How to end an affair

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I have been having an affair for 9 months and have been trying to end it. The guilt I feel is terrible, and I feel such a bad person. My husband doesn't deserve it and neither do my lovely children. I know what I am doing is wrong, and I am so tired of the lies and ducking and diving , all the excuses I make and all the hurt I can cause. I feel as if I need to find myself again, and the guy who I am having this affair with , is such an emotional and lovely man, and I feel so bad about hurting him too. It's the worst feeling, I used to never understand why people had affairs and never in a million years did I think I would find myself in this situation. I know its my own fault and totally take ownership and pass no blame onto anyone else for my actions . I have tried to end the affair on a good few occasions , and have felt awful as my affair partner cries and begs me not to leave him . I feel so cruel to everyone and I am so angry with myself for getting myself into this situation. I never want to go through this again, and want to do my best to put my life right and get back into my life as it should be. I can't believe how much I have changed as a person, I feel as if I'm on the outside looking in at my life and I'm just so tired of the way I feel emotionally .

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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 2,068 • Replies: 21

@Sarah boo,

You know Sarah, there is no point doing the blame game what is done is done, what is important is that you know the direction to go in.

This thread suggests that you truly want to end it but the crying from the guy in question is stopping you.

Ask yourself what does "he" have to loose? Just what he is enjoying? Emotions, physical, communication, care, something he doesn't have maybe or just crying because he doesn't want it to end.

No where have you mentioned "love" either within yourself or him, rather, you feel you've made a mistake. Ok, lesson learnt.

Is he married? Did he give you a sob story about his non sexual relations?

Do you think you can work this with your husband as in your marriage?

You say it's the worst feeling that suggests that you are ready to end this and maybe found out more about yourself than you really knew, you can use that and grow as a person.

Have you changed in a good way?

If this is getting to you emotionally you should end it.

It would be good to know a bit more, I get the feeling that you think he will tell your husband is that what you are frightened of? If you end it?

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@Sarah boo,

Hi Sarah! This is good that you want to end your affair, but why are you so confused? you need to decide that what do you want? Think practically doesn't matter how he (the man you are in affair with) cries, it is about your future and more over that it is about your children's future also, as it may make negative impact in their life.

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I'm reminded of the old Paul Simon song, 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.

Seriously.

Ending a relationship is easy. You tell the other person it's over. You stop contact. You block further contact. You don't go to those old familiar places. You occupy your time, or even go away, to fill up the spaces in your life that were taken up by the affair. You reconnect with your spouse, if you can. You get counseling to understand why it happened.

And maybe you get a divorce, or maybe you stay in your marriage, but in the meantime, it's done.

I am not going to tell you that you won't feel things emotionally, or that your affair partner won't, etc. Of course you all will. But his emotional concern is not yours.

Period.

If he's threatening suicide or anything like that, call Suicide Prevention. But you are not responsible for his life choices. You do not need to block his access to pills or a shotgun or a rooftop with your naked body.

As for your own feelings, you're already upset and depressed. But if you extinguish this flame, you're on your way to healing. As it is now, it's just festering.

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@Sarah boo,

Jespah wrote:-

Quote:

But you are not responsible for his life choices. You do not need to block his access to pills or a shotgun or a rooftop with your naked body.

Read into that Sarah, it's very powerful.........and true .

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

how friggin dense you are???
She is obviously have feelings for this man and why is it always 'stories' about non sexual marriage? IT IS TRUE and exists in huge percentage of marriages.
Would she be looking for sex if she had it wonderful at home?
Unless she is a whore - she wouldn't. And she is not, she is woman in love whether she had mentioned it or not.

Sarah,
how old your kids are?
What made you to get into this mess? Can you just end it?
And if not why not? Let's talk. I do understand, I am no one
to judge, I am mess myself for years, so trust me I can relate
and listen.

2 Replies

@Eliusa,

A Woman who is missing something in her life and feels neglected and not heard, doesn't look for sex she looks deeper than that, her asks, desires, wants, emotions.

A woman who can't get sexual gratification from home, as in your case, acts like a "baby" not a man surely does only look for sex, including bj's according to you in a motor vehicle.

I am sure the OP is the first woman.

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

how friggin dense you are???

No way near as dense as you are. For a start FS would be able to put the above in the right order so it's a question, not a statement. Then just one question mark would be appropriate, (unless you're 13 and trying to make a point.)

You're one of the stupidest, if not the stupidest, barely literate people on A2K. Don't call anyone else stupid, next to you they're ******* Einstein.

1 Reply

@izzythepush,

I do not give rats ass about your opinion as you know it by now but you are stupid enough to try to express it to me
HOPING
that I will get hurt by your hateful stupid comments.
NO it is not happening and you can take your hate and shove it up your ass.
And stop giving your men opinions to a women who are not looking for
THERAPY!!!
Women who are looking for a chat to see what is going on in her life, not your
THERAPY suggestions.
And izzy, I think you can use some therapy, you are too involved in me, almost invested and I do not need that, I have interest in my life, one and only! So back off.

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@FOUND SOUL,

Sure, you know it all.
She needs to go to therapy to spend money for someone to listen to her story and tell her 'bad things happening to good people' for her cash and then wait for another week to come and talk about stuff she talked about already and WHAT? WHO will be able to help her? The THERAPY is the biggest bullshit was ever created. And you copy/paste your advises just like you are on paying position here. You need to cooperate with therapists around the country and give people addresses, You can make $$$ that way.

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

I was just pointing out that someone who is less literate than most seven year olds has no place calling anyone else dense.

The only thing I hope for is never having to read another one of your execrable posts ever again.

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Quote:

I have interest in my life, one and only!

Really? I thought you were married but carrying on an affair with some other guy? Doesn't really appear you have a one and only, now does it?

1 Reply

@Sarah boo,

As loving as you can. If you feel concerned about it, tell him he won't hear from you for a month/3 months.
Make sure it is really what you want. Wait for several weeks.

Go ask this same question in another philander's forum if you are still not sure.

ETA: Guilt can fade depending on why you got in to begin with. What if you said you wanted to take a break and spring back later. Be very clear of your intentions . Don't pull a fade and never come back. If there is a chance you won't come back, tell him. A fade is common and very cruel.

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@Eliusa,

Quote:

Sure, you know it all.
She needs to go to therapy

Eliusa, darling..............

I never mentioned Therapy, not even once... You truly latch on to these people or try to, try to tell them what you are doing and how wonderful it is to cheat, they only need a buddy like you and they'll be fine.

Much deeper than that and that you will ever comprehend and certainly is not the answer.

Edit:- Regardless of how Izzy put that back to you (thank you), your childish behaviour of calling any one dense when they are offering their opinions to an OP speaks volumes

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@CoastalRat,

yeah...he is the one and only

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@izzythepush,

You can ignore me. Surprised, genius?

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

I can. I choose not to. I've got enough on ignore as it is, and I don't find you particularly offensive.

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@Sarah boo,

Are there moderators here? Rules?
Does one need so many responses to other threads before they can post?

1 Reply

@Lovie,

Yes there are moderators here. Yes, there are rules. There are links to them at the bottom of every page. They are called the Terms of Service and Privacy Policy.

There is no posting requirement to be able to post in other threads.

If you have other questions about how to use the forum, this tutorial may be of help to you:

http://able2know.org/topic/152761-1

1 Reply

@Sarah boo,

I am not looking to pick a fight. Just pointing out that it is possible to have only one partner if your H doesn't want sex. It is also possible to open the M so you don't have to suffer for the rest of your life without sex, but still love your H.

You would be shocked at the variety of reasons ppl don't have sex in their M.

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