My Story

So, I started talking to this girl on the internet, I know how cliche'. We started out this whole thing talking, we had a common sports team and just hit it off really well. We talked for months and months and then I backed away for awhile. Then around Thanksgiving 2013 we started talking again. We had thrown around I love you, and had some feelings for each other. We both had told each other we were separated when indeed neither one of us were. We had emotional holes in our marriage relationships that of course each other filled.

We finally met in April when I had to go to training at a place near her house. After spending time with her, I was not that physically attracted to her, but something about her kept drawing me in. Now mind you she lives 700 miles away in another country no less. We talked of being together, we made the jump to even talk about finding a job there and us and her two kids being together. I know it sounds insane but it sounded very attractive, a new start, a new love, we got along well and the list goes on. So I was considering it and some days still do. She has told me that her husband is the only man she has ever been with besides me, that this is a one off, and that she would never cheat on me. We all know the story. Of course I believe her, I can tell she is inexperienced, and that is a turn on. Her husband caught us one night in a hotel, and I guess that was quite the confrontation. I offered to go out with her to talk to him, and protect her but she talked me out of it. We still continued to meet and of course their relationship is less that good. Then he found me via Twitter and decided to send some poison pen letters anonymously to my wife and grown children. They were nothing to do with my relationship with his wife, but just general internet flirting and had printed out my chat accounts from her phone no less and sent them to my family. She confronted him about them and he lied blatantly but she had evidence off the computer that he had done it. I called him and confronted him and after a few threats back and forth, we kind of left it on pretty good terms. This has only been a few months ago.

Now here I sit a year later after we first met, we see each other several times a year. I don't know how I have pulled that off without being totally caught. I am so confused by this all. I have this attraction to this woman that I do not belong with, that I am not moving out of country to be with, but she still wants to be with me, she wants me to move, she talks of moving here, and on and on. I start to walk away then I get pulled back in, by her saying you are the only one I want, no one else could ever be like you. I know typical man, stroke my ego and I am ready to give up everything to be with her.

Now to my wife. My wife is a saintly woman, has put up with my ass for a lot of years, she would do anything for me, but we were in a marriage that is a facade. We did not communicate well, we could not talk about the sensitive subjects, like sex, money, etc. My therapist says I was perfectly unhappy. Then along came this girl that met those desires and we hit it off and everything has changed.

Then shortly after I met her, I started therapy, because my mother had passed away the previous fall leaving me with nothing. I was really hurt and a lot going on in my head and then this affair. Dear God, my head was a mess. I have been working through this all through therapy, my counselor has identified that I was not happy in my marriage, and pretty much told me that happily married people don't cheat.

I know this is all over the place, probably not the only reason I am not a writer.

So, recently after visiting her, I came back and thought this is not what I want. I am risking everything, family, finances, I have a house and actually a beautiful wife. During the time I was ready to stop this, I felt better at my job, close to my wife and all was good. Then I got drawn right back in, how quickly I forgot how I felt when I saw her last. I cannot seem to let her go. Now she has put the pressure on to get us together full time.

I am so jealous with her, and I never have been, I am so anxious with her. Every little thing that she does I freak out. I am not sure what to do with myself. I know you are going to say grow a set and cut this off right now. If only it were so easy. I know that she has lied in the past, I know that she still lives with her husband and claims she is separated (in house) and I just overlook it all. I do not trust her, but here I am. My counselor says your emotions are there to give you a message and yours are saying run.

Geesh, I know this sounds like the ramblings of a mad man, but I had to dump it somewhere. I am not looking for your approval, or judgement, if you legitimately have been in this situation and have some helpful advice please feel free to give it.

I know that many of you will say, serve you right, and call me names, but I do want to make things right, I don't want to live a dual life, and I believe that we all deserve to be happy.

Sometimes I just wish I had an out, a way to end it without anyone getting hurt. This is only part of the story, but I years worth of post might have been overwhelming.