Partner with wandering eyes

Forums: Relationships, Gay, Jealousy, Almost Cheated On
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I've never been the jealous type. I've been in a couple of long-term relationships, one of them fifteen years and another for eight years. Not once was I jealous of my partner's wandering eyes, or other actions. I knew I was in a healthy relationship and it didn't bother me. Heck, I looked at and appreciated good-looking men, but would look, and move on. Currently, I have been in a relationship with a guy for over 4 years and hadn't felt feelings of jealousy while we've been together, that is up until a little over a year ago. I caught him about to cheat. It didn't happen, but it came this '' close. I know it, he knows it, and the third party, of course, knows it. I caught them just as it was about to happen. Now when I see him looking at men, it gets to me. But he doesn't just "look" at them, he "stares" at them until they are out of his sight. And the look in his eyes is so different from when he looks at anything or anyone else. It's like he escapes into a fantasy world and he is oblivious to everything going on around him. This works on me. I wonder if I wasn't with him at that moment, if he would make a move. I haven't said anything to him about this, even though we speak freely with each other. I have never had these feelings before...yes jealous feelings, and I need to work on myself so I don't feel this way. I need to deal with this on my own. I know I wouldn't feel this way if the incident from a year ago had never happened. One; because we have such a great relationship, two; I know he loves me and I love him, three; the sex is the best I've had. But when he "glares" at others I wonder what he's thinking. I almost want to sarcastically say; "Go talk to him." But of course I don't. Thanks for reading and I hope you have some good advice for me.

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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 1,408 • Replies: 8

[+3] - FOUND SOUL - 06/27/2015iLevan, it's obvious you've been cheated on based on the threads you tend to reply to, constantly.. I hope you received counselling and find what you are looking for. Don't assume though...

@rtanto,

I hate to default immediately to counseling, but you and your partner really need to talk. I suppose it might not be anything, but a trained therapist can help everyone to zero in on issues and keep it honest.

I don't know your partner, but I have seen people stare at others like a predator. Its unsettling, but i honestly don't know if it means the are anxious to cheat or are just being rude. I understand why this would make you uncomfortable, no one wants to be a place holder for someone else while they shop for the next great thing.

Try bringing it up with him, if he waves it away as if it is nothing, he's not respecting your feelings. I hope things work out well for you. Good luck.

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@glitterbag,

Thanks for the comforting reply glitterbag! Much appreciated.

I am in therapy now and have asked my partner to come in for a couples session (or two). He has agreed but it hasn't happened yet. He works long hours and we haven't been able to work it out for him to come in.

My only two thoughts are what you mentioned; that he's anxious to have sex with a stranger (cheat) or just doesn't realize how rude he is being. I purposely don't stare at men when my partner is with me, because yes, I think it's rude. Glitterbag, if you could just see his eyes when he stares at someone!!! It happened this weekend...we were at his nephews graduation party, and a (gay) guy that works with my partner's sister was there, and my partner couldn't take his eyes off of this guy. He even stood up to get a better look when the guy was walking to his car to leave the party. My partner was totally oblivious to his sister and I trying to ask him a question while he was in fantasyland. It was as if we weren't even there.

Thanks again for the reply and well wishes.

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Is this a habit he has?

If so, he's not going to change. Live with it, leave it - or he has to change.

If this is just recent, then ask him why he thinks he can act "available" to others, right in front of you.

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@PUNKEY,

It's only a habit with him when there's a good looking guy in his sight. Smile

And it does seem to be only recently that he's been doing this (within the last year after I caught him about to cheat). If he did it before that, i guess I didn't notice.

I know he won't change, and I don't want to try to change him. I need to adjust my thoughts on this, and deal with it. That's what I'm looking for help with, on how I can change my thought patterns with this.

Thanks for your input PUNKEYmon, appreciate it!

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@rtanto,

First of all, I want to say I am sorry that your partner is an asshole and that he does NOT deserve you. He takes you for granted and does not appreciate you at all anymore from the sound of it.

Second of all, I want to say that I am sorry but this might not work out and that you should've dumped his sorry ass whenever you caught him "about to cheat". Honey, he WAS cheating. And cheating is always the meanest and most hurtful thing someone can do to their partner, I don't give a **** if there "isn't enough affection" or "the sex is gone" or what have you. If the relationship has changed and YOU aren't happy, than you need to LEAVE. Don't allow him to cheat on you, don't allow people to hurt you like that because that is, above all other terrible emotions, completely and utterly devastating.

Leave his sorry ass. Pack your **** and leave. He does not deserve you and your love and affection. He does not deserve your body or your time. There is someone out there for you who will not treat you like that and betray you like that. You deserve so much more.

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@iLevan,

iLevan, it's obvious you've been cheated on based on the threads you tend to reply to, constantly..

I hope you received counselling and find what you are looking for.

Don't assume though that every situation is the same, as it's not.

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@rtanto,

rtanto, you are a faithful soul and expect the same from your partner.

Jealous is a waste of space let's face it and I'm glad you've gone through life in trusting relationships and had successful ones.

My thoughts are:-

1. Perhaps he has an identity problem with himself, does not feel that he is good looking enough and therefore eyes off others intensely
2. Perhaps he has not been faithful in his past relationships and isn't ready for a commitment.
3. Perhaps this time you may have got it wrong, see above, he may not be ready for a committed relationship.

In the event he does cheat on you, it's not a reflection of yourself, as you've stated your sexual relation is good, love is there.

You are correct, you can't change him and what will be, will be. I would though given your track record ask him, in the event he ever decided to cheat and was caught in that moment, freeze, halt, walk a way, leave you and then do what he wants..

I'm not sure how you can solve this, love is love, "in-love" is totally different you are thick and thin in every aspect and wouldn't even contemplate it.

Perhaps sit down and view your relationship without the rose coloured glasses and see if anything is missing in that relationship that you both can build on.

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@rtanto,

rtanto wrote:

I haven't said anything to him about this

Well. Here's a place to start.

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Partner with wandering eyes

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