Too clingy, honest and scared him off.... what to do?

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So I meet a guy and we've hung out oce. We had an awesome time and the feeling was definitely mutual. He started texting me good morning and goodnight and throughout the day. At some point it switched from him chasing me to me chasing him. I started texting a lot and displaying obvious signs of self esteem issues. Heck I would like to lay hard to get but I just don't know how. So for the last three weeks we have been texting daily though after about day 3 I always do the initiating. I have an obsessive personality and he has said on numerous occasions that that is cool with him. But I can't get a clear picture of whether or not he likes me or is interested in pursuing more. He may ignore several texts (which I know he's busy and that doesn't bother me) and I start to give up , but then he'll throw me a bone and reel me back in. Its been an emotional roller and driving me crazy to constantly be guessing his feelings.

I had specifically asked him on three occasions what his level of interest was and all three occasions he has tactfully evaded the question. Instead of running away from me, a girl who is obviously acting like a clingy nutbag due to this unclarity, his answer is always something like "relax" or "take it easy" or "you are attractive, fun, and intelligent so just relax." While this is very reassuring it also does not provide me with any clue as to what the heck is really going on. I also asked if he would specifically set a date for us to get together and he was like "absolutely" but didn't bother following through.

Im feel like I am losing my mind trying to figure this guy out. So today I texted him and asked him to call me. Followed by a text that said "cause I'm really kinda over this and just need to know if I need to put you out of my mind'" I honestly thought this was a healthy step. Tell him that I need to know whats up. Well, that backfired quickly. He responded with (paraphrased) "over what exactly, me being busy with work and my boys? Or over the fact that I don't mind you being a little crazy with your texts and over thinking things. I really enjoying taking it slow and not rushing into things, but apparently you want faster than that. Sorry." this was followed by me explaining that I felt like I needed to speak my needs and stand up for myself. I was over feeling like there was a one way attraction and that I was just asking to talk for clarity sakes because I have no clue whats going on and he explained that he felt I was giving him an ultimatum to jump into something or I'd be gone. He felt that I was attacking him. That he is interested or he wouldn't even be taking the time to respond to this etc. I apologize if it came off that way and explained that I realized that I had been needy and that frankly I simply need clear directions as to where this is going. I then said, how about this, how about I give you some space to figure out if you're interested or still interested and if you are I will let you make the next move. And if you're not interested let me know and I acknowledged the fact that I have not given him a chance to express interest because I have been so far up his a$$. I again apoligized. Three hours later I said "well, I feel like an a$$ hole" and apologized again.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I am aware that my behavior has been clingy and totally unattractive. I'm beating myself up on that already and don't need help.

I've tried not texting him and not thinking about him but I apparently have no self control. It's not that I dont know how to play hard to get or that I don't know that men like to do the chasing and I'm making it too easy for him. I know the rules: don't text first, act busy all the time, be confident, etc etc. But I don't know how to control my impulses in a way to do these things.

So my questions are:
1) how do I not text now. If there is even a remote chance that he'll talk to me again, he won't if I cant calm down. What can I do to stop this impulsive behavior
2) how do I stop obsessing over this?
3) If there is a chance he texts me in a few days, then what? How do I act, how do I react? Do I then play hard to get? HOW?
4) Is there any bounce back from stage five clinginess?
5) Any new advice (i.e. instead of telling what I should do, how to do it? What should I do instead?)

just please don't berate me. I know my actions are wrong I dont need anyone to blow smoke up my a$$ and say it was cool but I also don't need to be told everything I did wrong because I am already very aware. I just need to know how not to do this in the future and how to act if there is even een a snowballs chance he comes back.

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[+3] - jespah - 04/27/2015PS Never apologize more than once for any bad action. Of course I'm not talking about committing crimes or the like. But in a case like this? One time only. Period, then it's done. Continual...

You've got too much time on your hands.

When you're busy, you don't really notice that it's been 3 hours (or whatever) since someone has texted. You might notice after the 3 hours (or whatever) have elapsed, but you don't notice during.

Go out and have fun with other people. Male people. Female people. Whatever. Maybe date. Maybe not.

If he's interested, he'll return.

In the meantime, a few things:

Occupy your time and your mind. Whatever it is. But you've got free time and you're filling it with obsessions.
Less passive-aggressive vagueness would be nice. Instead of, "Call me when you want to figure out a day to go out", how about, "I'm free on Thursday night. Are you?" Yeah, you can ask him out. It's the 2010s 'n stuff.
Don't work it out in terms of "playing hard to get" or that sort of 1950s bullshit. You're not 'playing' hard to get when you really are busy. So be busy. Surely you have housecleaning or exercise to do, or an elderly neighbor needs leaf raking or there's a shelter where you can volunteer or a book you can read or a class you can take or a rug you can hook or a friend you can call. Whatever it is.
Take more of what people say on face value without attempting to read anything into it. He said he'd be busy. He was. Awesome. Why is that awesome? Because he told you the truth about his situation and he was kind enough to tell you in advance. You might want to remember that.
Seek out professional care if you feel that your obsessions are running your life. Things don't have to be this way.

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PS Never apologize more than once for any bad action.

Of course I'm not talking about committing crimes or the like. But in a case like this? One time only. Period, then it's done. Continual apologies are not endearing.

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"I also asked if he would specifically set a date for us to get together and he was like "absolutely" but didn't bother following through."

You have never MET him, in person? Then you DON'T have a relationship! This could be an old married man or a bored woman, for heaven's sake.

Why would you give your time and attention to a TEXT?

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@kls5n,

I am sorry that you have issues with self esteem and self control. I have the same issues and in the past have driven people away.
The first thing you need to realize is that it takes a looooong time to get to know who a person is so rushing into a relationship could leave you thumping yourself on the head in a year wondering how to get out now.
You know everyone here is going to tell you that until you are healthy you won't have a healthy relationship.
I have been married 18 years and I will never be completely healthy...no one will, we allll have issues. But that said you need to get to a place where you don't have to be "in" a relationship to be happy.
I know you feel like you screwed this one up...and you may have. You need to find things (and therapy) that you enjoy doing and spend more time doing them than pursuing relationships. If he says you are attractive, fun and intelligent that's wonderful. Step back, find you instead of a man. That **** comes so much easier than finding yourself and TRUST me I built my life around my husband, his demands, his controlling behavior and I regret not investing my time in other things now. He has become successful and I have gown way down hill. Don't even know what I'm going to do when the kids are moved out.

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@PUNKEY,

We have met in person 3 times

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@PUNKEY,

We have gone on one date and been at two social functions at the same time and chatted. I was asking him to set an official date for us to hang out together and get to know one another

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@kls5n,

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately I do have lots of stuff to keep me busy which is why this is so disturbing . I can't focus in my work for focussing on him. I am also going through therapy currently, actively working through issues including self esteem and underlying causes. Again it comes back to not what to do but how to do it.

I greatly appreciate that all but one response was positive and supportive. I think after talking to him tonight, I am kinda over it. I know that placing my self worth in the reactions of others puts me on a continual roller coaster and that I need to really feel in my innermost soul that my value is intrinsic and god given. I'm working hard to get there.

I'm hoping that I have had enough if this mental/emotional roller coaster with this guy that whatever happens next I'm ready to take it easy. I got to take care of me.

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@kls5n,

Hey I'm in this situation also
What happened with the guy ?
I know I'm a bit late

1 Reply

@MsKeisha,

Hey! So am I! How's it going your end?...

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@kls5n,

Absense makes a fond girl fonder. When you're clingy, pushy, and impatient that tells us guys several things and none of them are good. It's good you realize that, now how do you rebound from it?

1. Give it 30 days and do not text him, unless he texts you.

2. When he texts you, respond to him accordingly, but leave your last text as a open ended question. Ask him if he knows the hours for a store or restaurant you went to when you went out. If he asks why? Answer that you and a friend are thinking about going there.

3. Find more common interests with this guy, stuff that he likes to talk about as well as stuff that interests you.

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@kls5n,

So my questions are:
1) how do I not text now. If there is even a remote chance that he'll talk to me again, he won't if I cant calm down. What can I do to stop this impulsive behavior.
2) how do I stop obsessing over this?
3) If there is a chance he texts me in a few days, then what? How do I act, how do I react? Do I then play hard to get? HOW?
4) Is there any bounce back from stage five clinginess?
5) Any new advice (i.e. instead of telling what I should do, how to do it? What should I do instead?)

1 - Get busy! Find other people to occupy your day and you will forget about it. Tried and true btdt.
2 - Focus on something else. Like I said - get busy!
3 - Stop with the games. Take care of yourself. He will text you. Be yourself.
4 - I hate phrases like that even though Vince Vaughn was hilarious in Wedding Crashers. Yes, there IS bounce back. Take control of the situation it's never too late.
5 - Get busy with YOU. Read, watch your favorite movie, go to a movie, go out to eat by yourself or with a friend. Go see a friend. Help someone in need. Bottom line get him off your mind. Your life consists of more than him. If not --- make it so now!

Never apologize for who you are. Work on your self esteem and work on YOU. Cliche but it works. He will come back around and you will feel stronger and more confident.

1 Reply

@intoodeep,

In short - obsession is a habit of mind. To break a habit, you replace one habit with another. Not only do you keep busy (which helps no end), but you put in place a mental plan where 'every time I find myself thinking about ####, I will start thinking about %%%%'...while that's a habit for the quiet times (which lots of people forget to pay attention to)....it can include (but doesn't have to be limited to) things that take up all your concentration / are highly enjoyable or distracting for you etc.

At first you find stray thoughts all the time, but as you keep at it, those stray thoughts get less and less (as long as you keep replacing them with another subject that you enjoy)

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@kls5n,

Wow, I am I the SAME boat... pretty sure he's getting tired of me asking or texting or trying to get him to ask me to hang out. I tried telling him my feelings like you did and his response was lets just take it with the flow, go slow and see what' happens. Clearly his idea of slow is way different from mine. I don't know if I can repair it asst this point, but I can't seem to stop checking my phone to see if he's active in fb, or waiting for a txt, or thinking about him (which is constantly). It's killing me, all I want is a little reassurance once in a while, this telling me nothing is literally slowly driving me insane. I hope I haven't messed it up for good.

1 Reply

@Krb3363,

You need a hobby.

I ain't kiddin', and I'm sorry if that seems flip. But you are putting all of your emotional eggs into this one not necessarily reliable basket, and you are tying your self-worth and happiness up with hearing from him.

Spoiler Alert: even if you do get together, it will likely not be the contact-fest/reassurance-fest you want it to be.

You need to cultivate outside interests and have a life that doesn't just scream, "LOVE ME RIGHT NOW AND FOREVER AND EVER BECAUSE I'M SCARED OF BEING ALONE!" Even if that is not the way you feel, it sure as hell is how you look to a remote observer.

Find things to do. Adopt a cat. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Take a class. Go to the gym. Start a regular monthly girls' night out with your friends. Take up cosplay - whatever floats your boat.

In short, fill your life with things other than checking your phone and putting your life on hold while you wait for something that might not ever happen.

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Too clingy, honest and scared him off.... what to do?

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