What happens to your spouses feelings for you, after they've cheated on you...

It's sad, and wrong I know.... But the reality in these situations is that the spouse becomes no more to you, than your best friend. You do unfortunately, keep them around because of comfort and familiarity. Something to fall back on, just in case, if/when the affair ends.

Unfortunately my wife is upset because I have feelings for someone else. she could have taken things better had I just had a one night stand, but I however, I have been having a 3 year and counting affair, and have acquired feelings/emotions to the point where, no matter how/what I have to do,. My lover will forever be a part of my life. Even if I have to settle with us just being friends..

Then why not end it?

Your wife is miserable, too. Let her go so she can find some happiness in this short life.

when you don't want a person anymore, you are constantly trying to leave or asking them to leave (it's normally one or the other, or both). The problem is, they won't go! And then they cry and beg you to stay!! So you try to stay, because you're tired of hearing them cry, beg and tell you how horrible you are for hurting them ,. But underneath it all, you are irritated by their presence, because you don't want them,band because they are reason that you can't be with your lover like you want, and it angers you. (And you can't say that out loud to your wife without hurting her.) so you be quiet, but can't help being mean to them, because you're forced to be someone that you don't want, just to save their feelings... It's so depressing.

So really, there's no good or smooth way to do it... You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't...
I'm uncomfortable and pissed because my feelings for my wife are no longer there, and now I'm considered a jerk and douche bag because my feelings changed for her.

Why can't my feelings change? Why am I wrong, because my feelings changed? Was I suppose to control my feelings because I'm married? If so, how? (Feelings seem to have a mind of its own) Why am I considered a bad guy because I don't want my wife anymore?... Doesn't life and things change?

I don't want or desire my wife romantically anymore... I only want to be friends.
Truth is..

We would get along if she would just shut up and let me do what I want! She can even go find someone else too! Maybe that would keep her from paying so much attention to what I'm doing. My wife needs to mind her own damn business.. Lol! (That's what I want to say to her, but I don't know how to say any of this without feeling a little weird.)
I only keep her as my wife because, I want her to continue being my secretary/janitor and babysitter.. My lover and I call my wife "the nanny", lol! ...
I wouldn't dare try to put those headaches on my lover, my lovers job is to enjoy me.

You got a funny way of treating your friends, then.

What else am I suppose to do, if that's the only way I see her? ... My treatment toward her is complicated, I don't want to be mean, but it seems that way, because I'm no longer in love with her... I'm treating my wife wrong because my feelings for her changed? Well what about me and how I feel? Why do I have to remain miserable because, it hurts her feelings? Pretty much, that is what she is asking me to do.

Your poor wife. You and your lover call her"the nanny?" You literally use her so she can take care of your children, and home? How horrible.

Why else would I keep her around, and I'm cheating on her?

I get sex and friendship from someone else... So..Unfortunately, The only things left for my wife is taking care of the kids, and home.

Why don't you leave?

You don't seem to care about her, so why do you care if she cries?

Sex, money and kids keep marriages together. So why do YOU stay in this sham of a marriage?

I notice your name. Are you a pastor?

No not a pastor, but I go to church.

Again, .. I've tried leaving and I've tried asking her to leaving .
I do care, I'm just not sexually attracted,. That's why she's still around,. I want to keep everything else about her,. She's a great person, I won't take that from her.. She's been there through thick and thin,. And I know It's not fair... But truthfully, I can get my lover to do the same things,. It's just that my wife, has been around longer, and things are already set in place... And who wants to lose comfort and familiarity? I know what my wife will do for me, because she's proved it. Which would explain why myself and most men, would just rather keep things the way they are, and just get the sex and friendship part from somewhere else; all without hurting our wives feelings and being with our lovers at the same time. The lover becomes more of our sanctuary. if my wife tries to keep me from her, I silently lash out. Because I need my lover like a drug, and I'm a jerk to my wife, until Im able to see my lover again. My wife may gets flowers when I come home after , because I've gotten my fix and I'm then so happy, lol! Sad, But that's the truth.

I love the way I feel around my lover, like I'm alive again, explosive, powerful, fun. My wife doesn't make me feel that way,. I have to be careful what I say to her all the time, I can't tell her the same jokes and she laugh, I can't be myself because I'm always considering how she feels, for fear of nagging and complaining about something being done wrong,. or trying not to say the wrong thing to start an argument. With my lover, we argue; but it's a turn on for us... We try to stay away from each other but after a few days of that.. We find our way back to our forbidden passion. (Sorry, I slipped into a moment, lol!) and the greatest part, we don't judge each other or point fingers,. We a just at peace with one another. There, however we can have it. If I only get five minutes with her, that five minutes of a beautiful portion of my life without problems.

ive tried to have this conversation with my wife, but it hurts her feelings to have the conversation. She can't understand what happened, and why I don't find her attractive anymore. But the answers I give are never enough for her! It's like she wants me to erase and start over and the next time tell her I'm joking

We've tried lots of things to keep the spark, believe me ! ... Once I lost the attraction, there is nothing else she could do.

With all that, I still don't want my wife to leave, ... sad, messed up, and confusing... I know.

Maybe this will better explain...

If the law had never done away with polygomy, a lot of wives would have serious hurt feelings; lol! My lover wouldn't just be my lover, And my wife would hold no crowns of privilege to herself.

You are not in love, you are in lust.

Hey - isn't that one of the 7 sins?

Perhaps your pastor can guide you so that you can see the truth in your lifestyle.

(God help you if your wife ever gets up enough self esteem so that she refuses to be treated like this and gives you the boot. I have a feeling it's a money issue that keeps her with you.)

No !!! It's Not lust at all.
Lust, is what my wife and a lot of other people who get cheated on, wish it were.
You actually love your lover, you just can't love them like you want, because you're married.

Oh and I do see the truth,. I don't need a pastor to point it out.. . I see how it hurts her.. But at the same time, I still feel different about her,, so it's hard to console her,. I don't know how to help, with out giving her a false sense of hope.

Yes my money, job is great.. She doesn't work, so you may be on to something, lol!
Come to think of it!! I may need to really start pretending that I love her and to be attracted to her, because If I don't, i will lose half of everything !!!

Man, I tell you... Im stuck with her, rather I want her or not ! It's so hurtful and I will forever be Miserable for the rest of my life,. ! Because she's not just going to accept that Im not attracted to her, and walk away... Women are always trying to make someone pay for NOT WANTING THEM anymore! They try to ruin you ... When it should just be a matter of her accepting my change of feelings!!

you've indicated elsewhere that your lover is married - and also not planning to leave her husband.

she's choosing him over you.

you'll need to find someone else to fill out your imaginary polygamous relationship - or maybe your wife will select a second husband

there's no way of knowing which way it would actually work out

you can guess and dream but your lover has already picked her husband over you

Ma'am , That was a hypothetical statement. Lol! Wasn't meant for you to take so seriously.

And from the mind of a cheater, (I speak for my lover too) let me try to break it down to you...

I always choose my lover over my wife. How? Because, I choose to keep her around, even though I have a wife. I choose to relish in the moments, whenever With my lover, even if, it's only five minutes of her time. Our fantasy begins when we get together, and we try to take it off , when we hit the porch of our homes.. So Nope!, I leave my wife, all the time to be with my lover and vice versa... When my lover and I are together, my wife nor her husband hold any value to us.. And Our moments together are obviously, worth the risk. If it were not so, we wouldn't take it.. So what does say to you? ... Should say a lot.
What our spouses fail to realize is, .. we choose not to hurt our spouse feelings, is all it is. We choose not to confront the fact, we are cheating on good individuals, that haven't done a thing to us besides love us! We should want them, right!? But unfortunately, we don't.. somewhere we stopped,. And yes, We do choose our mates over each other, to a certain extent..If we had done that (like we're suppose to) we wouldn't have been going on for three years AFTER, our mates found out about us, hello?!... The secret is not our mates, it's the convenience, and familiarity of them,. The history, the children,. The discord and hurt behind our passion (that really can't blossom, because our mates hold ties to us).
We choose Not to leave the convenience of our spouses. It' would be too much detriment on both ends to make the choice to let our families go, and I wouldn't dare put that stress on my lover either,. So something's are just better left like it is..

my wife ask me all the time, why do I cheat? Why don't I find her attractive,. (Because no matter, what I say she still senses otherwise, I guess)...
So I tell her the truth,. But when I speak the truth, which is... A simple,. Because I wanted to, I like her, she makes me feel great, she's a cool person, I think she's beautiful, yes, I still love you, just not like I use to! She excites me, you don't anymore, No, I don't think she's a whore,. No, I don't want to get rid of her, no I can't tell you i don't have feelings for her, because unfortunately I do...yes, I love her!, Etc..

Those real and True answers are never enough and so damaging to my wife ! but that is the truth... My wife doesn't want to accept My answers,. Seems like she wants to be given, some sort of scientific explanation, when it's a simple. I just want to ~_~

And I want my wife to stay around, and wait for me to stop, if, I stop, lol! ... I can't say that out loud,. But quiet as its kept, that's every mans dream, lo!

Hello, there.
Listen, I am in a same boat as you are.
I have tried to convince people here that some spouses don't want a DIVORCE and they will rather to stay than leave.
I was given a lot of hell for it. I am surprised you are still not shitted over yet.
People here are cruel on cheaters.
However I am reading you and finding you cold and horrifyingly honest, you are saying every word I am thinking. It IS cruel but what to do, right?
Except our spouses are unaware. Yet, it had been a year, not 3 like in your case.

I am wondering how is her husband doing with knowing she is cheating on him.

I do not have anything to say except I thought after everyone whooped my butt here that I can't be the only one...and now year later you come here and saying all this and I am like WOW! Brother! I am shocked on how our stories are identical. I want to see what else you have to say. But you are brutal, man. Brutal.
Have you ever considered both to divorce and be together?
Is money really in a huge play here?

She will eventually leave you. It will happen. You can't justify your situation saying that you've been honest, and she just won't divorce you, then turn around and say you don't want her to leave. It's sick. You also make jokes about her with your gf, and hope that she sticks around. All I can say is, I guarantee you she will leave. She will get tired of being treated like this.