I need advice on what to do

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Me and my husband have been married for 7 years. When we were married for 5 months, he deployed to Washington d.c. And when he was there for 3 months. He got drunk and slept with another woman the night that I left from visiting him. I was so hurt but I put it in a box In the back of my head and didn't think about it or talk about it anymore. He got home and we ended up having our baby girl! She is now 4 yrs old. He deployed again about 18 months ago and while he was gone he started calling this girl to apologize that he slept with her while they were both drunk! And he called more than once! I was home dealing with everything and my husband is calling his affair woman! My husband came home and his family is at our house ALL the time! It's like a freaking frat party when my husband is off work from everyone drinking and I am always taking care of my little girl. He gets upset because I won't drink and have a good time with them. I met a man! And I have ended up having an affair! I have fallen in love with him and I have tried to break it off several times but I can't do it. I can't hardly breathe because I miss him so much. I told my husband about the affair and he is having difficulty forgiving me which I totally understand but my husband and I have never had a good relationship. The sex has never been great and I can't talk to him. He has never taken up for me in my thoughts and feelings or put me first before his family. And he never will. My affair man tho, it's a totally different scenario! He always tells me I am pretty even when he seems mad at me for still being in my situation. I have never felt love and passion and these intense feelings with anybody else. I can talk to him and connect with him unlike my husband. I just don't want to hurt my little girl by not being with her daddy! HELP me understand what to do

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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 1,064 • Replies: 7

[+3] - PUNKEY - 03/24/2015You [u]do[/u] know that alcoholism is predictable and progressive don't you? Your life will get worse with him and his drinking. He is now into the "blame" stage where he gets angry...

BOTH of you are unhappy. There's nothing right about this marriage. You have NEVER really been married to this disrespectful, emotionally unavailable soldier -boy. Why keep on this charade of a marriage?

Why do you stay with him (O, don't you DARE talk about your daughter. HE has not been there to even be a good father, so why prolong this?) Is it the money and benefits that keeps you there?

Re: your "new" man. Yes, I bet he's mad about you not making up your mind. You owe him to at least be honest about why you stay with this absent-husband.

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Life is too short to be unhappy; leave him.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who the hell wants to be institutionalized? I think it's ridiculous. It is a legal and binding contract that you enter into in an emotional state without benefit of council, that you need a lawyer and a judge to get out of. Would you start a business partnership with out a lawyer???
Live with this guy, you dont need the state to sanction your decission. Every day you stay together is another day you reaffirm your love for each other.

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@Kellygirl,

Kelly, your daughter is 4 years of age. She is young and will cope with what ever decisions you make in life, providing you continue to love her. Your Husband will still be in her life and see her as well.

It's un-settling that your Husband has to drink to the extent of being drunk and wants you to drink with him, he's an alcoholic in my terms, especially drinking whilst deployed as well. I can only visualise your daughter seeing her Father drunk, you stating you don't want to drink with him, the un-easiness about the time you three spend together. Children can sense things especially at that age. She would be better of in a situation of pure happiness don't you think?

It's nice that you feel you are putting your daughter first but in reality you aren't because she can sense the non love within her home.

Do what is right for both of you.

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@Kellygirl,

You've got a few different things you need to sort out.

Do you think there is any possibility that there is a future for your marriage - regardless of the affairs both of you have had?

If there is - talk to your husband about what steps he is willing to take to continue in the marriage.

If there is not - contact a lawyer and begin the process needed to end the marriage.

Hopefully your daughter's father will continue to want to parent along with you if the marriage ends. In either case, it is his responsibility to be a good parent to your daughter. Right now it doesn't sound that good. Four year olds aren't meant to live at frat parties. Your daughter's father may need assistance from military counsellors to develop his parenting skills.

Put the affair guy aside for now. You've got a whole life to sort out.

If you've got a strong relationship with affair guy, he will understand this and will still be available to you once you've sorted out your marriage and your parenting arrangements.

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I think the only thing that really keeps me there is I am a person that cares what people thinks. I don't know why I am like that but I am. And I did leave him for a short while and I got talked about so bad that it drove me back. He is a good person and has a huge family so that just makes it hard. I know I shouldn't care what people think but I get bad anxiety about it. I went back and I will drink a glass of wine every now and then so he won't get mad that I'm not drinking because I did address the problem and now he gets mad because I do drink a glass or two and he says if he can't do it because I don't like it then I cant. But I was only doing it because I thought it would make him happier. It's very hard and I know my daughter will adjust one day. I just had people telling me when I left him that I was being selfish because it was making her unhappy and changing her so I went back for that reason to. Thank you for all that y'all have said. It does help give me a peace of mind about some feelings that I have been having

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@Kellygirl,

You do know that alcoholism is predictable and progressive don't you?

Your life will get worse with him and his drinking. He is now into the "blame" stage where he gets angry when you or others won't drink with him.

Since you care so much about what his dysfunctional family says and thinks, you are really in a family "cult" aren't you?

I wonder if you realize the harm you are doing to your daughter NOW when she sees an unhappy enabling mother and a drunk, absent father.

Good luck. You are going to need it. Try Alanon if things get worse.

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@Kellygirl,

Hey Kelly...can you say doormat? Now if you think that is harsh ask yourself if you want to teach it to your daughter.

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I need advice on what to do

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