6
   

I'm not attentive enough for you

 
 
Reply Tue 21 Apr, 2015 10:58 pm
Recently my boyfriend and I have hit another road block in our relationship. He says that i am getting more and more distant and that I'm not as loving as i once was with him, he's afraid that we're falling out of love but i don't see how that's possible. I spend most my time with him yet somehow that's not enough. Every time we we try to talk it out he gets really really emotional and depressed. He also mentioned that he wants us to start checking one another's phones. Advice please?
 
roger
 
  4  
Reply Tue 21 Apr, 2015 11:10 pm
@ntaylor0568,
He sounds a little over dependent, in my opinion. I think you will be suffocated long before he is comfortable with the attention he gets.

I'm not much into phone spying, even if it's mutually agreed upon.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Apr, 2015 06:44 am
"another roadblock"?

What are the other roadblocks?

Anyone who wants to snoop on your phone is either cheating himself OR he is very insecure/jealous.

If you tell him "No, that's not necessary. What's going on with you that you are so insecure with our relationship?"
ntaylor0568
 
  0  
Reply Wed 22 Apr, 2015 10:01 pm
@PUNKEY,
parents dislike/disagree with eachother, his disapproval of friends, fear of losing me, him feeling as if I don't give him enough attention, misunderstandings etc.
ntaylor0568
 
  0  
Reply Wed 22 Apr, 2015 10:01 pm
@PUNKEY,
controlling behavior especially
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 22 Apr, 2015 10:14 pm
@ntaylor0568,
he wants to have a say in who your friends are?
he wants more attention?
he wants to check your phone?

that quite a series of red flags right there without getting into the other things you've mentioned

I'd be getting far away from a partner like that.

Way too invested in trying to control you.

I'd move on from someone like that, but not everyone has my need to feel independent within a relationship.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Thu 23 Apr, 2015 02:22 am
@ntaylor0568,
You don't state how long you've been together but I'm guessing not that long, as you seem to be mentally making excuses for his behaviour.

Don't be the victim of the "poor him" syndrome, of his own problems because he's created them himself, sure perhaps his family haven't helped along the way but they are, his, problems.

You say he's depressed has he done anything about that? Do you really feel you should be dragged down into that? Unless he gets help for it, there isn't anything you can do.

More importantly you are your own person. Don't allow someone to change that.. You have nothing to hide and you do not need to feel like a child, being checked up on. That would be my answer to him.
0 Replies
 
ntaylor0568
 
  0  
Reply Sun 26 Apr, 2015 12:54 pm
my boyfriend and I have been together for a year, I don't understand why he's like this now...he used to be a very happy person but he has changed a lot and I'm trying to be understanding but he gets angry and upset over the smallest things
hawkeye10
 
  0  
Reply Sun 26 Apr, 2015 01:04 pm
@ntaylor0568,
Look, you can not fill an emotional hole in someone else, and you can kill yourself trying and it still will not work. It is not your job to make your partner happy, that is their job. If they are not up to it then you need to do some serious thinking on why you are in this relationship, on what you get out of it.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Sun 26 Apr, 2015 02:40 pm
@ntaylor0568,
Are his parents Divorced? Sounds as if he is using a situation from the past that has frightened him and he's seemingly seeing those signs in your relationship with him.
hawkeye10
 
  0  
Reply Sun 26 Apr, 2015 02:51 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
FOUND SOUL wrote:

Are his parents Divorced? Sounds as if he is using a situation from the past that has frightened him and he's seemingly seeing those signs in your relationship with him.
Or maybe is damaged by divorce and is not a good choice for a partner....

These people sometimes figure it out by their forties ...how old are these people?
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Sun 26 Apr, 2015 02:55 pm
@hawkeye10,
Given that she states that he was fine, it's been a year and BANG, all of a sudden he cries she not being attentive enough, let me check your phone, it does suggest that either his parents are Divorced, perhaps one cheated or one of his mates has just experienced this.

He sounds paranoid to me.
hawkeye10
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 26 Apr, 2015 03:01 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Quote:
He sounds paranoid to me.


that is the negative language, positive would be spooked. Lets wait to hear about his background. A lot of people have destroyed relationships because they are damaged from divorce, that is highly likely here, but my point stands that she cant fix him.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  3  
Reply Sun 26 Apr, 2015 03:03 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
In the beginning, these type of passive aggressive men are always different.
They're nice, accommodating and on model behavior. In time they change,
you'll see red flags popping up - jealousy, isolating due to non approval of friends, wanting to spend all the time with him, snooping, spying and the list goes on and on.

Like ehbeth said: run and run fast! There are way too many red flags up and this won't end in an amicable way.
0 Replies
 
ntaylor0568
 
  2  
Reply Sun 26 Apr, 2015 10:16 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
You are correct, his mom cheats on his dad and flirts with other men online
hawkeye10
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 26 Apr, 2015 11:48 pm
@ntaylor0568,
ntaylor0568 wrote:

You are correct, his mom cheats on his dad and flirts with other men online


You understand that feeling sorry for him is not likely to prove productive......
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Apr, 2015 02:44 am
@ntaylor0568,
You know everyone can be who they want to be.

But, that's a real messed us family for "him" your boyfriend.

Possibly she cheats because she married him but he is interested with men, that' can make someone feel in-adequate.

I suggest he therefore feels in-adequate.

He truly needs help then and you are not qualified to do this but nor should you have to, this is something he has to sort out for himself because he can give or commit to someone else .

Where you aware of this when you went out with him? You say he was "fine" at the beginning which suggests he told you later.

Do you have people / friends / family to talk to about your feelings thoughts and how he is now making you feel?
ntaylor0568
 
  0  
Reply Mon 27 Apr, 2015 08:28 am
@FOUND SOUL,
I talk with one of my closest friends about this issue but I don't want to break up with him like everyone says i should. Even after all the bs he's put me through i love him more than anything i agree with you that he needs professional help
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Apr, 2015 03:26 pm
@ntaylor0568,
Sounds to me as if you also had an awkward childhood, maybe didn't feel loved enough yes?

Love is a (big) word, it truly is. And in that, two people just get it and get on so well and there's no jealousy or concerns at all. Nor is there "what do I do?" .

You truly want someone to control you? Read your every word you put out there into the World?
ntaylor0568
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 May, 2015 10:01 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Not every relationship is perfect. I do love him and i am doing my best in trying to solve this problem, if i didn't want to continue with this relationship i wouldn't have come here. We have gotten farther than I ever imagined we could and i dont want to leave him because of this.
0 Replies
 
 

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