resolved

Women can do damage, although percentage wise it doesn't show up on some charts, I suppose.

My ex's brother, father of my beloved niece, is a gentle person, even now, though to be gentle in one's fifties, with his variety of experiences makes him certifiably eccentric. He of course connected with a tribal woman, and no that is not some honorific. I know her too now, and think she may be the brighter of the two, she is very smart, but started out totally missing LA social monitors.

Not to get into it here, but things are complex, who is is fault on first glance may not be, and much is to be gained if anybody can be tackled to shut up and listen.

sighs

This is where more people need to be educated about DV. Anytime a male or female is abused it IS urgent. Waiting for evidence to "build" can mean you are 6 feet under the ground while your family is left behind building this evidence.

And most people do not take DV serious when it comes to females being the perpetrator. You are not alone Bill and stuh. While it is true as a whole, men can inflict more serious injury on a woman via his fists.......women on the other hand, very often do not fall under this general form of violence. They may start out using their fist, or simply kicking, but learn quickly to resort to other things. Such as baseball bats......frying pans, knives, etc. They do this to compensate for their smaller stature and strength. And many times men are attacked while sleeping. If you wait for a woman that is hitting you....to use one of these weapons before you take it seriously it may be too late.

The point is not to excuse DV. It should not matter who started it or what the provocation was. Domestic Violence is a human problem. Not a gender problem.


~Brooke

PS- In the instance of Debra's son's g/f......again I STRESS the evidence against her goes far deeper than just a black eye. It's just a matter of how many light bulbs need to go off before it is taken seriously.

Having worked professionally both with abused females and males - I only can agree.

Anyone remember John Wayne Bobbit?

Doglover posted this in another thread, but I couldn't find it, so here's another link:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0617041bite1.html

Yes, very good! I mean, I think. Not just because of the lesson about being "social". But because stuff like that - positive interaction, things that make him feel good about himself, things that really just - take him out of the situation for a moment and make him realise there's so much out there, so much worth to go for in life - all that makes him more clear-headed and able to think for himself and fend for himself within the home situation ...

If its just that troubled, confusion- and blame-ridden home bubble you're in, you can get very muddled-minded indeed and - you know - what you said, thinking he couldnt make it without her, not having the confidence to feel there's another way to be or that he deserves things to go in a better way ...

A big part of abuse is isolation. Even if there are people here who aren't sure whether abuse is going on, one thing's for certain - isolation is.

So do things with your son, and encourage other family members and friends to do so, too. This doesn't just mean heart to hearts - it means barbecues and touch football and hey, I've got an extra ticket to the ballgame kinds of things. The interactions with the niece and nephew are very good. There should be more of them.

Your son needs to see that the rest of the world (generally) doesn't live like he does, and that he can be a part of it, too. Right now, he's probably feeling very much like the only world he belongs to is the one delineated by his girlfriend. Show him there's other stuff out there and - this is important - make sure that you're not the only one showing it to him. But you've got to be totally casual about it, because if he thinks a part of this is a problem with him breaking away from you, he will balk.

What I mean is, he is 21, at an age where the offspring tend to migrate away from the parents. The child needs to feel that his or her decisions are sound ones (even if you disagree). He needs to feel his judgment is good (even as you feel it's lousy). He needs to feel that you believe he is mature. Because, if this situation ever gets tied up in his mind with the maturing process, it will be that much harder to get him to quit the relationship. He wants to be known by his friends and family and peers as an adult. If he feels you are butting in (despite your best intentions and I am not saying this as a critique - I think you are very, very right to be concerned), he will dig his heels in.

So, give him opportunities to see how wonderful the rest of the universe is. Bolster his self-confidence. Make it understood that you still think of him as a man in all other aspects of his life - so give him positive strokes for other adult decisions and behaviors, like buying a car or getting his own place. He needs to feel that positives come from you, even if all you can see right now are a whole passel of negatives.