Mon 23 Mar, 2015 11:34 pm
I am unsure what to think. I ask you not to judge me.
I have been in an abusive relationship for a number of years. It's obviously pretty painful. I am not in a position where I can yet leave. Last summer, my boyfriend told me that one of his friends, who I did not know well, was very good at a subject in which I needed help, so he suggested I ask him for his advice. I did so, and as it turned out, we were extremely attracted to each other, to the point where we wound up having to have a few discussions about it. The project I needed help with took some time, and we spent a lot of time together over the course of 8 weeks. My boyfriend and I have a very good friendship with this man, and we still see him quite a bit. Whenever he is over, he seeks out, and maintains strong eye contact with me. He is always sure to give me a hug when he leaves. It seems like the hugs have gotten a big longer.
The last time he was here, apparently we made more eye contact than usual. I didn't really realize it myself. We are so comfortable together. Time just passes so quickly. It's like no one else is around. But after he left, my boyfriend said, "Gee, why don't you guys just do it in front of me?" I hadn't realized that there was that much energy between us. I kind of felt bad, but it is hard to feel bad sometimes, since, as I say, my relationship is not healthy.
Well, for whatever reason, a stupid impulse, I wrote to this man asking him if he wanted to come hang out with me sometime, like we used to when he was helping me. I made no mention of our attraction to each other. In some ways, I truly meant it to be platonic, because I am so lonely. But I know I can't deny my attraction to him as a motivating factor in wanting to see him.
He didn't answer for a good while, a week or so, and then was out of town, and at one point I thought I really overstepped my bounds, so I wrote to say I was sorry and shouldn't have asked him to come over. But then a few days later, he answered and said he wanted to see me, wasn't intending to ignore me, and had been thinking. Though, he didn't say about what.
I wrote back and said I would still like to see him. Yes, this man knows about my unhealthy relationship, and when I wrote to him to say I would like to see him still, he told me to contact him if I need help with my boyfriend. I wrote back and told him when I would be free, and asked him if he would make himself free that particular day. He wrote back that yes, he would be free. And now we have a plan to spend time together while my s/o is gone, and this man knows he will be gone. This man is married, which is another factor. At one point last summer, he made sure to tell me he would never cheat, and that he loved his wife. I truly believed him. Yet, he still can't stop looking at me intensely, and the last time I saw him, he stood so close to me while looking at something with me, that he pushed up against me and stayed like that for a bit. I couldn't tell if it was with awareness or not.
I guess my question is, does this sound like I am starting an affair? Or does it sound like this guy is just trying to be a good friend? I am not sure what I have started here!!
You are unhappy with your BF and vulnerable to anyone who pays attention to you. That's why you gravitated to this man who actually listened to you and acted interested in what you thought. But this is not the way to get happy.
You MUST put the brakes on all this RIGHT NOW>
Rule #1 dear: DON'T MESS WITH MARRIED MEN!!
Don't keep this "date" - think of this man's wife and family.
(May I ask your age and his age?)
he told me to contact him if I need help with my boyfriend. I wrote back and told him when I would be free, and asked him if he would make himself free that particular day. He wrote back that yes, he would be free. And now we have a plan to spend time together while my s/o is gone, and this man knows he will be gone.
sounds like he is willing to help you leave a bad situation and thinks this is what the meeting will be about
whatever else, you need to sort out the situation with your boyfriend before you do anything else.
You can't leave yet?
Yes you can. Women have left with nothing but the clothes on their backs.
Line up your ducks and get out. Don't waste your time mooning over this guy. Take care of yourself first and foremost and get outta Dodge.
I gotta agree with the others here. You can get out. So do so.
And, stop contacting this other guy. He is married. If you want his help with the situation with your boyfriend, ask to meet with he and his wife. Don't meet with him alone. For your sake as much as his. Do you really want to become this man's piece on the side? Because if he decides to cross the line with you, that is likely what you will be. (Of course, maybe he really does have no intention of crossing a line with you, in which case he should be quite willing to meet with you in his home while his wife is there.)