Happy families?

I think I lived a sort of female version of Portnoy's Complaint .... though my family wasn't Jewish, but Eastern European. But a similar combination of love, hate, guilt, religion & angst! It wasn't fun! And sibling rivalry! Being the 2nd child was no picnic in my family, with daughter No1 resentful of my presence to this day!

So I used to look at those nice, uncomplicated WASP families & think it looked SO easy! But was it?

same rule as any relationship; mutual respect -> happy relationship! :wink:

[and a little 'compassion', never hurts.]

Would that describe your experience of growing up in your family, BGW?

I grew up in a very happy home with two loving parents who, from all accounts had a happy marriage. They showered me with love and attention. I wasn't spoiled but I never wanted for anything. I'm an only child so my family was small. When I was over my friends houses and they had siblings...the fighting, the chaos, their parents bickering, some dads were alcoholic....I was always glad to go home to a place that was comforting, peaceful and tranquil.

It's hard to define what a 'happy family' really is. I suppose the family is only as happy as each of it's members are as individuals. People in happy families share traits like...gratitude, forgive easily, are affectionate with one another, support the emotional needs of one another, maintain relationships with extended family members, have lots of friends...

All of which is easier said than done.

You're very lucky, doglover. My family stories could make a great soap opera! But the good thing is, the older & wiser you get, the less "tragic" the whole experience seems .... You can almost see the humourous side of things.

To a degree, but in this case the lack of 'conflict' was the result of a British emotional void, rather than willful harmony.

Wisdom perhaps, is not honed as deeply by the perfections in our lives, as by the imperfections.

Happy families are medicated families.

I always think of my childhood and family as happy. I have very fond memories. I had 3 brothers which I constantly fought with, and had two stable married parents. My parents did not make a lot of money, my dad a blue-collar worker and my mom usually had a full time job too. We did not have excess, but had enough. They were always very loving. My parents got married young, my mom at 18 and have stayed married for the most part happily. I only remember one really bad fight and it frightened me. We had a small house with only one bathroom. Aside from my older brother (there always has to be one), our family is happy and still cares a great deal for each other. And none of us are on medication (except perhaps my older brother).

msolga, I totally agree with you that the older you get the less dramatic all the experiences lying behind you seem.
I myself can say that the family I grew up in totally sucked and still does suck.
My parents broke up when I was a little kid and we grew up with my dad.
Yet the prob there is that my dad has absolutely no idea how to handle any kind of relationship with any person exept from him. All he was and still is able to is to show his love and respect by spending money on you, but that doesn't help you when it comes to having relationships yourself - you only know what you are taught.
So the result of all this is that my siblings, my parents and I don't know anything about each other. It's like living with a bunch of strangers and still pretending to be close with each other.

My childhood experience was horrible with practically no happy moments. I bring a certain amount of baggage to my relationships because of it, but I would say for sure my children and squinney know I love them and I will always be there for them.

Whether that's the same as happy, you'd have to ask them.

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." - Leo Tolstoy (opening line from Anna Karenina)

You have chosen to turn a negative childhood into a positive for your wife and children. You are a good man BPB. They are very lucky to have you...and I know you feel lucky to have them.

We probably gave the illusion of a happy family but of course, behind closed doors, there was unhappiness and some misery. My father was not a good husband to my mother emotionally and it's amazing that she was able to put up such a facade for us kids but she did it. We had alot of fun growing up, my brothers and I, and regardless of what was happening between my parents, they did their best to not let it affect the kids. There were arguments and fights tho' and my father was a drinker, a mean drinker at that, but we knew that we were loved dearly and we were well taken care of. Spoiled even. To a degree.
I think there are good times and bad times with all families. That is, if you're lucky, and it's not just bad all the time.

Well... my nuclear family unit was functional, but not happy. Dad's depressed, recently left Mom, who doesn't know how to do anything but work. Lived for a while with Aunt and Uncle (during financial hardships) and cousins, very strained relationships there, and I think some hushed-up abuse. I was the youngest and weird, so I was kind of wrapped up in little world.

So, no outward signs of unhappiness throughout upbringing, and ample support and freedom to grow and all tat hoo hah. But happy? No, 't'wasn't -- just dutiful. But none of my or Sister's or Cousins' friends ever caught onto this.

So it is possible that many of these happy families you see are going through the motions with no real passion or emotion, living depressed lives, never fighting and never loving.

Does that make you feel any better?

Olga, I was the baby in my family, and a GIANT surprise to my parents; consequently, I was like an only child. I played alone quite a bit, and therefore learned to improvise. I could turn an oatmeal box filled with dirt into a grocery store.

My parents rarely fought, but one time I do remember that they had an altercation, and it scared the hell out of me. Often, it's the infrequent arguments that frighten a child more, I think.

Now my kids? Wow! talk about sibling rivalry! but when one or the other is in crisis, I am still amazed at the total dedication they have in helping work through the problems.....

I did many things that were wrong, but I like to think that I did more right. and in between, my husband played the bass.

Happy families can be found only in t.v. shows.

Actually, I know one. My friends and their kids, both of whom are in their early 20s. I kept waiting for things to fall apart, but they never did. Everyone seems to like each other; it's a bit strange.

Diane Arbus once said something to the effect that all families are a little creepy. I think I know what she meant...

Good quote (well, paraphrase).

I had a pretty disfunctonal family and ... a pretty bad home life. I survived you get coping skills. mine was I am an adult at the age of 10 and I take care of an infant... oh well my point is there are good families and there are bad. I turned out just fine with the acception of my weight complex. but the has nothing to do with my family.