Fri 13 Mar, 2015 06:55 pm
I don't care for people, I cannot love - never have. I don't love my mother nor my family. I am unattached to certain emotions. I only feel elated, Mad, murderous and irritated. I am bored most of the time and unfeeling - which is fairly bad. When bored I usually have the urge to do horrible acts on the many humans around me, not myself - never rape. Usually just torture and murder, I know that isn't right. I know I'm supposed to feel more emotions than that and that I'm not supposed to have the urge to hurt/kill people but I do. I'm fairly certain that my happiness is somewhat a persona and that it is muted, I'm usually only happy talking to people whom are like me or at school, where I automatically put that persona up. In reality, I dislike so many at my school. Many have bullied me long ago, though they have stopped I haven't forgotten. I've been thrown into the psychiatric hospital for threatening death on a student.
I have never felt guilt or have regretted it. In fact I don't feel guilt, remorse OR regret, I usually only feel regret because I regret at getting caught in certain acts.
I love manipulating people thoughts and such into doing what I like, gaining my advantages and such. I can feel attraction but I don't have the urge to commit sexual acts with said people. I do occasionally experience sexual fantasies but have no urge to actually do them.
I do not have an interest in today's people I'm a loner of sorts. I’m also quite the sadist, I’ve tried not to hurt animals, like I did in the past. (I have a higher respect for animals than humans.)
I know the feeling inside of reading people, seeing their emotions and acting in a way to do what you want without them knowing. Often when I'm board doing an activity with my dad or family I contemplate the idea of hurting them yet feel as if I'd be breaking myself by doing it. I can feel sexual attraction yet never pursue it. To stop myself from seeing the bleakness in reality I find something distracting to think about. I think about video games, and the stories behind them along with what human race is superior. This I know is a waste of time and not my true self but I do it anyways so I can reach a false sense of happiness. I hate thinking of the past whether it be good or bad I always get a sick feeling of the idea of myself. Now a days I feel as if my dad may have always wanted to manipulate me on things he wanted. I still do what he says just so I don't have to think.