My husband threatened me for the first time last night.

Reply Mon 16 Mar, 2015 04:12 am
We were having a lovely Sunday afternoon with his parents and our two daughters. He had been drinking, this is not out of the norm on the weekends. We have been together for nearly a decade, so he knows me. He knows I don't like to be tickled, and when he's drunk his tickling is more like a mix of actual tickling and jabbing. I was on the couch and our 7 month old was playing on the floor right near us. I kept telling him to stop, but he just kept on going and I got irritated with being pinned and "tickled" when I had already kicked him off and told him sternly to stop several times because I was clearly not enjoying this. I was also worried our baby would get hurt in the tussle. While I was flailing I hit him over the head with my phone by accident, that didn't stop him. I got angry, and hit him the second time on purpose. I don't think that I hit him that hard, but he got angry. He got up, said he was going to hit me if I ever hit him like that again. I told him I felt like I had no choice. He wouldn't stop! His mom walked in on us arguing, and in front of her he said he was going to "scatter me" all over the livingroom if I ever hit him again, that if I wanted to act like a man he was going to treat me like a man. I really don't see how flailing and asking profusely for him to stop and him dismissing my requests is acting like a man? Was I wrong to hit him to get him off of me? Should I have just put up with his sloppy drunk behaviour? I just can't get over the fact that he threatened to physically hurt me. I mean he got in my face and for a moment, I thought he might. He kept asking me who the hell I thought I was. Um, your wife and the mother of your children so how about a little respect? He got up this morning, mad at me. Like I'm the one to blame! Am I crazy to think he owes me an apology and a promise that he's never going to threaten me again?
Reply Mon 16 Mar, 2015 07:12 am
You both need marriage counseling, and he sounds like he could use a 12-step or other alcohol abuse program.

This is a mess all around. He's getting drunk regularly, and he doesn't respect your boundaries. You end up ratcheting it up to a physical level when he won't stop. He threatens to retaliate in kind and worse. All of this happens in front of your children, who are absorbing lessons like –
  • You can get drunk a lot
  • When you get drunk, you get to do a lot of nasty things
  • When you get drunk, you get to ignore other's feelings and preferences
  • When you're bothered by a drunk, you don't pick up and leave the room, you stay and get more abuse
  • Escalating to physical violence is dandy
  • So are threats
  • Nobody feels the need to protect the children from any of these displays

Tickling is a kind of invasive touching. If he had been feeling you up against your wishes (or in public, in front of your children like you were, etc.), then this would feel a lot less ambiguous to you, I bet.

This is a messy situation all around, but you are probably going to find that you have to be the grownup in all of this. That means, potentially, taking your children out of these weekend drinking situations, possibly for long term.

I strongly suggest you consider counseling, possibly Al-Anon for spouses, if you cannot get him to go to Al-Anon. Because typical, regular drinking behavior, with no respect for others' physical boundaries, should be a big time red flag to you.
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Reply Mon 16 Mar, 2015 11:18 am
Never try reasoning with a drunk - boy, you learned that.

This "tickling" has been going on for years, so now his mind-set is "What's wrong with her now?"

Try to find a sober, quiet time to discuss this and tell him he crossed the line with his tickling and you felt threatened and violated and you reacted out.

THEN start discussing his drinking and how he behaves when he drinks.

Tell him that you are going to Alanon to help you handle your feelings. Then GO.

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