Am I paranoid, please help

I forgot to say with the text message I confronted her and she said it was about biscuits and that she deleted all texts from work as to not clog up memory.

And another reason I suspect is that there is a lot of crap going on at her work and when she says bad stuff about someone I agree and give my opinion on what I've heard but if I ever say anything bad about this dude she just stops talking about it all as if she doesn't want me saying anything bad about him but it's ok with the others.

You're checking her freakin' underwear for clues now?

Brother.....my affair started like that, I was hiding my texts,I was deleting all them. It was a crazy situation I left my affair partner 3 months ago. My wife never found out becouse I never changed, I still gave her everything she needed. You say that she gets upset when you mention his name, to me thats a big red flag. I would be as straight forward as i can and would ask her if there is something going on. Some woman are not that good at lying or hiding something. Look at her straight in her eyes. You will know.

I wasn't checking her underwear, I was putting it all in the machine and noticed this particular pair as I was about to throw it in, as for knowing about normal discharge, we've been together over 10 years and I've seen it all before

How do I go about this, just straight out and ask and say all I have in this post? I've sort of mentioned stuff in the past and her reaction seemed legit an honest but maybe things have progressed since then, I'm really not a jealous or possessive person it's just this dude and what I've observed. If her answers seem genuine and she says it's not true am I an ass to ask her to delete snap chat? I just find it weird her only sending it to him even if it is innocent

You'll be the bet person to ask this..,,
I've just it into her online phone bill and had a look through, she texts him almost everyday, one day there was 36 messages, in just one day, another time it was 17.
Before each set of text message her internet seems to be used, snapchat? Or mm messages I don't know.
This pretty much puts the last nail in the coffin doesn't it?
Now if I tell her I've done this an it's not the case, that's me pretty much f@@ked for trust.
Oh and when I said about taking her phone everywhere last night and keeping it upside down..... She'd texted him in that time

How about TALKING to her? When she asked what was wrong, you acted like a little boy who doesn't have verbal skills to express his distress. NOW is the time to speak up about this issue:

How about:

"I'm not feeling good about us. I see signs that you are very distracted in your relationship with XXXXX, with the phone calls and texts. I'm feeling left out.

" Yes, I am jealous. So you need to convince me that this is not a full blown affair. What's going on?"

If you don't speak up, then google "cuckhold." You may be one of these guys who gets off at the idea their wife is with other men.

Your in a tough situation becouse your mind is working overtime and sooner or later is going to destroy who you are. Then the pain of not knowing is going to start eating you alive. You need to diffuse this situation quickly before it gets out of hand. I have a friend that works for homeland security and his wife had an affair, he went through the phone bill and there were alot of texts everyday almost all day from her to the affair partner and vice versa. He went up to her and asked her and she lied telling him (his just a friend) well apparently he had more proof of them being together becouse he had the means to go through her phone. I GUESS SHE FORGOT THAT HE WORKS FOR HOMELAND SECURITY. A month later he was devorced. She lost everything. My point to this story is that you better ask her and let her know how you feel. Becouse i can tell that your gonna have a breakdown if you don't.

We have spoke and it seems to be all cleared up,
I told her what i suspected and why and she had valid explanations for them
And seemed genuinely shocked at what I was saying.
I could tell from her reactions and she kept eye contact all the way through so unless she works for the CIA and is a super spy I don't think she was lying, she admited they do text abit at work before I told her I knew how much
It was.
I suggested arranging a meet up with him and his wife and she seemed cool with that, no look of concern when I mentioned it.
She told me to go on her profiles anytime I want as there is nothing to hide.

And dude, I came on here for help not belittlement, I certainly do not like the thought of my wife with another man, had I known 100% something was going on or she broke down when I spoke to her I'd probably be locked up right now.

Other than that, thanks for the help, I think I need to be
Abit more trusting of her.

RE-read your own fantasies!

You had yourself convinced that she was cheating and built up a case to prove it. Even looking at her underwear!

Instead of TALKING to her about it, you got all excited about nothing.

smokeeater,
I'd like to ask you a question since you are a former cheater. My husband says he can tell when I am concerned about something he may have done. As if I get this personality that tips him off that I've been doing some investigating. Many times this is not true. I was wondering if this might be a form of guilt and he is actually wondering if I did come across something that he may not have hidden as well as he thought.
Yes, in the past he almost cheated. And since has done things that were out of the norm for him. I've known him 19 years and we have been married 18. So I know when something is out of the norm for him. And yes there are times that I was doing my own investigation. But sometimes this accusation of his comes out of the blue.

Snap chat. That's where I think there is more. I was in an affair, and he wanted me to get snap chat badly, because the pics aren't kept. Him being her only friend on there is odd. What would she be sending pics of?

Smokeater, please see my post below. I'm new here and could not figure out how to have you read this. Hopefully this helps.

Spikeybrown, I'm in a relationship where I've just found out that my boyfriend cheated on me for 2 years of our relationship. I think the fact that she takes her phone to the bathroom with her is a red flag, especially if she never used to do it. If it is an affair, I hope you find out soon. Keep us updated

Hey smoke eater,
May be you can help me (I posted a similar question and guessing game and the paranoia is killing me) . Why it is because I am and got so many mixed signals and confusing words and behaviours from my husbands I really don't know what is the truth anymore.

Thing is all the signs are there if you click open any main signs of affairs from less sex, less intimacy, less conversation, less emotional connection, need for more and more "space", picking fights, saying rude things, super super critical of me his wife, taking more care in appearance from clothing to starting chin ups, bringing phone with him to washroom and taking like 15-20 min longer showers, working on laptop on weekends- even Saturdays Fridays, especially after a bad night with me recently! You name it
Anyways would someone who cheat go as far as to break down and say the fact that his wife accuses him after a long day of work is sooooo hard! He literally broke down or got super angry to both to say he has to fight with people he doesn't have people to talk to he has to fight with me accusing him when he's been faithful. He even asks "what has he done to deserve this" and "he doesn't deserve this" (yes sounds melodramatic as it was a crisis scene indeed but we are okay now surprisingly when I hugged him and tried to stop him from breaking down more and said "sorry sorry yes you don't deserve this. You have been faithful may be it's my issue (yes I said) I will deal with it sorry" hard to believe still it was me who said all that. He really seemed to calmed down from it and almost had a 180 degree change in behaviours giving me everything I need from less criticism more kiss, not pushing me away when I tried to hug in bed, not looking at me like he hates my guts) ok it's only been like two days since that "ugly scene".
Infact ever since I brought up my suspicion to him and told him that his behaviours are exactly like those who are cheating, he manages to change somewhat. That seems questionable no? I mean if it was because he was more or less naturally like that would he bother to change?
Like he doesn't take his phone to washrm doesn't do chin ups anymore for eg
Would you go so far to make a scene ?
What was the most sincere "lie" if any you would tell?
How did u try to keep her from finding out?
Please help!

I confronted her about it when we spoke and she insists it's harmless ad that it's just random crap from the office, he obviously uses snapchat with other people, she also uses it with me and her brother but randomly. She seemed genuine wit her response to it all and I don't think she was lying. All I can do now is trust her and if it turns out anything was/is going on then she's lost me and the kids. I'm trying not to monitor everything anymore as it was driving me
Mad, if she is cheating she knows I suspected something and knows what will happen if she ever gets found out so if she was or is willing to have an affair she doesn't deserve to have me anymore.

She did that with her pone once to be honest and it was taken upstairs and left in our bedroom whilst she showered, but that was what tipped me over the edge I confronted her about it and she said shed done as she was expecting a text from him but after the last time I found a text she was worried if react badly if I saw anything, I said it would have been better if I'd seen it or she said I'm expecting a text from blah about blah so you don't worry when you see it.
She apologised and said she'd let me know in the future and since then she hasn't been guarding her phone and has given me the passwords to everything and told me to look anytime I want as she's got nothing to to hide, she wasn't aware I already knew them all and had checked anyway. I'm trying not to check and be a possessive partner. She's also agreed to arrange a meet up with this dude and his wife so I can see he's just a friendly guy and I should be able to read his reactions at the time if he guilty of anything. I also have his address so they both know if something was going on I can easily find him. Not that I plan to kill the guy or anything.