Sexually Frustrated Wife

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I don't really know where to turn or what I think will be gained by sharing but I just have a compulsion to get this off of my chest. So I'm one of those (perceived) rare enigmas known as the sexually frustrated wife. I like sex. I wish I could have more sex. I'm good at it (so I've been told) and I enjoy it. What could be wrong with this? For starters, I'm married to a man who doesn't really like sex, or at least to have it...with me. Or he says he loves sex with me but will never/hardly ever initiate it. I'm a firm believer that actions speak louder than words and I'm almost certain he tells me he loves having sex with me because he loves me and he desperate want me to believe that or more so, to believe it himself. I know he doesn't want to hurt me or hurt my feelings and maybe the fact that 75% of the time that I try to initiate sex I get turned down he thinks I don't notice or take to heart. Unfortunately I do. I'm left frustrated and sad and sometimes even angry (usually at myself). Am I just married to a masochist who likes sex but doesn't allow himself the pleasure or is it something more? I don't know. I've come at it at every possible angle I can, and still can't figure out a workable solution that keeps me from feeling rejected and hurt. Not really sure what to do or if there is anything to do. We've communicated about it. Talked about it over and over. He's apologized, I've apologized. He's made promises to try harder, I've made promises to try not to let my feelings get hurt. But I'm back here where I've started...just like every other time. What are my options? Solutions? Masturbate? I do, more often than I would like. Do I stay hurt and frustrated? Most of the times but that doesn't help the situation. What, productive thing can I do?

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[+3] - jespah - 05/31/2015Two things. [list=1][*]A full medical workup for him, even if he has been this way all his life. Just, be certain that there are no underlying physical issues. Chronic pain can make you feel...

@Helpkel36,

Two things.

A full medical workup for him, even if he has been this way all his life. Just, be certain that there are no underlying physical issues. Chronic pain can make you feel very, very unsexy. So can depression. AND (not instead of and not as an alternative. Do both) -
Counseling. Talk to a third party - both of you need to - to work on compromising so that everyone's happy, or at least happier. I would suggest going separately, at least to start, as he might need to spill his guts to the therapist about you.

BTW, and please don't take this as a slam on you, but he might be uninterested because you don't have the equipment he craves.

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May I ask your ages?

Was your relationship always like this?

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@jespah,

Thank you Jespah. Trust me, we've had the gay discussion early on (before marriage) and he's not gay.

I should have mentioned in my original post that he does suffer from chronic pain due to an incurable condition/allergy. And though I am very supportive of this and we have dealt with it as a couple for years, I guess I just don't understand how he can go about doing other tasks of the day (ex: work, cleaning, running errands, etc) functioning at a normal level but not have the energy or want to have sex with his wife. I really don't mean to sound insensitive because I do know he is dealing with stress and frustration from his pain but it's tolerable enough to maintain other "normal function" but apparently he draws the line at sex with his wife.

...We have discussed counseling, I guess that is the best workable solution. I was just wondering if I could save us a few $$ and see if anyone on here could offer up a solution or idea I haven't thought of.

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@PUNKEY,

36

Not always, but from early on we discussed our different levels of sex drive (me=high, him=not so high)

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@Helpkel36,

I don't believe you can change someone's sex drive to suit the other party. You are either a sexual match or you are not.

He needs to compromise a little. You don't exactly state what type of "pain" where that pain is, that he is suffering from. Mundane boring work, is just that and perhaps he feels that he has to contribute something but he may also have depression over the illness. Any one that suffers pain either sucks it up and deals with it, or tries to and finds it hard or gives up. Depression sets in and sex sits further down the list of important things.

If you entered a relationship knowing you had a high sex drive and he had a low one, it's tough.

Here is the thing too. So you initiate it 75% of the time. You know that he has a low sex drive and an illness and possibly depression. You know he suffers from stress. Don't take it personally, you love sex, initiate it in that knowing, it's not to be taken personally..

Here is one more thing. Perhaps he "feels" that by having sex with you, that's what it is sex. You have a high sex drive. Some guys hate sex but love intimacy, feeling that they are wanted and loved during the "love making" and not a machine to be used for sex.

Always hug, kiss for no reason... Both parties deserve and want to be loved and know that they are.

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@Helpkel36,

Wow this sounds all too familiar because it's exactly how my marriage is!! My husband and I go through this constant cycle OVER and OVER. I love sex. We USED to have sex all the time when we were dating. Once we married and settled into the real world, there was no "honeymoon phase" that I thought we'd have where we'd have sex all the time. If I initiate it, I usually get shot down. I have asked him the problem before and he says he just doesn't HAVE to have sex. I tell him that it's a connection for me with him and we don't have that. He doesn't understand and says he shows me he loves me in other ways like helping with the laundry. When we do have sex it's quick and actually not that fun anymore like it used to be. I don't feel wanted. And after so much of this I ended up in an affair that I am in at this time in my life which is a whole different story!

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@Helpkel36,

You dont say how long you have been together but if it has been a long time then likely you are headed for a no sex marriage at some point. Then you either deal, leave, or get permission to get your needs filled someplace else. The playing with people outside your marriage is pretty common, if your husband loves you he will want you to be happy, and he will stop getting his face rubbed into the fact that he does not care much or at all about sex.....he is likely to feel that this arrangement is a relief.

The big red flag here is that you state that you believe he is lying to you. That will never do. And I dont see the point of going to a pro if he is going to lie, because you wont be able to get anything solved.

My tact would be to approach him with compassion and try to get him to be honest with himself and with you about what is going on, so that you both can fashion a way to go forwards. You clearly dont know why he is the way he is about sex, and he might not know either but he could certainly figure it out.

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I'm exactly the same too and its actually heartbreaking. I'm tired of being turned down all the time and am convinced its me despite him saying otherwise. He says he cuddles me and tells me he loves me all the time so why isn't it enough? Then i feel guilty and he gets hurt and sulky for a couple of days.
I love him dearly but i'm struggling with this same cycle. I feel unattractive, unwanted and 'used' as a cleaner/carer/cook etc. :-(

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@Helpkel36,

You're husband my need to see a doctor or some counseling.
...Maybe a toy for yourself as well

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Sexually Frustrated Wife

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