The Insult Chain Game

Well, when you say friends you mean the odd looking duo who "liked" you on facebook.

I have realised that most of my underwear has recently shrunk slightly in the wash.

Bermp

Yeah, especially in the waist and butt area, huh? I'll bet your belt has "mysteriously" shrunk, too. In fact, I'll bet the only thing that hasn't shrunk is the size of your meals. It's called denial. Buy some new and bigger underwear. That will solve your problem.

I can't figure out why my refrigerator sometimes makes a loud buzzing sound.

Good grief. That's not a refrigerator. It's a wood framed beehive. It's not even on your property.

I'm really digging this new NPR One app I downloaded last week. I'm now Chromecasting it through my television.

I guess they must have added that Farm Animal Erotic Stories section you've been badgering them for. You'll go blind, y'know.


I may have a bath in a minute.

Possibly getting caught in a brief rain shower hardly constitutes the cleansing bath your filthy body desperately needs. And try investing in some soap, you slob.

I'm going to order some items from Amazon today.

Your identity and your financial situation are so worthless that when you order from the phishing site, Amazin.ru thinking it's the same thing as Amazon.com, the hackers not only bother not stealing from your bank account and your identity, they just simply send the items you are trying to buy in the first place.

My book club is meeting this Saturday evening for pizza. We'll be discussing music centric book. I finished reading A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan.

You finished a book? It must have had lots of big pictures.


My bulbs need transplanting.

You don't transplant light bulbs, you birdbrain, you change them. And you don't need two guys to turn the ladder while you do that.

I made myself a very substantial breakfast today.

Are they tulip? Mine comes up every year without 'transplanting.'

So you're telling us you cleaned out the dumpster behind the Dunkin' donuts, the Taco Bell and the IHOP? I see you're cutting back since the doctor advised you to stop your Chris .Christie impersonations.

There were a lot of strong gusty winds around last night, hope there isn't too much in the way of blown about items blocking the sidewalks and crosswalks.

Gusty winds? Nope. You're high on huffing airplane glue and plastered on Thunderbird (crap) wine. You're mistaking your own devastating case of flatulence on the nonexistence windy conditions.

Going back to Massachusetts to see my mother on Friday and Saturday. Sunday, I'll be seeing my father as we go to Worcester to see The Avett Brothers in concert. I hope he's not bored to coma because he probably knows nothing about the band.

Taking them to a concert my ass! What you've omitted from your I'm-a-good-son story is that your parents are both blind and deaf, meaning that after driving them around town for an hour or so, and then ushering them into the local movie theater, they'll believe they're in any city you tell them (in braille), and hearing any band you tell them they're hearing. And then you hit them up for gas money, and told them that tickets cost $100.00 apiece. I'm getting out of this thread. Your presence is painful to me.
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A new neighbor just moved in across the road. I'm wondering whether or not I should go over and introduce myself, and maybe take some cookies.

That sounds about like you! Visit your new neighbor and then take their cookies and probably whatever else you can stuff in your pockets.


I am dreading having to contact the super about the slowed down kitchen sink drainage.

I'll bet you are, cuz you know full well what he's going to think of you when he unclogs it and finds out the hard way that you've been using that sink for a backup toilet and using paper towels for toilet paper. Jesus Sturgis . . .

And I'd give anything to see his face when he finds out why your toilet doesn't work. Again, jesus Sturgis . . .
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I cracked an egg in the frying pan this morning, and it was brown. It was the third egg in the pan and so I had to throw three eggs out. I don't want to seem like a cheap-wad, but I should go get my money back.

You have severe mental health issues. 1. Those are baby chicks, not eggs. 2. That's not brown yolk and egg white but red blood and pulped chicken organs. 3. You can't get your money back, giving bloody chick corpses back to the animal rescue sanctuary where you adopted them in the first place.

I'm hosting a book swap meetup at High Dive Bar in Brooklyn. Any remaining books will be donated to the charity, Housing Works, which is literally next door to the bar.

The only truth in that was that you will be in a dive bar and certainly not for books or any charity. Besides which, everybody knows you stole the books from the library and will insist on cash from those kind folks at Housing Works so as to get more cheap wine.

The past few days I've been feeling a little less ambitious.

A little less ambitious? If you went any slower, you'd be going backwards. I'm thinking that perhaps this would be a good time to address your addiction to downers, but only if you're ready. Hey, did you hear about the drugstore in your hometown that got robbed last week? Not saying there's any connection between your lack of ambition and that robbery, but I'm not saying there ain't, either.

I want to write a book, but I can't decide what to write about.

You can write about the robbery, but be sure to include a love story in it. How about a trans-Atlantic cruise with a who donnit

I wanna travel again.

Well, I suppose I could write about Sturgis falling in love with the downer-dazed woman on the floor behind the counter in the drugstore he robs after hours. They'd have a lot in common.

You want to travel again? Say, that wouldn't have anything to do with the robbery of the drugstore in your hometown, and you matching the description of the robber, would it? Make sure you travel to a country that doesn't have an extradition treaty with the United States.