I have no sexual drive..?

Thu 21 May, 2015 07:36 pm
Strange question I know but I really want to hear other's opinions on this. I've only tried to talk to one other person about this, in real life, and he just called me a "faggot" so I never really had the courage to talk about it afterwords. Sorry for the long post and sorry if I posted this wrong, somehow, I'm new to these forums --

I'm a male and I've only masturbated at most three times, experimentally, during my 20 years of life but I never got any pleasure out of it. I rarely ever get erections. I don't find women nor men attractive although I have feigned interest for women my entire life. I was pressured to lose my virginity so I've tried to "get with" some ladies but I couldn't get erect in the sack.

I can see myself possibly wanting to marry a woman in the future if I like her enough as a person & if I genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with her, hell it could even be a dude if I like them enough. But I don't think I'll ever be sexually driven. Will that ruin any chances of me settling down? Will my sexual drive surface later in life? And is there some sort of term for my "condition"? I don't think my sexual inactivity is a byproduct of anything major like depression or some sort of disease or what have you, I just am this way I think.

Your opinions? Any help would really be appreciated, thanks!
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Thu 21 May, 2015 07:48 pm
I confess this is not something I have experience with, but asexuality is as valid as any other form of sexuality.

This article was interesting http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

And it mentions the organisation 'AVEN'


So I learnt something and you may have an avenue of meeting a life partner.

The FAQ is good.

General Questions

Can asexuals have successful romantic relationships with each other?

Yes! There are many asexual couples on AVEN, including one married couple, and other asexual couples exist who met in different ways. The hard part is to find a compatible asexual person, but as asexual visibility increases and asexuality becomes accepted, this is expected to get easier.

Can asexuals have successful romantic relationships with sexuals?

Yes. The tension between the sexual partner's expectations and the asexual partner's needs can be very difficult to work with in some relationships, and many asexuals consider success so unlikely that they prefer not to date sexuals at all, but successful mixed relationships do exist. Some of these relationships are completely sexless; in others, the asexual partner "compromises" by having sex occasionally under certain circumstances; in others, both partners experiment with pseudosexual behavior and find things that work for both of them. Like with any other compatibility issue in a relationship, the key is to establish excellent communication, so that both partners can know and respect the other's situation.

I just don't see how asexuals can be close to anyone. How can you have a relationship without sex?

There are myriad ways for asexuals to form close bonds and relationships with others. Some asexuals keep close friendships, some enjoy 'traditional' (but not sexual) romantic couplings. Others form completely different, perhaps unique, relationships.

Asexuals can be 'more than friends' or even consider their relationships 'closer than lovers'. Asexuals can be part of traditional couplings, be a non-sexual loving partner of a polyamorous (loving many) person or perhaps part of a group marriage or some other non-conventional relationship.

Asexual relationships are a 'blank slate'. There are no rules dictating how non-sexual love is expressed. Many asexuals consider their relationships to be outside the experience of our culture. It’s up to us to make up words to describe our bonds with other people.

The possibilities for non-sexual intimacy are vast. Some asexuals enjoy physical closeness, perhaps cuddling or stroking, with their partner. Some asexuals express intimacy through talking, maybe sharing their innermost fears and secrets or by making each other laugh. Some asexuals feel intimacy with their partners by sharing common interests and activities or by working together toward common goals. Others experience intimacy in other deeply personal ways or by a combination of some, all or none of the above.

Some asexuals, instead of establishing one-on-one romantic relationships, prefer to connect with the people around them in a community-based intimacy framework, establishing emotional intimacy with other people (including sexuals) without forming expectations of sexual or emotional exclusivity. For asexuals who are comfortable with this setup, it can alleviate the biggest source of tension in a standard mixed relationship (because the sexual person can have their sexual needs met elsewhere).

Is it possible to be asexual as well as lesbian, gay, or bi?

Yes, it is. Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, but some experience romantic attraction, which can be directed towards either or both sexes. Some asexuals therefore identify as gay or lesbian asexuals, while others identify as straight asexuals; others don't much care about the sex of their prospective partners, and still others don't want romantic relationships with anybody at all.

Why do asexuals want romantic relationships, anyway?

Not all asexuals do want romantic relationships. Some asexuals want romantic relationships because they experience romantic attraction. These asexuals get crushes and fall in love just like romantic sexuals do, except without the desire for sex.

For Asexuals

I would like to date a certain person, but I'm fairly sure that they're sexual. How can I approach them without giving them the wrong impression?

First and foremost, be honest with them about how you feel and what you're capable of sharing as part of the relationship. It's important to talk about how both of you feel about each other, the relationship, and the possibility of sex.

Many people have low or no interest in sex. Don't assume that everyone else is sexual, even if it sometimes feels that way. Some sexual people will be willing to commit to a non-sexual person if they feel really strongly about them. It's worth taking the chance.

If my partner is sexually attracted to me, does this mean that their feelings are shallow and physical and they don't really love me?

There are some people in the world who enter relationships for the purposes of sexual gratification and not much else. Needless to say, these people shouldn't be paired with an asexual.

However, many sexuals really do love their partners very much. The fact that such feelings are mixed in with sexual attraction doesn't make them less "pure" or real, and sexual people don't have the power to magically take the sexual bits away from their feelings of love, even if some of them would like to for the sake of their partners.

Do I owe my partner sex because of things I've been doing with them, like flirting or kissing or letting them take me to fancy restaurants?

Absolutely not! Nobody ever owes sex to anybody else. People should always have control over what other people can do with their bodies, and you always have the right to say "no" to sex.

That said, sometimes there are situations that can lead a sexual person to expect sex, resulting in frustration for both parties later on when sex is denied. To avoid these situations, it is best to inform the other person about asexuality and your own boundaries before the opportunity for misinterpretation arises.

Even if you forget to do this, you still have the right to say "no"! It is better to frustrate your partner a little than to let yourself be pressured into a sexual decision you may regret for the rest of your life.

My partner is pressuring me to do sexual things that I don't want to do. How do I resolve this tension?

Pressure of this sort is often a bad sign in a relationship and can be a problem for sexuals as well. However, different people have different comfort zones and your partner may not be aware that their comments or actions are being interpreted as unwelcome pressure. Make sure that you and your partner have both communicated clearly about your expectations and boundaries within your relationship. With good enough communication, you and your partner may find ways for your partner's sexual needs to be met without making you uncomfortable.

If your partner does not attempt to listen to you reasonably or take "no" for an answer, but continues pressuring you, this is a very bad sign indeed. It may be best to find a better partner who can respect your choices regarding your body.

For Sexuals

I think my partner might be asexual. What should I do?

Introduce the topic to them gently. Some closeted asexuals may be afraid to discuss asexuality because they don't know what it means. They may think you are accusing them of being broken or sick. Some people prefer to bring up the fact that asexuality exists without necessarily making any implications regarding their partner, and see where the conversation goes from there. AVEN or a similar resource can be very helpful in such discussions.

In the meantime, whether your partner is really asexual or not, there are some general guidelines that you may find helpful. The importance of communication cannot be overstressed. Take nothing for granted about your partner's sexuality. Do not assume that they necessarily want to participate in any particular act with you. Respect their body and choices, even if you have trouble understanding them. Avoid creating an atmosphere where sexual acts seem like a duty or an obligation.

If my partner isn't sexually attracted to me, does this mean that they don't really love me?

No! Asexuals feel love as strongly as anyone else does; it simply isn't connected to sex for them. However, your partner may feel confused and alienated from you because they do not understand how important sex is for you and why you desire it. Good communication can help bridge this gap.

I'm sure my partner is asexual but they won't talk about it with me. What can I do?

It is hard to know what to do in these situations. It is possible that your partner is asexual but is afraid to admit it, because they think it will make them broken or sick, invalidate their masculinity, cause you to reject them, or otherwise have negative consequences. It is also possible that something completely different is going on that they refuse to talk about for some other reason. Make sure that your partner feels they can talk to you without being judged. (The assignment of the "asexual" label may in itself feel like a judgment - in such cases, it may be better simply to bring up the fact of asexuality's existence and introduce your partner to AVEN or a similar resource.)

If you have a really unsolvable communication problem with your partner and are suffering as a result, it may be time to seek other avenues such as couples therapy. You may need to take stock of all aspects of your relationship and see if it is worth continuing.

We had great sex at first but now it is totally gone. I don't understand. Is it possible that my partner has suddenly turned asexual?

There are many reasons why sex may die off in a relationship. Asexuality is one possible reason. Sometimes an asexual person will allow themselves to have sex for a while, but bad feelings about sex will build up in their minds and they will find themselves unable to do it anymore. Or they may at first have sex because they see no other options, but then cease to do it as they learn more about themselves.

There are a lot of other reasons why a person could at first have sex with their partner but then stop. To some extent, a reduction in sexual behavior is normal once the novelty of a sexual relationship wears off. Further reductions can happen because of anything from stress to illness to a problem in the relationship. All of these things (including asexuality) should be worked through together.

My partner masturbates and/or watches pornography, but doesn't want to have sex with me. How is this possible?

Some asexuals (though not all) have sex drives, but see them as a private thing that should be taken care of alone, like going to the bathroom. Some of these asexuals find it helpful to use pornography to speed the process along. While not sexually attracted to the people in their erotic materials, asexuals with sex drives can sometimes pick up a general feeling of sexuality from such materials. Some asexuals even have sexual fantasies, although they do not wish to carry out these fantasies with real people in real life. However, it is also possible that your partner is sexual, but wants to avoid having sex with you for some other reason. The best way to know is to talk to them openly.

What exactly is it that asexuals will and won't do? Do they enjoy kissing and cuddling? How about second base, or (fill in the name of a pseudosexual act here)?

This depends entirely on the asexual in question. Some asexuals dislike any physical contact at all. Some like to cuddle, but nothing more. Some enjoy any number of activities that most people see as sexual, and some are all right with having sex provided that they trust the other person enough. The only way to tell what your partner enjoys, what they are comfortable with, and what's unacceptable for them, is to ask.

I want to stay with my partner and support them but the lack of mutual sexual feelings is killing me. What can I do?

Communication is essential, but it does not always solve everything. Sometimes, despite everyone's best efforts, a mutually satisfying compromise cannot be reached. Sometimes, people stay in such a relationship and put up with mutual frustration for the sake of their love and commitment to each other. Other times, the relationship must end.

You should know that there are places where a person in your position can get support. The For Sexual Partners, Friends, & Allies section of the English AVEN forums is visited by many sexuals in relationships with asexuals. There are also many unaffiliated support groups for people in sexless relationships. You are not alone.

Thu 21 May, 2015 07:59 pm
Mitcheeta wrote:
I don't think my sexual inactivity is a byproduct of anything major like depression or some sort of disease or what have you, I just am this way I think.

Have you had blood work etc done?

It is possible that you are asexual or you could have a hormonal imbalance. Worth having it checked at least once.
Thu 21 May, 2015 09:55 pm
Star Trek had a Sexual Drive...it was like "Sexual Drive 5...Sexual Drive 9..."
"de enjins woont take it captin..."
"Damit, Scotty, I said Sexual Drive 9"
But the engines always took it and no one ever blew up . There's a moral there about Sexual Drives and how much they can take...
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Fri 22 May, 2015 05:49 am
See a Dr.

You may have low testosterone or even be depressed.
Fri 22 May, 2015 11:00 am
I am not a medical professional but my guess is that this may be rare but not unique to you. I am sure there are other men and women who share the same feelings or lack there of for sex. There may even be groups you can join if you are open to it with like minded people. I truly believe there is someone for everyone and if you feel the need for companionship or would like to be married one day you will be able to find someone that shares your feelings in this regard. Sexual desire fluctuates for many people throughout life. Do you feel a desire for affection or are you adverse to be being touched in any aspect? It would help to see a professional if you are concerned or at very least rule out a hormonal imbalance. Otherwise just accept who you are and find other things you feel passionate about.
Fri 22 May, 2015 04:12 pm
Thanks for the response! It was all very enlightening.
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Fri 22 May, 2015 04:16 pm
No I have not had myself checked, perhaps I will. Thanks for the suggestion. Although I don't believe I have any other symptoms common to hormonal imbalance like fatigue or skin problems or mood swings or any of that... but of course that doesn't exempt the possibility that that is what's wrong with me. Again, thank you!
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Fri 22 May, 2015 04:33 pm
I do have a desire for affection and when I'm older, perhaps, I'd like to have kids. And I'm not adverse to being touched in any way, I'd like a good snuggle as much as the next guy! Perhaps I'd, begrudgingly, use viagra occasionally for the sake of my significant other too. Although I don't know if I can feel arousal like normal people do nor do I think I'll ever be physically attracted to anyone. I dearly hope my sexual desire fluctuates as you suggested or if it's something that can be remedied with some estrogen pills or what have you if it is just hormonal imbalance. I imagine it will be difficult to find someone who'd be content with never really having a physical relation outside of the occasional snuggle or viagra fuelled sex, unless I find someone similar to me but I can see that proving difficult finding someone right for me that is also asexual.

It's something I put a lot of thought in and it's really scary to me that I may end up alone in the end... Anyways, thanks for all your answers! And sorry for sounding so whiny, it's really been quite a dilemma for me.
Fri 22 May, 2015 05:33 pm
First of all, you do not sound whiny. This is a real condition and you are trying to develop a better understanding of it. Actually, I think it's both brave and positive that you are looking for answers. I found something online for you. Are you familiar with AVEN? I knew there would be a group or organization of people with the same inclinations as you are experiencing. Here is the link:

Perhaps you can find answers you are seeking there. I do think it's worth seeing a doctor about it. Do you have a primary care physician? When I have my annual physicals, blood work is performed routinely to make sure your levels are normal. You can have your hormone level checked. Perhaps your doctor can refer you to a specialist? Find a doctor you feel comfortable discussing this with, believe it or not, many doctors have seen and heard everything. There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
I'm married and have a robust sex life with my husband but even I too worry if something happened to my husband that I would end up alone. Many people have that fear, it's called being human. I also know married people who are not affectionate and haven't had sex in years. I know couples where one person always wants to have sex and the other never wants to have sex. My point is, all relationships have their own rhythms in the sex dept.
You would be surprised to know there are many women who are not that interested in sex but want someone to share a life with and have an intimate relationship in other ways. Do you have close friends or family members you can discuss these feelings with or do you feel as if it's a secret? I think you are being too hard on yourself. Do some research, see a doctor and be proactive in educating yourself. I may be wrong but you seem young and It's heartbreaking to think you are distressed by this circumstance and are feeling isolated in your concern. This is a big world. I'm confident you will find someone that shares your feelings about this. Perhaps if you live in a major city there may be a support group. Fortunately with the internet you should be able to find that support online. Perhaps you can embrace who you are and look at this as your journey to self-discovery? I wish you the best and feel hopeful that you will find the answers you are seeking.
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Fri 22 May, 2015 05:41 pm
Oh my gosh...I went back to read previous replies and realize someone already sent you the link. Sorry for being redundant.
The person who you tried to speak to about it was either immature, an idiot or both. Do not let someone else's opinion define who you are. Do you have any female friends? I find women may be more understanding but perhaps that is a bias because I'm female. Ultimately you should firstly seek advice from a medical professional to rule out any biological factors. Twenty years old is too young to think you will end up alone in life. Your person is out there.
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Sat 4 Jul, 2015 08:45 am
So curious to see how this is developing?
I am just hoping you will one day see THAT person
and feel erection right there! Best of luck.
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Mon 3 Aug, 2015 09:22 am
What you seem to be describing is asexuality. In 2006 it came to be used as another sexual orientation for those not sexually attracted to any biological sex (there are in fact at least 6, not 2.) An asexual may develop affinities and even romantic feelings, but when it comes to actually engaging in sexual behaviours, they have no desire to. Unlike those who lose their sex drive though, the working definition for asexuality is 'a lack of sexual interest, but not suffering because of it.' As compared to say some kind of religious clergy forced to be celibate and constantly struggling with it, the asexual isn't struggling to refrain, it's as natural not to have sex for them as it's natural for a heterosexual or homosexual to desire who they desire.
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Mon 3 Aug, 2015 03:46 pm
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Tue 19 Mar, 2019 04:51 pm
A man with no sex drive.... i would say congratulations, you are the perfect match for at least 50% of all the women in the world!
Fri 19 Apr, 2019 01:22 am
You need to be physically active and exercise more. Go to the gym and lift weights to raise your testosterone. Eat more spicy food, chocolates.
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Fri 19 Apr, 2019 10:52 am
[quote="Mitcheeta! Perhaps I'd, begrudgingly, use viagra occasionally for the sake of my significant other too.

I don't know if it's safe for somebody of your young age to take Viagra or Cialis, but if you did, I think your sexual interest would be greatly enhanced. Viagra and Cialis are priced so high in the United States that most people couldn't afford them at any rate, but there are safe sources overseas at very reasonable prices. I use these sources myself, and I can tell you--or anybody else-- how and where to order these drugs if you're interested.
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Tue 30 Jul, 2019 02:53 pm
Maybe you’re asexual? I actually have an especially friend and your story sounds a similar to hers.
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Mon 20 Jan, 2020 02:27 am
Maybe, you need to see a doctor? And I'd also visit a psychologist, because maybe that situation was caused by trauma or something like that.
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Tue 21 Jan, 2020 07:17 am
I think so.
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