I need love advice/reassurance/opinions. Please help

Reply Sat 25 Apr, 2015 04:55 pm
This is LONG, but please read through to the end so you get the whole picture. Thank you.

About a year ago, I dated a boy for about three months, and in that time he became much more important to me than I anticipated, but he was very wishy-washy, because every time he would show me much affection, he would back off for a while and I didn't understand why. For that reason, I felt he wasn't committed, so I chose not to be either. However, that didn't change how I felt about him, and the strength of my feelings terrified me because of his lack of commitment, so before he had the chance to completely destroy my heart, I broke things off.

I was devastated, and so was he, but I didn't know that at the time. At the time, all I knew was that he lashed out at me verbally and emotionally and I was brokenhearted, so I turned to a mutual friend, and he became my shoulder after the break up. He was nothing more than a good friend in the beginning, and even though I knew he had eyes for me, I still only had eyes for my ex, and I insisted that he stop every time that he flirted with me. I was having none of it.

A few months later, my ex got back in contact with me and it looked like we might possibly get back together, but after about two dates, he told me that events had led to him starting a relationship with a girl he dated for about a month, two years before. A girl that, he had told me that he liked very much, but didn't see himself with long-term.

I was distraught, got drunk and stupid, and immediately started a relationship with the mutual friend who had been my shoulder for the last several months. Here's the part that gets tricky: I loved my ex too much to have that kind of space in my heart for anyone else, but I did love this other guy. Very much. At times, too much.

I let him drag me through all sorts of nonsense including lying, cheating, domestic violence, and all manners of hell. He was completely wrong for me in so many ways, but he was also fun and sweet at times, and I genuinely enjoyed spending all of my time with him. Even after everything he put me through, I never once lied to him or used him or deceived him. I told him from the very beginning that I still loved my ex, but I made him a promise, that I kept:

I'm no cheater.


Even though he cheated on me repeatedly with the same girl, I was fool enough to love and need him for the time that I did, but I never once chose to stoop to that level.

Throughout the relationship, my ex and I remained friends, and often met for lunch or coffee. Things seemed so simple and easy. Then, for about the fourth time, I discovered that the guy I was in a relationship with had deleted text messages from the other girl and was lying to me, so I broke up with him.

We were broken up for about two weeks when New Year's Eve came around, and my ex came over to drink with me and my female best friend. We were drinking and having fun, but then suddenly, he was all over me, kissing me and trying to make things go further. He told me he had broken up with his girlfriend, but we were both drunk, and I chose to believe that it was the liquor talking, so I kept things from going any further.

However, that's not to say he didn't try like hell. He was all over me that entire night, the next morning, and all day right up into the afternoon, when he was plenty sober. I still let nothing happen, and he went on his way. It turned out that although he and his girlfriend had gotten into a fight the night before, they weren't completely broken up, which I knew to expect, so I was glad that nothing had happened, and although he told her he had drunkenly kissed someone else, he didn't tell her that it continued when he was sober.

He told her it was in a bar, not my bedroom; that it was a random girl, not me; and that he stopped himself because he didn't want to betray her, when the reality is that he would've happily betrayed her many times, had it not been for me refusing to go there.

About two weeks later, I ended up getting back together with the guy I had just broken up with. (Yes, it was stupid, but it's done so there's nothing to do about it now.) I now know in my heart that it was that relationship that got me through my break up, and it was necessary.

That being said, it was toxic. There were three domestic violence incidents total, and the final one was downright disgusting enough that I had no other choice but to call the police just to get out safely. He went to jail, and obviously, I put an abrupt end to that relationship.

As I always did in a crisis or my time of need, I called my ex, because I genuinely needed him. I understood that he was in a relationship now, but I truly was only reaching out to him as a friend in genuine need. I called him the second I could get away from the violence, before I called the police, because I knew I could depend on him to arrive far sooner than they would.

Unfortunately, his girlfriend answered, screamed at me, and even though I told her it was a matter of life or death, she hung up. This is a girl that I have tried to be friendly with on multiple occasions. I've never done her wrong or been rude to her in any way, but she despises me because once or twice, my ex had been overly friendly towards me while they were together, and out of respect for her as a woman, I contacted her and let her know, in the kindest most respectful way I could possibly think of.

It turns out she did not appreciate that, and now hates me to the core of her being.

Anyway, I was very upset, and it made me do a lot of thinking. So when my ex called me two days later to tell me that he had had no idea that I called until his girlfriend admitted what she had done, I asked him to meet me, and he did. I was very drunk and upset, and when he showed up and held me while I cried and explained what had happened, I told him the truth that I had just realized the day before.

I still loved him with everything I had in me, and although I did love the guy from the relationship I had just gotten out of, it only started because I was so devastated at losing him. It was so easy, day to day, because that guy fit my lifestyle. He was always there, every minute of every day, and as much as I hate to say it, was the perfect distraction so that I didn't have to go through what I'm sure would've been the most painful time of my life in losing my ex before him.

Because of that and other reasons, my love for him never posed a threat to the way that I felt for my ex, even though I did not recognize that for some time. In fact, I thought it was the opposite. I thought because it was easy for me to be with the newer guy, I loved him more. But that was never right, even when I had myself convinced.

I was always in love with my ex. Beginning to end.

I just also happened to be in denial.

I told him that what I had come to realize just the night before was that the reason I could never fully commit to him wasn't entirely because of his lack of commitment to me, it was because of my own fear of being in love. I was terrified to give him all of myself and lose it, because that would mean losing everything that meant anything to me.

Basically, he was my whole world, and it was easier to walk away than risk total destruction.

I told him the truth, that if he had tried to get back with me while I was still with the guy I had just broken up with, I wouldn't have left him. I loved him and enjoyed his company and it was just so easy living with him day to day, but that in no way meant that I cared for him more than or as much as my ex, ever. As much as I did love him, I always knew it was temporary.

And then my ex said something pretty shocking: that he felt exactly the same way about me, and the girl he was currently with. He was with her because she lived far, and that fit his lifestyle and was a perfect distraction when things ended between us. He did love her, absolutely, the same way I had come to love the guy I had just been with, but that in no way meant that she posed a threat to me in his heart.

Suddenly everything in the last year made perfect sense, and I realized that we had both been running from each other because we both realized that to lose the other would be the end of everything, so being in relationships with other people was the perfect solution, because it kept our hearts and minds off of each other, and if and when those relationships came to an end, it didn't really matter, even if it hurt.

I told him that I understood completely, because after being in the exact same situation with someone else, I truly did. I told him that I understood him wanting to stay with her, although I would have no part in physical cheating. That being said, I would not pretend that I didn't love him, or the he didn't love me, and I would expect to spend more time with him.

If I wanted to see him, I would ask, and he would come, because we now both know, whether we like it or not, we belong to each other. The only two things I asked of him were that he not get her pregnant, and that he not get engaged, because long term, he's mine. He agreed without hesitation.

So, he's still with his girlfriend, and we spend just about every other night together, watching movies or getting late night coffee or just talking, and although I don't approve, I know he's not telling her anything at all. She lives out of area and truly believes he is the love of her life, and has nothing to do with me, upon her request.

This does not sit well with me.

In the past I would've attempted to tell her myself, but over time she has shown me that that is a mistake. She has nothing but venom for me, even though it is out of respect for her as a woman that I refuse to be physical with the man that I love.

I understand that this situation is not entirely right or wrong; it's obviously a huge gray area, darker in some spots than others. But I can't stay away from him completely, and I can't expect him to act differently than I would have if the tables were turned. I would've told the person I was with the truth, but I also would've stayed with him.

All of this happened about a week and a half ago, and this is clearly the sort of thing that gets worse with time, because the longer he stays with her, the worse it is for both me and her, no matter how things work out. However, I do understand that he's not ready to risk being together permanently just yet, and frankly, I'm not either.

I adore him, and I cannot lose him, now or ever.

Breaking up down the road because we were too hasty or not ready to make a lifetime commitment would be devastating. We are both still very young, in our early twenties. We both have haunted pasts, deep personal scars and issues, and a lot to learn. Anyway, after all of that background story, here are my questions:

1. What can I do to be as respectful as possible to this girl when it's too difficult to stay away from my love completely?

2. Am I being cruel or unfair or utterly selfish by not staying away from him while he is with someone else, even though in the past, I tried and failed?

3. Does the fact that we are choosing to allow ourselves to live and grow as people before we join our lives forever, immature and thoughtless, or sensible but tricky?

4. I understand that the only real issue here is that he is still with someone and is not telling her the truth, but is there anything I myself can do to make this situation less grey and a little more white?

5. What would you do if you met your "soulmate" at the wrong time, and you had to continue living by their side, but on a different parallel track, until you were both ready for "forever"? Would you try to live as normal a life that you could in order to mature and learn and grow? Would you have other relationships? What would you do if they did?

Someone, please respond, even if it's just to call me names and tell me what an awful person I am, I just need an outside perspective, to help me get my head on straight. Be truthful and don't hold back. I need your honesty. Thank you.
Reply Sat 25 Apr, 2015 10:23 pm
4. I understand that the only real issue here is that he is still with someone and is not telling her the truth, but is there anything I myself can do to make this situation less grey and a little more white?
Take a look at what your principles are (your own principles, not what others think should be your principles), and stick to them.

If you are true to your principles, they guide you your entire life. However, if you disregard them, you end up confused/inconsistent (the more you disregard them, the more confused/inconsistent you become).

I've never seen this concept fail.

5. What would you do if you met your "soulmate" at the wrong time, and you had to continue living by their side, but on a different parallel track, until you were both ready for "forever"? Would you try to live as normal a life that you could in order to mature and learn and grow? Would you have other relationships? What would you do if they did?
What action displays:
- respect for who you are
- respect for your self worth
- etc

1. What can I do to be as respectful as possible to this girl when it's too difficult to stay away from my love completely?
If you were this girl, and she you...what action could she do (in the scenario you gave) that you would find respectful?
Reply Sun 26 Apr, 2015 06:00 am
"he's still with his girlfriend"

That's it. That's the bottom line.

You and your BF lack trust and real commitment, so all this is a game - especially with him.

You have used him, he has used you. I've never seen of a situation where people use other people as much.
Reply Mon 27 Apr, 2015 04:21 pm
I understand where you're coming from, and I truly appreciate your reply, but as I said, had the tables been turned, I would have stayed with the other guy until that relationship played itself out naturally. Not because I don't love and want to be with my ex, but because I know that ending things to be with him would've destroyed the other guy, who I truly deeply cared for. I never wanted to make him feel like he was a replacement, nothing more than a warm body filling a slot in my life until it's rightful owner came back to claim it, and I know that ending things to go back to my ex would have made him feel all those things and more. That would have been too cruel and I owed it to him to allow our relationship to run it's course on it's own, as I knew it would. And it did, so now he is spared all of that insecurity an false self doubt. He knows our relationship ended because of us not being compatible, not because someone else stole me away or was better than him. And my ex feels the same way about the girl he is currently with. The confusion here is not about commitment or trust, we both recognize that, long term, we belong to each other. The problem here is my sense of right and wrong when it comes to my part in all of it.
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Reply Mon 27 Apr, 2015 04:25 pm
Thank you for your reply, it is truly appreciated, and the answer to your final question, what would I want her to do if the tables were turned, is simple. I would want her to inform me. As far as I am concerned, each of us who are not married and have not made a lifetime commitment are free to love who we choose, but that does not mean we are also free to deceive and wound and damage other people in the process. However, as I said, that route is not an option here because she has made it clear to me in the past that she most certainly does not want me telling her what is going on, so I feel as though I am being far less honest than I would like to be.
Reply Tue 28 Apr, 2015 12:47 pm

In relation to the final question - I don't think that informing her would be appropriate either. That said, you asked the question What can I do to be as respectful as possible to this girl when it's too difficult to stay away from my love completely?... asking you to reverse the situation, and see if you could find an appropriate answer was a way for you to find the answer for yourself that from her point of view - it is very likely that anything you do towards her boyfriend is disrespectful to her (other than telling her, or leaving her boyfriend alone).
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Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2015 08:54 am
Two small books I found online; You Deserve True Love and When the Frog You Kissed Isn't a Prince by Beverly 'Someone'...its got all the info you need for finding love and dealing with love when you eventually find it...hope it helps.
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Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2015 09:27 am
cutsiekitties wrote:

Thank you for your reply, it is truly appreciated, and the answer to your final question, what would I want her to do if the tables were turned, is simple. I would want her to inform me.

it is not your place to tell her anything.

Her boyfriend has to tell her the relationship is over.

You have no place in the middle of their relationship.

They have a primary relationship. You are not part of it.

Until he is finished with the relationship, you need to move on with your own life.

Try to be smarter about finding a new boyfriend since you don't seem to have done too well with it in the past.

Be honest with yourself and the young men you become involved with. All this gameplaying is no good for anyone.
Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2015 02:28 pm
Painful but Honest; just the way I like it!
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Reply Thu 30 Apr, 2015 03:22 pm
No woman should ever put up with domestic violence and worse, claim that it's "ok" for him to do that to her, he's fun, nice.

To then go back to that, because you can't get your ex. To them be subjected to more domestic violence to the extent that he goes to jail. To then go back and call the ex, for comfort. Who by the way is a lier and a cheater perhaps the only thing missing from him is the domestic violence, needs to find herself.

Both of these guys are in my opinion not worth a real woman's time.

I think you need to find yourself, love yourself and take time out for you, not text any ex, see any ex and remember as others have stated, he still has a girlfriend. There is a code of ethics there or you are doing exactly what these two guys have done to you and others.

Go and spend a good 10 months away from any man full stop and find your dreams and passions in life, who you are and learn what you will accept and will not accept from any future relationship, which includes violence!
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