Just want a second opinion

Forums: Relationships, Trust, Fidelity
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A lot of sketchy stuff has been happening this week. Me and my (serious) girlfriend were planning to go to her friends wedding for the last few months now. I had even taken vacation from work to do so. At the last minute she un invited me because "none of the other girls were taking their boyfriends and the wedding wouldn't be fun anyway". I'd think if it weren't going to be fun then that'd be more of a reason to bring your significant other but I suck it up and agree not to go. Then later in the week I notice her ex boyfriend calling her at late hours more than one night but she says it's because he misses her but she never responds or picks up the phone. She then went to the wedding yesterday saying she would call when the ceremony was over. I never get a call and in fact, I only got two very short messages saying "i miss you" in a nutshell. Seems fishy to me that she won't talk to me at all and then the icing on the cake is that I was able to confirm that her ex (we all work in the same building but not together) was not at work all day the day of the wedding either. I think she took him to the wedding right underneath my nose. What do you guys think? I should add that we are very serious. She tells me she loves me so much every day. We talked about having kids and she said she wanted me to start moving in with her a few days back. Also, I have been planning to propose to her and she knows that I am. In fact, I was going to do it today and I'm 95% sure she knows it's coming today. So, my question is, if she knows all that and says all that, why would she be doing something like this where I have to question what is going on?

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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 1,082 • Replies: 16

@stl4life101,

I'll re-state the obvious..before you start making long term plans, better bring all of this wedding re-arrangement (and your concerns about her ex) out in the open.

I'd ask her point blank if her ex went to that wedding. However, it is unclear if he was already invited to the wedding regardless of her inviting him. not that it still isn't a little fishy. Does he know the wedding couple?

Furthermore, I'd postpone or rethink proposing right now 'cause it sounds like you're worried and have legitimate concerns. She was pretty inconsiderate to cancel the wedding invitation to you at the last minute...particularly because you gave up your vacation time. Also, she should've found out about those b/f invite restrictions well before the last minute. It smells to me.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

The only way he would know the wedding couple is through their past relationship. I know they aren't friends outside of that. I know bringing this up will make me sound really insecure and that I don't trust her but do I really have any other option at this point?

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@stl4life101,

You need to know - so ask in a way that doesn't sound accusatory. You need to explain to her that you saw he was not in the day of the wedding...and it is making you curious whether or not he went to their wedding.

0 Replies

@stl4life101,

I wouldn't bring up your suspicion yet - you need proof first. It's easy to find out from other sources if ex-boyfriend went or not. Once you have proof, you can confront her.

As for proposing: don't do it! She clearly doesn't have your best interest at heart, regardless if her ex went to the wedding or not. She was insincere when she uninvited you on short notice, knowing that you have taken vacation time already. In addition to that, the reason for her going alone, is more than fishy.

Back off and observe her more carefully. If she is that dishonest beforehand, she'll be worse once you're engaged or married, except then it's much more difficult and costly to part ways.

Good luck!

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

The problem is I have no idea how I'd find out if he was there or not. It was all of her friends there so it would be inappropriate for me to ask them a question like that. Especially since the response would more than likely be, "you need to talk to her about that". When she gets back later I'm just going to flat out ask her if she's happy or not and to not lie to me because she knows my intentions and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Her response to that will determine where I go next but what do you think? Should I leave the ex stuff out if she tells me she's happy and wants me be with me forever as well?

3 Replies

@stl4life101,

I think you are quite naive to think she'll be telling you the truth.
Of course she will tell you that she's happy with you and is expecting you
to pop the question and give her an engagement ring.

You seem quite passive and needy - not a very good combination for a healthy relationship.

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

I'll give you passive but I'm far from needy. She is the one who pushes on most of these topics and obviously I want them too it's just that this kind of came out of the blue and I'm not sure why anyone would say those things if they didn't truly mean them. I mean, who wants a bad marriage? Guess it's time to leave everything on the table.

1 Reply

@stl4life101,

Maybe she just wants a nice engagement ring, who knows.....
You should know her better than anyone else, and if you question her feelings and her actions, it must be a legitimate concern. Therefore, the logical conclusion would be to wait and see how the situation unfolds.

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@stl4life101,

stl4life101 wrote:

Especially since the response would more than likely be, "you need to talk to her about that".

you need to talk to her about all of this.

it's clear that you're not secure in the relationship and she needs to understand her role in that

___

it doesn't sound like either of you is in an emotional space to be married, or to even think of a serious relationship

she is still more attached to her girlfriends than to you - she cancelled plans with you because of them - I don't think that's a good sign. Just as I don't think women should cancel plans with their girlfriends because a guy asks them out, I don't think anyone should cancel plans with a significant other because of other friends'plans. It's simply not nice.

______

Take your time with all of this. Put the engagement thoughts on hold. Let her know how you feel about her cancelling the invitation. Don't get into a big debate about it - just let her know.

Continue dating - but take it easy while you both figure things out. She needs to figure out if she's ready to put you first.

0 Replies

@stl4life101,

stl4life101 wrote:

When she gets back later I'm just going to flat out ask her if she's happy or not and to not lie to me because she knows my intentions and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

no

neither of you is ready for a forever discussion with each other

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Hey, I'm not here to rationalize with you guys. I came here for a second set of eyes to see what's going on. Now that I have actually written all this down reality really slapped me hard. Thank you for all your responses! It really helped me see things for the way they are. The harsh truth is better than being told what you want to hear.

1 Reply

@stl4life101,

Psst there might be pictures by now. If you really want to know if the guy went to the wedding, there may very well be something on social media by now.

2 Replies

@jespah,

very good suggestion

0 Replies

@jespah,

Nope I already thought of that.

1 Reply

@stl4life101,

perhaps it's too soon?

0 Replies

@stl4life101,

stl4life101 wrote:

why would she be doing something like this where I have to question what is going on?

wait

her ex phoning her and taking a day off work is something your girlfriend is doing?

that is quite a leap in logic

______

you really need to think about this - don't bother about the ex, he's irrelevant to what's going on with you and your girlfriend

0 Replies

Just want a second opinion

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