Happy families?

My brothers, as teenagers, fought badly and it distressed my mother terribly. After a brawl, I would run around and straighten up the house, right the pictures on the walls, put the pillows and cushions back on furniture, before my mother would get home and see that they had torn up the house fighting again.

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eoe, that is perfectly normal and just the way childhood works (the fighting aspect).

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I have six brothers and three sisters so it was always chaos at my house! Sometimes we were happy and sometimes we weren't. As one of ten, and apparently somewhat needy, I never felt that I got enough attention, and I probably didn't. My mother and step-father both worked their asses off all their lives to become and stay middle class. We had a great house, huge yard, pool, boat, and took a few trips cross-country as a family, and many day trips during the summer (so much to do in New England)! We had dogs and cats, sometimes fish and hampsters, caught frogs in the brook and had parties when our parents weren't home, visited my grandparents every week, went to church on and off and never got arrested. Grew up with 5 college graduates, 9 homeowners and mostly democrats.
All in all, I had a happy childhood, I think!
Still, I hope my kids had better than I did as far as that goes. I remember feeling unloved, and made darn sure my kids would never feel like that.

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I'm finding this so interesting! Think of all the novels based on families, "coming of age" stories etc. It's a life-long preoccupation!

I'm thinking that "happiness" might be an illusion, but hell, you certainly knew it when you had a sad, neglected or dyfunctional childhood! And the effects tend to linger. I like the idea that the unhapiness experienced & coping with it teaches us wisdom.

Another thing that really intrigues me is how, often members of even the unhappiest of families go to such lengths to disguise the reality to the "world out there" .... Maybe it's important for all of us to believe that we were loved, cared for, even if that wasn't actually reflected in the experience?

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"Maybe it's important for all of us to believe that we were loved, cared for, even if that wasn't actually reflected in the experience? "

Yah, I'd say so. That's why people generally love their parents no matter what they do to them. To do otherwise is admitting to yourself that maybe you were not loved, or worse, unloveable.

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I thought (honest and for true) that my family was a happy one throughout my childhood. I have four brothers, and we are now all married with children of our own. But it has been fascinating, I assure you, to compare notes with my brothers (and cross-check those with my Dad). There were quite a few misunderstandings, I can tell you!

All this came as a bit of a surprise to me. I guess I was blessed with a "forgive and forget" temperment. One of my kids has it, too. Bless her heart. I expect that at least one of my kids will report that she grew up in a "happy family" thirty years from now. Wink

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the reincarnation of suzy wrote:

That's why people generally love their parents no matter what they do to them. To do otherwise is admitting to yourself that maybe you were not loved, or worse, unloveable.

And there's that very important factor: survival ... A very small child absolutely needs the care & protection of their parents to live! So we adapt our feelings to feel safe & survive. Feeling otherwise would feel very threatening.

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jnhofzinser wrote:

I thought (honest and for true) that my family was a happy one throughout my childhood. I have four brothers, and we are now all married with children of our own. But it has been fascinating, I assure you, to compare notes with my brothers (and cross-check those with my Dad). There were quite a few misunderstandings, I can tell you!

All this came as a bit of a surprise to me. I guess I was blessed with a "forgive and forget" temperment. One of my kids has it, too. Bless her heart. I expect that at least one of my kids will report that she grew up in a "happy family" thirty years from now.

Yes, you are lucky. It's interesting how siblings can come to such different understandings of the same experience, isn't it?

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thehamster wrote:

So the result of all this is that my siblings, my parents and I don't know anything about each other. It's like living with a bunch of strangers and still pretending to be close with each other.

Sadly, I know exactly what you mean, hamster. Weird, isn't it?

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I know. That's my point. You can fight like cats and dogs and still be a happy family.

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msolga wrote:

It's interesting how siblings can come to such different understandings of the same experience, isn't it?

It certainly is! If it is any indication, though, I can phone up any of my brothers at any time and have a great chat. I guess that's evidence of a happy family?

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Something that intrigues me is the roles/personal characteristics parents sometimes project onto their children: For example, there's the "good" child, the "bad" one, the "sensitive" one, the "responsible" one ....
& also the families where one child is "dad's" & the other relates only to mum ....
It sure gives the children a lot to contend with in life! Personally, I've found it very challenging coping with being labelled "good" & "responsible. It meant that I constantly had a Henry kissinger sort of role, mediating with my parents & the "bad" sister. Laughing

I've really had to work hard to not be that person in adult life!

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I think it depends on where you fall in the family. As the youngest, and the only girl, I was protected from alot of the negative. But also, as the youngest and only girl in a male-dominated home, I was put upon to perform traditional female household duties from the time I was a little kid. That pissed me off alot of times but didn't make me unhappy. Just pissed off that I'd been born female.

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jnhofzinser wrote:

msolga wrote:
It's interesting how siblings can come to such different understandings of the same experience, isn't it?
It certainly is! If it is any indication, though, I can phone up any of my brothers at any time and have a great chat. I guess that's evidence of a happy family?

As good a definition as any, jnhofzinser! Very Happy

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eoe wrote:

Just pissed off that I'd been born female.

So how did this affect the adult eoe? Very Happy

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I grew up to love being female but I'm real careful, almost paranoid, about being taken advantage of or worse, being taken for granted. If i get an inkling of an idea that, if trying to help someone, that someone is taking me for granted, I shut down completely and you can forget about me doing anything for you at all. And that includes family.

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Enough of that nurturing stuff, eoe? Laughing

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My mother always told us girls "It's a man's world"
because that's how she saw it (not that she was wrong). I have 2 sisters who can do almost everything a guy can do and then some, and me and my other sister are practically helpless girlygirls. I don't know why. But then I had the three sons and continued in that vein, and now here I am, alone and incapable of so many things!
Okay, not incapable, more like unwilling! I don't want to know how to do stuff. I want boys to do it for me! Stuff like screwing things into walls and doing things to my car, yuk.
I am pretty self-sufficient and all that, but there are some things I just don't want to have to do! I did manage to hook up my computer and internet, and strutted around all proud for a week! And I don't think men are superior to me or better than me, just better at that stuff than me!

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the reincarnation of suzy wrote:

My mother always told us girls "It's a man's world"
because that's how she saw it (not that she was wrong). I have 2 sisters who can do almost everything a guy can do and then some, and me and my other sister are practically helpless girlygirls. I don't know why. But then I had the three sons and continued in that vein, and now here I am, alone and incapable of so many things!
Okay, not incapable, more like unwilling! I don't want to know how to do stuff. I want boys to do it for me! Stuff like screwing things into walls and doing things to my car, yuk.
I am pretty self-sufficient and all that, but there are some things I just don't want to have to do! I did manage to hook up my computer and internet, and strutted around all proud for a week! And I don't think men are superior to me or better than me, just better at that stuff than me!

They've just had more practice at it, suzy! Laughing

I can relate to your situation, unfortunately. Tended (without meaning to) to do the "girl things" like cooking, nurturing, taking the cats to the vet, etc ... While my ex mowed the lawn, dug holes in the garden (which I planted out), changed the fuse wire, etc ..... Now, on my own for the first time ever, I'm learning, bit by bit, to do the boy things. At first, after I shifted to my own place, I was horrified at the gaps in my survival skills. Very embarrassing Embarrassed

but I'm learning with the assistance of a few capable women! Very Happy

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I understand Suzy completely. Til this day, I'm ashamed to admit, car mechanics, changing fuses, mowing and raking, the 'boy' things, are completely boring to me and I have no desire to know these things. I leave those things up to my big ol' man.
The irony of my growing up was that altho' my mother insisted that I assist her with household duties because of my sex, at the same time, she taught me to be very independent professionally and not to look for or expect a man to take care of me financially. God bless her.

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