Happy families?

I was so determined not to become my mother I refused to cook & be a "carer" for years! When I was first married my husband did most of the cooking - He loved it! It was years later that I finally realized how silly I was being & embraced cooking with enthusiasm & a vengeance! I loved it, too!

Thanks you guys! I was a little hesitant and embarassed to admit that!
I am happy to report that although my mother told us often that it's a man's world, we girls saw her day in, day out, working her butt off to provide for us. When my father left, she did it all alone for a few years, so we had a very strong female role model in that aspect. I have never had to rely on a man to financially "take care of" me. Luckily, because I never hooked up with one that could. I tend more toward men like my jailbird father, and I have to take care of them, but that's another story! (My stepfather is a good guy though). My last boyfriend was a good guy, but he developed an aversion to working so he had to go!
What my mother meant, of course, was that all the privilige goes to men, while women have to fight.
Msolga, that's exactly where I am right now! If a fuse blows, I'm screwed! So far, my sisters and my girlfriends have helped me to "survive"

Yeah, I've made a concerted effort NOT to rescue anyone. Interestingly enough, my father is now doing that with women. he lives in another state and I haven't heard from him in years but last time he came around, he had a girlfriend (very successful lawyer) who later hung herself. Then he went and found another suicidal woman to try to save.
Can you tell I have alcoholism in my family?

No. Not really. It doesn't take alcohol to be an asshole. Or whatever.

Hmm... what does ****mean?

A2K people substituted. Just as well. I had no right to say that.

My belief - except for those who grew up in truly abusive families - is that our subjective assessment of our families being very unhappy or happy is based PARTLY on the tone of the searchlight with which we choose to illuminate the past.

Note - I say PARTLY - I think it is clear that families occupy a continuum between abysmal and very good - however, a choice to focus only on the unhappy parts will make those bits stand out, whereas a choice to allow examination only of the happy bits will feature them. A choice to seek for both will usually find both.

Memory, also, is an odd and selective thing (I have been looking at memory research lately).

I experienced pretty severe emotional trauma in my childhood - despite having as parents good people who did their best as they saw it. They experienced a lot of trauma, too, bless them. I certainly bear major scars - but (where once I would have focused more on the bad bits) I am also aware of lots of good things - and some VERY good things - that happened too. Like having my intellectual interests fostered and nurtured for instance, and being sent to a school which was serious about girls' education and intellectual aspirations, and the very loving relationship I had with my sister. And, hey - there was plenty of food, and books, and pets, and a neighbourhood to play in, and lots of kids to hang with. This is WAY better than all too many kids have - and I was almost never physically abused and never sexually abused.

My family was certainly extremely unhappy emotionally, and precious members of it had a habit of dying - but I count myself extremely lucky - and I remember good times, too.

Dlowan

Interesting, your research on memory. Tell us more. In another thread, if you prefer. ....
I'm intrigued by the selectiveness of what my (remaining) family members remember, as opposed to what I do. Our memories don't correlate!
So your family situation was a loving/caring one in which, never-the-less, traumatic things happened?

Hmmmmm - no, not loving and caring - but as loving and caring as they were able to be - well, caring.

That's it, isn't it, dlowan? That parents did the best that they were able to?

Most genrally, I believe so, yes.

Been lookin' for the memory stuff for you, Msolga - it's all in big books and long journal articles!

I think it would make an engrossing thread, Deb. What'cha think? Interested in starting it?

well - no - to be honest - I'd have to spend ages transcribing.........

\l/
) -< : =
/l\

less'n someone else can easily precis stuff....I'd hafta spend ages gathering what I read....

Oh Deb, I really didn't mean anything as detailed as that!

I grew up in what I thought to be a happy family. But those are only my memories, and not all of my memories.

My father left before my first Christmas, so I was raised an only child by my mother and grandmother. Mom supported the three of us on a telephone operator's salary so we weren't that well off materially. Didn't go away on vacations, didn't have a car. But I was abundantly loved by the women who raised me and loved them in return.

The greatest day of the year for me was my birthday. It came in the summer and Mom would take me to Revere Beach and let me play all the arcade games I wanted. We'd buy "frozen custard" and eat it on a bench in one of the pavilions looking out on the beach. Just Mom and me. Christmas couldn't come close.

I don't think I realized how hard it must have been for Mom. She was - and is - a quiet, unassuming woman and was dominated by her mother. She considered herself separated, not divorced, and kept her married name, never dating another man.

Nana died at home when I was thirteen. I was in the room with her when it happened. I don't know how I knew when she passed from sleep to death, but I did. Mom went to pieces and sobbed uncontrollably while I held her. I kept my feelings inside because I felt I needed to be strong for her. I think of that as the moment when I started to grow up.

Happy times, sad times. But as I remember it, mostly happy.

George

It's interesting: Another person might have told that as a sad, tragic story. You obviously appreciated your mother's & grandmother's efforts, even as a young child. I'll bet that's made you a very wise adult!

msolga~
Thank you, but "wise" is a bit of an overstatement. It has made me very conscious of my responsibilties as husband and father, though.