I cheated on my husband. I am feeling what you described and ashamed to admit it. I don't have friends to talk to and I don't know what to do anymore.
We've been married 6 years, no kids. I had a 10-day affair, it is now nearly 9 months behind us but we stayed together, after he caught me lying about it. I haven't cheated since and broken off all contact with the guy.
Nevertheless, my husband is still very hurt by it. He brings it up (more rarely now than he used to), but when he does, I always feel like I want to run away. Not to the affair partner, just run. I am not empathic enough for his pain, I don't like answering his questions and close off whenever he brings it up. Even though my husband loves and compliments me the rest of the time, I've grown to hate myself more than he hates me (when he has hate episodes).
I don't have self respect and what's worse, I can't bring myself to make the efforts to save the relationship that he expects of me. I feel like just nothing matters anymore, but also feel too scared and guilty to leave due to a combination of excuses I make (he threatens he will tell my entire family, I don't want to hurt him even more, he wants me to stay, etc).
I feel like I deserve to be unhappy and leaving will just make it better for me and worse for him, which doesn't seem fair. I don't think we are that compatible and always see myself as single. I've wanted to leave him various times before this affair happened, but I could never go through with it. He sometimes says he will cheat on me to get revenge, but he never does, nor does he want to leave me. I guess I am too comfortable. I'm not sure if I really love him and he suspects it. The guilt!!!