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Mon 23 Mar, 2015 05:00 pm
Hello all, I’m new to these forums so first of all I would like to say hello.
Ok so here’s the situation, me and my ex have been on and off for about 6 months now. Me and him had a pretty good relationship up until the time we both lost our jobs, we started fighting more and eventually broke up, after not talking for a while he reached out to me and we spent time together, the problem however was our time was always cut short because he was now self-employed and would say there was something he had to get done and I had to leave. This always upset me and made me feel like I didn’t matter to him, so I would get an attitude and that lead to him not wanting to talk to me anymore. A few more months past and we started talking again and spending time together and again it was ok but I would get upset that I didn’t feel like things were ever going to go anywhere so I got angry at him and again he pushed me away.
We are currently talking again, and of course again I feel uneasy about where things are going to go. I addressed it with him and asked him if we were going to work on being in a relationship again, to which he replied he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone, he has to many things to focus on.
He is self-employed, and no doubt is busy and also lives an hour away so its not like he can just stop over for a few minutes, but I’ve had people tell me if someone really wants to be with you they are never too busy for you. Is that true, is he using too busy as an excuse to not commit to me?
What confuses me is that he always tells me he misses me and despite being busy he does make time to see me. It seems like he still does have feelings for me.
I worry sometimes he is just using me for a hookup, but at the same time after going our separate ways 3 different times and the fact he has to drive an hour to see me, I don’t think he would still be around if I was just for a hookup.
I think I scare him off when I start to talk about working towards being in a relationship again, but I bring it up because I fear he will never commit to me if I make it seem like I’m ok with seeing each other without eventually knowing we will be exclusive.
I guess the advice I’m looking for is, if I continue to see him without bringing up relationships and anything heavy, and just focus on being a fun person to be around and text with, will time and patience bring us together again?
Hi!
Maybe don't go with anything heavy. I've been involved with startups and they can be exhausting. You're responsible for everything when you start a new business, and you have to teach yourself all sorts of stuff.
What I can see from here is you are more interested in him and a relationship with him than he is with you. My suggestion is that you start looking around.
You might not follow any advice or suggestions, but may help you clarify your feelings.
@smart14,
Quote: to which he replied he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone
Quote:I worry sometimes he is just using me for a hookup
He told you outright that he is simply using you for a hookup. So, you either go with the flow or if you want to be more than somebody's booty call, you stop contacting him and start looking for someone who is interested in having a relationship with you.
'On and off" for 6 months is not a long time. Start dating other people.
He may be the right guy, but this is the wrong time and wrong place for a relationship.
You are feeling used (whether he has valid reasons or not - he's just not there) so it's best that you not wait around for left-over time with him.
@smart14,
smart14 wrote:he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone, he has to many things to focus on.
He is self-employed, and no doubt is busy and also lives an hour away
the fact he has to drive an hour to see me,
I think I scare him off when I start to talk about working towards being in a relationship again, but I bring it up
1. as he is very busy with his start-up, why are you not going to visit him and taking the travel time out of his schedule? You can drive there, have lunch with him, and drive home
2. he has said he does not want to be in a relationship with anyone at this time. Stop bringing it up. It annoys me and I'm not even the person you're doing it to. It is sort of evidence that you're not listening to him - why would he pick you if he ever was going to be in a relationship? you've already proven that you don't listen to him.
Listen to him. Respect what he says.
If you still want to be a friend of his - without relationship expectations - be a friend, do some of the travelling to see him - and respect his time.
@smart14,
This man is being honest.
You are talking as if this man has an obligation to be with you. He doesn't. He doesn't have to commit to you (or anyone else). He doesn't doesn't have to spend time with you. He doesn't owe you any excuses or explanations. And he doesn't have any obligation to be with you in the future.
You can either accept what he is offering, or move on. I think that you having any expectation that he will come around is foolish.
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