just found out my wife cheated on me

What does she want to do?

For the kid's sake, get into counseling. If things don't work out, at least you will be able to talk about the future and what is best for the kids.

she says that she wants to work things out. I just don't know if I will ever be able to trust her again.

Does either of you have coverage for counselling through a work plan? do you have a pastor you could speak with?

It sounds like both of you need individual counselling, and then possibly couples counselling.

How long has it been since you found out about the cheating? did your wife tell you herself?

Man, I feel for you.
Bottom line; the details of the cheating don't matter.
You've been betrayed.
When it happened to me I cut the bonds.
I knew I didn't have the strength, courage and conviction to patch it up.
I've known some people that were able to do it.
You're gonna have to look inside yourself and decide whether you've got the gumption.
Stay together for the kids?
It's an option.
But you'll serve them better as a happy, thriving live-apart father.
Just my opinion.

Did your wife tell you why she was cheating? Is she unfulfilled in the marriage? Have you neglected her? Usually, men cheat out of the spur of the moment and can forget about it afterwards. Women don't do this, they usually have a solid reason and don't get just caught up in the moment. It does happen, but it's rather unusual.
Ask yourself what you've done to make your wife feel appreciated, loved and
desirable.

I agree with others, you should both go to counseling - perhaps independently at first to find out if you're willing to work it out.

Err, Calamity, do you realise that you can infer from your post: if the man cheats - it's his fault, and if the woman cheats - it's his fault! (?)

Don't get me wrong - I think that we show what is important to us by:
- the time we put into 'it/her/him',
- the effort we put into 'it/her/him', and by
- the thought we put into 'it/her/him'

... and I see many marriages where one of the spouses (and often enough times, both spouses) doesn't give much of any of the three to the other spouse, essentially saying through their actions 'you aren't that important to me'

...and then, after a time of 'not putting in', is eventually left wondering 'where did it all go wrong?
-------------------------------------------

To the OP, if you are going to stay in the marriage just for the kids, then I would pose the question to you 'What are you going to teach the kids?"

Certainly you'll teach them that they are important to you.

And what about your anger? Will it affect how you behave towards your wife, and for how long will it effect how you behave towards her? Because if it effects you long term, you run the risk of teaching your children:
- how 'not to deal with anger'
- to blow up at the slightest 'provocation'
- to 'twist another persons words around'
- to 'think the worst of someones motives'
- how to be snide
- how to get revenge...etc

None of that may be you - they are just examples of how people who are suffering hurt and anger can react, especially if they can't escape the source of their hurt & anger...and kids learn the most from the most important role models they will have have - you.

As a note regarding what you will teach your children - studies show that social scientists can predict with 90% accuracy which couples will be together in 10 years...by how they fight/argue. So what how you cope with your feelings, and how you behave as a result of them if you stay (ie. if you feel ongoing hurt/anger, how you resolve conflicts)...may (or may not) have a bearing on the success of your childrens future relationships.

Happiness too...is in many ways, a learned 'skill'.

One of the reasons why counselling is so good if you do choose to stay,

Just something to think about.

Best of luck.

Damn. Come to think of it, that's kinda what it's implying, yeah. And it doesn't match my experience.

To the OP:

My ex and I were together only 3 years, 2 of them married, no kids. It may be that I wasn't a good enough partner, but that's debatable. Anyway, I did what panzade did and walked away. I've read stories from children of couples who stayed together unhappily "for the sake of the kids." They say that it was worse than having divorced parents. My take is that if you can't work through counselling and find a way to be genuinely happy again, then maybe think twice about whether divorcing for the kids' sake isn't a better option for them.

Yes that's right, vicorr!
Men and women cheat for different reasons. With men, it's mostly the thrill of it (not to generalize, there are exceptions) and when the opportunity is favorable.
Women cheat if they don't get at home what they're seeking. It can be attention, appreciation, love, sex, whatever. I do think that women (especially when kids are involved) take this lightly.

just a heads up on the situation.... We are going to take couples counselling and apparently my work covers it. To answer some the questions people have been asking. No, I am not to sure why she did it and I don't know if I ever will. I am good to my wife, I take care of my kids and we have a decent sex life. I have never hit her, I do majority of the housework and taking care of the kids. I don't smoke, don't drink and don't gamble.......plus I provide for my family by working 5 days a week 10 hrs a day and somehow it's my fault. I am not sure what I was doing wrong. I still love my wife and I always will, but I need to find a way to at least make an attempt to salvage what's left of the marriage before I just throw in the towel. What pisses me off the most is that she lied about when I first confronted her on the situation, then I ended up scanning her cell phone for deleted messages and found way more than I wanted to.

As for now she says she has made a mistake and has given me her phone. she has messaged the person she was with and told them to leave her alone. She has agreed to sleep on the couch until I am ready to have her sleep in the bed and she's also given me a copy of her work schedule so I know where and when she is to be home. and she has agreed not to go out unless I approve where she is going. She said that she is doing this in order to attempt to try to regain my trust.

later for now..... I will keep you guys posted.

It seems like she's putting a lot of effort into 'making up' for her actions. That sounds like a start.

In terms of fault, if it helps you at all, my belief is that 'fault' doesn't exist - just Personal Responsibility and Contributing Circumstances.

Ie. things (people, finances, upbringings, feelings etc) influence our decisions...often leading us to decisions we would not otherwise make without those circumstances... while we maintain personal responsibility for our decision making (ie. no one else is responsible).

How this works in a situation like yours is: she is responsible for her decisions and actions. If she doesn't take responsibility for them (responsibility, rather than blame), how can one start to trust again?...it's like the alcoholic - unless they admit they have a problem <ie they take responsibility for an issue of theirs> how can they ever hope to properly address the issues that lead to their alcoholism?

....And both of you look at the circumstances / influences / issues that lead to her decisions/actions. If there is a circumstance/influence that contributed significantly to her actions (ie. likely without that influence, she would not have done what she did) that can be modified (while maintaining the dignity of both people), then you have a path to problem solve the situation.

Looking at the contributing circumstances is what allows of understanding of a persons actions - of why they did something, and how others / other things contributed to it. It allows for open problem solving.

...Ie. Don't buy into fault (just my personal belief, but it seems to work so well in everything I apply it to).

Hope it helps. And again, best wishes.

Glad you're going to counseling; gonna be a long haul.
We'll be here to cheer you two on.

It won't be easy, and there are no guarantees as to outcome, but hopefully the counselling will help both of you come to a place that you can move forward - either as a couple or separately.

It seems to me there's no iron clad rule on what will affect children in a marriage. I imagine there are very few "perfect" families.

Marriages are often a mystery to anyone looking in.

In my case I led an idyllic childhood, unaware until my sister informed me recently that my parents had cheated on each other, one in retribution and that there was quite a lot of strife at times.

Looking back, my parents were "good" people, not "perfect" and I'm thankful they held it together long enough to celebrate their 60th anniversary

I know if it were me, I would never be able to forgive or trust her. It would hurt for a very long time. I would try some marriage counseling.