Abdandoning adult family members....

I can understand how you feel. People who are addicts that don't want help, can't be helped and they complicate other peoples lives with their addictions. I've tried to help people who were either hooked on drugs or alcohol, but I wasn't able too, since they didn't want to be helped. The only thing you can do is throw your hands up in the air and hope that they will eventually decide to help themselves.

Intervention/having the addict hit rock bottom are generally the ways to help someone kick an addiction. At least, that's from the perspective of a family member, as opposed to a medical professional. So, not only for your own sake, but even for his, you're doing the right thing. Don't enable his addiction.

I have no problems with ditching your druggy half brother. In a handbasket headed for hell, there is only room for one person.

Are your mother and stepfather so blind that they must also be exiled from your life?

Noddy, my stepdad abuses my mom, plus i know he's a coke addict, and an alcoholic.

My mom, only wanted me when SHE wanted something. She used to babysit my kids a lot, but she wanted a handout from me as well...

I let her move in with me after she left my stepdad yet again. But i made her pay rent, get a job, and be somewhat self sufficent.

she lasted about two months. I made it clear to her she was not going to back and forth to my kids the way she did to me and my older sister.

I told her once you leave that's it. I offered advice and tried to help with out being a handout.

She just wants people to wait on her hand and foot.

I haven't spoken to either in over a year, and my kids don't ask to see them as well...


They are exiled because of the way they treated me and my wife,,,and also i did not want my kids to hear and see the things that went on any longer in their home.

I had a lot of problems growing up early in life...dealing with emotions etc. I never really shared them with school friends or anything like that.

In a nutshell my parents split when i was 4...from what i've been told by my uncle..he was about 8 or 9 at the time of the divorce.

He said my dad had two jobs, plus kept the house and my sister and i tidy. My mom stayed home but ran around with her friends alot and i got neglected a lot.

My dad divorced my mom,,,hell he even patted my stepdad on the back wishing him well cause he said he's gonna need it.

Well my great aunt and uncle (caretaker of my mom when she was growing) up helped take care of us...there was single recently divorced woman next doot to them with two young girls.

my dad used to frequent there and fix things i was told, fixed her car a few times, the washer, dryer, a/c etc.

much is a blur but i remember now having another 2 sisters and a new stepmom...

she totally changed my world. for the better and for the worse.

there is a lot of things regarding custody and visitation that i've never known the truth about.

I know that my stepmom and my mom argued back and forth a lot. My stepmom just totally taking over one morning bursting into my mom's house to take us to church.

My mom ripped the phone off the wall and backed my stepmom up against the wall... i remember hearing her say you see this ????? Next time feel free to use it !!!!!

My sister bore the worst of it. Lots of battles with my stepmom all the way until she finally left to live with my mom at 15.

I on the other hand never talked about how i felt about it. I shoved alot of it so far away but a lot of the time i was not happy. my grades suffered a lot sometimes. I just didn't want to deal with school for most of the time i went from 3rd grade on till nearly being done with high school. it just became more about survival than anything.

I remember countless trips to pastors, then shrinks and tons of family counseling, and being told my older sister attemepted suicide and having her placed in mental facility for a while, now she's on a ton of meds and lives with my dad.

I remeber one sunday morning before my sister left she got into an argument with my stepmother about something petty...my stepmom was going to smack her and my sister was good six inches taller. I just remeber being at the table and her saying don't you dare do it because i will hit right back...and my dad having to referee.

My sister left...and i think being with my mom and my stepdad broke her down...we also lost our great aunt and uncle during this traumatic time and she was very close to them.

The following summer i was with my dad's mom, and dad told me he was coming to get me they had to take my sister to a hospital because she suffered a terrible nervous breakdown...caught her boyfriend with another girl and beat that girl so severely she was admitted into the hospital.

I was kept busy with a regiment of scouting and music so i guess i didn't too much time dwell on some of it...a lot of it i just didn't comprehend or know who to blame.

I remember asking my stepmom to adopt me about age 12 and my mom found out and asked me one day during an argument. i told her flat out yes i did ask.

my mom may have given birth to me but she is no way a mother to me...kind of like an absent father that you always hear about...

Let me post this but im not done.....

Then came the big move...my parents said it was because they were tired of commuting so far to work...but it put me way out of reach of my mom.

I still liked to see and visit even if i got sick half the time i went since there really was no structure in her home.

I remeber being told i'd have to repeat a year of school,,,even though i didn't fail technically. That was a waste in my book.

New school same old problems...and all the problems of my family life as well. I was always different because being the only boy. and my younger sisters were always loud and disrespecful but i was as well but just more quiet about it.

I always apparently had a different set of rules that applied to me.

I fought alot with my sisters growing up physically as well as emotionally sometimes being put in the middle between them and my stepmom and dad.

Still going...anyhow after countless rounds of therapy and group sessions etc.

The whole process made me less trusting to say the least. I even remember a possibitliy my stepmom and my splitting during high school.

my dad told me no matter what im staying with him.

I got tired of the double standard at home...my sister fared academically better than me,,,so they got to run off late at night etc...i never really thought of doing those things becuase i knew of the punishment.

i always got it worse then the girls...and i caused the least trouble other than my grades. I got rather tired of this and one day didn't go to work...then got upset and waited for my mom to leave...instead of taking my car...i took my bike and left home.

i didn't go as far as they though i would...my sister said they called the cops etc. thinkin i was gonna pedal 75 miles to my mom's house...i didn't i just went to my other job vented a bit then my dad came and got me...

dad and i talked and some changes were made that time around.

I think towards the end right before i left for the service was the final straw.

i felt that i should get some leinency becasue i was leaving for good soon. I got mad at my stepmom over being home late,,,so i decided i had enough this time. I tore down all my eagle scout and band awards off my walls put them in closet. cleaned my room empty...took my backpack and packed up some clothes and my walkman. it was late at night so i quietly closed my bedroom door in the basement and walked out. i walked about 5 miles and a friend gave me a lift to my best friends house...we had fought earlier but this was a little more serious. we reconciled and the spent next three or 4 days together.

i did talk to my dad on the phone and people knew about how my stepmom treated me. I went home late one night and got my car when everyone was asleep. told my dad i'd be back soon in a phone call the next day.

I got the silent treatment from my stepmother for a while. Big deal.

I left for boot camp a couple of weeks later.

I call home to find out my house was trashed by my sisters and the jocks they hung out with that used to want to beat the crap out of me cause i was bigger than them.

My folks didn't take my advice about my sisters...i later found out about drug use...and wrecking their cars etc. from being under the influence.

and they were underage. now if i ever got caught with that nonsense i would have been severely punished and i bet my dad would have knocked some sense in me.

I think finally meeting the woman who was going to be my wife really set the nails in it all...she talked to my stepmom on the phone several times and my stepmom telling her things because she's a foreigner she just wants me for a green card and babies...my wife is 6 years my senior.

we went on to get married...my wife and i had simple plans but my parents in the end rented out a B and B. my stepmom was awful to me the whole time and everyone saw it. some of my wife friends were in tears at the way she treated me.

my new father in law even pulled her aside and told her to leave us alone. he's awesome my father in law.

weve been together for nearly 8 years now...three kids, sold our house etc. its been tough let me tell ya being sandwiched between these two mentally strong women.

its caused a ton of friction because my wife doesn't put up with the crap from my stepmom nor my mom or anyone else. yet they all come to me to look for answers,,,and my wife won't really let me say how i feel because i can't with hurling a bunch of expletives at my stepmother.

in her world there is a price attached to everything, there is no unconditional love, and her criticism of things just gets old, she's even criticized my young kids who just don't know any better.

Sorry i had to break all that up...

Hope if justfies how my explanation noddy...

IAN--

I asked because I wanted to know and now that I know I'm impressed with your stamina and survival skills.

Your family--with the possible exception of your father--could pose for a Picture Book of Disfunctional Families and The Damage They Do.

You are better off without them.

Hold your dominion.

it just came out cause my dad is da man...but that's what my wife says she got to live a loving home with a nuclear family.

Her parents are great.

A therapist changed my life about 10 years ago
when she said, "Just because someone is related to you doesn't mean you have to like them, socialize with them or allow them to abuse you any more than you'd allow anyone else to."

You don't need these people. They don't want help, they don't see any reason to change, and they'll only continue to cause you grief.

You're better off without them, and are a very strong person.

*edited because I read the first sentence wrong...*

McG--

The written-off druggy kid is a half brother, not a son.

Ian, sometimes you just gotta do what's right for you. I am glad that you have support with your "new" family.

Thanks guys...My dad had phoned me the other night that caused me to put keystrokes to a screen
and put some of the things in my past out there.

The hardest part is that my stepmom tries really hard to pull the 4 kids together...and even her kids can barely stand her.

Im silent about my dissatisfaction, or i've written a letter or two basically laying down how i felt. my sisters are more vocal about it. I just pick and choose my words carefully becuase they know how i feel but i can never tell what's actually said when i am not around.

Kinda sad to say the least.

It is sad, but it sounds to me that you simply want some peace in your life and you get that from your new family.

You've been to hell and back with your family and there's only so much a person can take before they decide that they have to do what's best for themselves, which is what you're doing.

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing, so I hope you have a wonderful life with your new family :-D

Also, I bet it felt great to get all that off your chest ;-)

You went through all that and you are still sane... and happily married no less? Wow. Cut ties and enjoy your life. Your dues were paid in full a long, long time ago.

Occom yeah im pretty happily married,,,its not easy being sandwiched between two strong willed women like my lovely wife and my stepmom.

im trying to keep ties to my dad but the rest well im not gonna go outta my way for much.

i used to live 3 miles from BOTH sets of parents for 5 years upon my medical discharge from the Air Force.

I sold my house this past March and hit the road to WV far enough out that's its a day trip for most local folks here.

I kept my job,,,i love it got a awesome shift so that i work in the afternoon into early morning hours...

92 mile commute that takes about 2 hours one way but i spent the same time some days doing a much closer drive.

I have huge parks where we live now that i frequent with my kids on our mornings together every day, not like where we were with 100 kids crammed on a big piece of equipment.

real playground stuff like see saws,,,metal slides and merry go rounds that i spin for all the kids.


Country life seems a bit simpler.