Feeling terrible - bad timing

A raging fire burns quickly. A slow ember lasts forever. Until we know more here, that's the best I can do. Also, you did not have sex. What if you do, and it turns out to be 'not all that?' Keep posting.

I feel bad for everyone involved here and I'm just lost for words at the moment. I'll be back if I can think of something to say.

Go home, have sex with your husband, and just imagine he's the other guy. Geesh, everyone does it.

Your marriage should be your priority.

Crazyinlove-



You didn't want it to happen, but you made phone calls and e mails and assignations.....

Kids fooling around with matches start forest fires--they don't mean to destroy the inhabited mountainside--it just "happens".

No.

You have created a messy situation. No matter what happens, someone will be hurt. You will have to take responsibility for your actions.

Would you feel this way if your "husband" was aware of your attraction to someone else from the beginning? I'm guessing, no.

I'm guessing, if you were really going to lose your "best friend/husband" because his reaction and subsequent actions toward separation or divorce upon discovery would shed a whole different light on this for you. You're having it both ways, secretly.

In the light of day, you are longing for a man (you're secret love) who, has a baby with someone else, who is married to someone else, who will be financially responsible for someone else. You don't live with him day to day.

In the light of day, out in the open, you will find out if "it's love" or "infatuation". I'm not suggesting you "come out". I'm suggesting you think of your future in those terms. Additionally, if this "friendship" is discovered by your "husband", are prepared to lose him over it? Your "husband" may not want to forgive you, when you decide it was something other than "love." When he has time to think, he may decide he wants a woman who thinks he is the world. And, personally, I think he would be right.

But in secret and part-time, it's so easy to slide into a flirtation, infatuation, sex and desire. Good Luck.

Hi Noddy24! I was just thinking about you!

Hey - Crazyinlove - Noddy24 is a very, very wise soul, indeed!

Obviously I am the bad one in this whole thing. It is amazing the support that I get from my friends and family. I was crazy to even ask a world of strangers who have no idea who I am or what I am like what their opinions are. Thank you for those who responded. I understand that your responses come from the little information I gave. Good luck for whatever reason you happen to be in this forum...

By the way - for the one who suggested that I pretend that it is the other guy when I am having sex with my husband - mm, not so good. I can't live my life like that and sex isn't everything to me. Good luck to all.

Crazyinlove -

No one is saying you are a "bad" person. But, there are some universal truths. Like Noddy said, you have to take responsibility for your actions. Life is not all about desire, sometimes you have to use your head and think beyond yourself. If your secret boyfriend is "the one" then good luck to you all the same. But you did help create the situation in your post. So - we are trying to help you see the ramifications beyond your current "infatuation". Good Luck.

Crazyinlove:

We're all glad you joined a2k i'm sure, but when posting on a2k you have to be open to all responses, whether good or bad. We are not trying to make you seem bad or good, just simply putting out options and trying to open every different senareo to help you understand the whole picture. You asked what we all thought of this, and everyone has an opinion. So just know that we don't want to critize you, only help you. Don't leave a2k yet, stop and take a look around. We've all posted things on here that maybe we wish we hadn't all because we didn't want to except or whatever the situation. you'll pull through, good luck.

The most honest and reliable advice usually does not come from one's family and friends.

People rarely have a friend who is bold enough to tell them what's the truth, no matter how much it hurts.

Friends and family don't want you to feel hurt by their comments, so they often will not state what they really think (to your face).

Sorry, but that's the way it is.

crazyinlove --

Someone on here once said...and it's the truest thing I've ever heard...that falling in love is "an approximate two-year chemical madness." That is so true. The human brain cannot sustain that level of passion forever. We would explode.

We're not saying you're bad at all. This happens to all of us. Even the happily married ones. It may happen to you more than once.

True wisdom lies in knowing that the feelings will surely pass.

Since you're probably gone, crazyinlove, I'm probably just writing this for my own fun and edification. Ah, well, I'll write it anyway.

It strikes me that you bailed the minute you read something that was at all negative. Well, welcome to the real world. Not everyone is going to be perfectly supportive, particularly when there are 2 marriages and 1 child at stake. So forgive us if we're blunt and not all rah-rah about this infatuation. 'Cause that's what it is, at this point.

You can call it love all you like, but you need to see this guy in a day to day setting to really know for sure, and to really know if he's desirably mate material. Both times you've seen him, it's been in the context of hotel rooms and room service. Does he take out the trash? Help with dinner? Feed and change the baby when it cries in the middle of the night? Gamble away his paycheck? You have no idea.

All you know is how he behaves when conditions are easy. And that's all he knows about you. Surely you didn't look the same as you do when you have been cooking all day on a hot day, or cleaning the bathroom, or have had a really tough day at work and had a lousy commute home and are ready to snap at everyone.

So, what I'm saying is that you've both been on your best behavior, and everything looks peachy. Well, that's nice, but it's hardly a realistic way to assess how you are together. While you don't live near one another and so too much socializing is out of the question, the bottom line is, if you want to be with him, you need to see him in more normal contexts.

Now, about your husband, his wife and his child. I'm going to be blunt now, and again you will probably not like this but I'm going ahead anyway as I've got doubts that you're ever going to read this -

1) You are in this situation because you are bored with your marriage. Rather than work on what you have, you are going off blithely to play with someone who, like I said above, you have never heard belch, or seen depressed, or argued with over money. Of course your husband looks like the lesser man in this lopsided equation! Imagine your husband if the only way you interacted with him was with room service and turndown service and no bills, no cleanup, no hassles. He'd look a lot more attractive than he does to you, a guy who you've seen unshaven and first thing in the morning.
2) The fellow you're calling and emailing is not only bored with his marriage, he may also be feeling trapped (new parents can sometimes feel this way). So when you made the suggestion, he jumped at the chance. He was ripe for an affair. But if you had not said anything, he may have stayed put. Or, if someone else had said something, he might be with that other woman now, and not you. I got news for him - if he wants to have any kind of a meaningful relationship with his child, he will have to deal with the child's mother. Married or not, they are linked, and in the situation he's in, Loverboy will most assuredly not get custody and will very likely have to pay support, for the child and possibly also for the child's mother as well. So Loverboy can kiss his financial independence good-bye, if he's any sort of a responsible individual. And, if he isn't responsible, he can kiss his freedom good-bye or at least his child - men who don't pay child support can go to jail. Can you live with him if either of those things happens?
3) Loverboy's wife may or may not be innocent in this mess but she certainly has her hands full. Have you ever thought of what it would be like if you were her? Put yourself in her shoes for a moment - new baby, juggling all sorts of stuff to do, distant husband and now, what's this? Divorce papers. Oh, great. You can see where she would be devastated. And possibly rather vengeful. But can you blame her? Isn't it in her best interests to protect her baby?
4) What if you and Loverboy get married? Do you think it will all be happily ever after? What if you have a child together and - oopsie - he becomes distant, and starts going on a buncha business trips. Don't say it can't possibly happen. You've got a precedent here. This is a guy who will walk out on one wife and child. Think he won't perhaps do the same thing to another?
5) Put yourself in your husband's place for a moment. You say you love him and he is your best friend. Well, do you treat your other friends this way? Don't you think this is at least a little, well, unfriendly? How do you think your husband will feel? How will he feel if he finds out from you? And what about if he finds out from someone else, say a person at the event or a hotel worker or Loverboy's wife? Don't you think that would be even worse? I am not saying that you must remain married to your husband, but I am a firm believer that the dissolution of a marriage and the beginning of a new relationship should be as separate as possible. If you are interested in a divorce, ask yourself if you would be so interested if Loverboy wasn't in your life. Would you be so eager to ditch your husband?

Anyway, like I said, this post was very likely for my own fun and edification. Hey, I don't mind.

Since I'm still lost for words, I'll just second what Jespah said.

Sorry, but sometimes the truth just hurts!

Hi Crazy in Love


Hi Crazyinlove:

You lived with your man for five years and then the two of you chose to get married. Think back to the beginning when you first met your man. What attracted you to him? What was special about him?

Take a long look at your man. Say to yourself over and over again, "He's MY MAN, He's MY MAN." And then, let you mind linger over all the things that you find sexy about him. If you really think about it, you'll realize that YOUR HUSBAND is not a comfortable old shoe. He's a living, breathing, vital man filled with wants, desires, and passions. If he was available, I bet there are plenty of other women who would want him, rip his clothes off, and light his fire.

The problem is simply that you've grown comfortable with him. In your own words, you're not "touchy-feely" with each other; you're not "ga-ga" about each other. But, passion for your husband isn't something that can be taken for granted or something the merely takes care of itself. It is something that needs to be nurtured and sparked.

You've been in a comfortable relationship which has allowed you to direct your physical and mental energy into your work and building a business. This new attraction that you're feeling for this new guy in your life is a sexual awakening. (Believe it or not--but I'm an older woman and I know about these things.) You're feeling PASSION and it's consuming your thoughts. Even though you say you're not really into sex--developing your sexuality is a vital part of your life that you have clearly and obviously neglected.

I think most of the "over-forty" women here can tell you (if they're not too embarrassed to talk about it)--that as women grow older--we become more and more aware of our sexuality and our need for fulfillment. We become more comfortable in our own skin, in our own bodies, and we don't reach our sexual peak until the forties. Maybe because we're still carrying the genes of our "Victorian" ancestors, it's very difficult for women to admit that we want sexual fulfillment as much as men do--but this is a fact of human nature that is part of us whether we're willing to talk about it or not.

I can definitely tell you that what you're feeling for this new guy who has just entered your life is perfectly natural. You are becoming aware of unmet needs for passion, but you're misdirecting that awareness.

Your husband is YOUR MAN. He can meet all your needs (and believe me, he will do so eagerly) if you open up to him, share with him this new awakening for passion, and allow him to be YOUR MAN in every way.

It's up to you. If you reject your husband in favor of someone new, then that's your choice. But, you're not doing it because your husband cannot fulfill your needs for passion, romance and true deep love. He can fulfill your needs if you give him the opportunity.

Wishing you the best as you sort through your feelings.

Debra

.
I'm a firm believer in leaving one relationship before getting into another. Sneaking around only compounds the problem.

If you're not willing to leave your marriage, it's not fair to have "someone else" on the sly.

How would you feel if you found out that your husband had someone else as well?

If you can answer that question with an "I wouldn't care if he did," it's time to end your marriage and then move on (not right away, but somewhere down the line if you choose to) with someone who isn't attached because I personally prefer a life that's as free of chaos as possible.

Take some time to decide what it is you really want, why you're considering doing this, and whether your marriage is important enough to you to concentrate your energy on instead of diverting it elsewhere.

Sounds like a "cake" situation, both parties (you and your coworker) want to have your cake and eat it too.

Sounds like a good plan in theory, but believe me, not worth it. If it's already been established that your coworker is a "cheater," (or at least he definitely has the potential to be one.) Is he worth uprooting your life over?

Uh, nope.

Get your wants and needs and reasons in order, and if you need to end your marriage, that's your call. Only you can know that.

If not, save your energy for keeping your marriage in working order, it's hard work, and there's no room for other people in an adult relationship that means something to you.

If your marriage is over, end it in the conventional manner, take some time to be "single" and just find yourself. We don't need to jump from one relationship to another without some time in between for retrospection on why the previous one didn't work out and what we need and expect in a new one.

Then, if you want to (not absolutely necessary,) move on to another relationship preferably with a non-player.

Way too much drama.

By the way, Jespah - I agree with everything you said. This is a person who is easily bored and only wants to hear what she wants to hear. I'm sure she's gone too. Oh well . . . .

I agree with Sue on that one. I have no problem with people that leave marriage that sucks.
But, leave it.
Then consider other guys.

Crazyinlove, if you read this, I just threw that fantasy thing out there as an option. The second sentence I wrote was the one you needed to pay attention to.

crazyinlove appears to have left this forum because patronizing agreement seems more in line with the fantasy, than the reality. I also must say, crazyinlove that your defensiveness after asking people for their advice on A2K, tells me that this thread (and more than likely, your marriage) is all about your story and has little to do with anyone's else's feelings, opinions, or perspective.

If you're brave enough to browse back in here C.I.L., I'd say that the people posting here know what they're talking about. I've never heard such level-headed advice. Your friends are being "nice", because to get real with you requires a lot of bravery judging by your reaction posted above- very few friends would go that far, believe me. A very good friend will tell you the absolute truth, at best. A perfect stranger will do you those honours, at the very least.

You are in control of your life and contrary to your current belief system, the whims of lust and angst-ridden love, are not. The true measure of a mature woman is not in the star-gazing, doe-eyed quest for supreme love. In my opinion, it lies in a woman's capacity to love the one she's with, supremely.

If you don't have the ability to do that, then set your husband free and give him the opportunity to pursue what he deserves - a woman (in the true sense of the word) who not only loves him, but who places more value on integrity and commitment than on impulsivity and those adolescent yearnings called "the warm fuzzies".