should not have gotten involved either, IMHO)

About the only thing you can do is to tell how you solved similar issues (when someone does not give you what you want - or teases you about it)

Assure and affirm her that "I'm sure you will work this all out."
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Jun, 2015 02:54 pm
@ehBeth,
I can see that .. my older though what you would call a quiet girl has a quit confidence where as open and outgoing my younger is she doesn't have the same sort of confidencr.

We don't get official alone time, but we do get a lot of time just her and me and daddy and her as both girls are involved in different things making us divide and concur in a sense. For example I was just away with her this weekend and Dad will be taking her away end of month.

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Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Jun, 2015 03:00 pm
@PUNKEY,
I agree on big sis and we told her so. She was just trying to be helpful. Younger girl is more sensitive and dramatic .. it's one of those things like you are saying I am directing her to be sensible ... saying who cares if she doesn't want to be friends you have so many friends that much nicer. She is all emotion.

The thing is my younger daughter does have a lot of friends...always has..I think she simply has a hard time or doesn't understand why someone wouldn't want to be friends and bothers her whereas I was always the type so what.

But simply I worry she will not tell me the really big things not these little spats.
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