Hubby cant let go of mistress.

Live with it. OR
Leave OR
he changes and stops this teenage foolishness.

That's about all you can do.

He's in an awesome position and is trying to weasel out of changing. Bullshit that he cares about her feelings. She is the other woman and I'm sorry but her feelings mean a lot less in this equation than yours do.

He strings both of you along, has sex in two cities and doesn't pay alimony or child support (if applicable). Your own desperation is feeding this behavior. And every bit of this is feeding his ego. If he thought you wouldn't fight for him, he'd be wondering what he'd done wrong, and trying to fix things. He's got two women gaga over him. The mistress might not even know that you exist.

Call his bluff. Call a divorce lawyer (this does not mean you ever have to actually file). Tell your husband he doesn't get to live with you while this nonsense goes on.

Right now, this has been too cheap and easy for him. Turn it into two households that he has to support. And he'll see if his mistress ponies up to pay for your maintenance, or if she'll tolerate it if he's broke because he's getting a divorce and then paying alimony.

And maybe she will. And she can have him, yes? This is a lousy position to be in, and I feel for you, but if he is caught redhanded and is still harping on taking care of her feelings when you are obviously hurt, then he is not putting your needs first.

You might want to rethink wanting to be married to this guy.

In my opinion, he knows you won't leave so he is taking advantage of you. If you threaten to leave if he doesn't show you the text where he says he's married and loves his wife or something along them lines, then that where show where his heart really is. Tell him he's scared to hurt her feelings but is hurting yours by not telling her goodbye then its clear who's feelings mean more.

A decade or three ago, I would've responded to such a situation with energetic rejection. But these days I have more of the attitude that, well, OK. If everyone is agreeable, then nobody gets hurt. Not every couple is an ultimate, made-in-heaven pairing like the story books describe. If I'm not meeting my partner's needs and she feels the urge for more than I can provide, then she's responding in a reasonable fashion by looking elsewhere to fill that gap. No pun...wait...pun intended. Of course, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Again, as long as everyone is agreeable. I would only have a problem if deception and manipulation were involved. As long as you put your cards on the table, I'm willing to work with it.

So marriage vows and commitment are now out of style?

Bullshit.

It is unfair to a spouse to be deceived and tortured like this. He should man-up and make a decision. If the marriage is sour, then get counseling - don't hide in another woman's vagina.

perhaps he needs to see someone to talk about why he is having that problem - given that he claims to love you

yup

putting the needs of the other woman first? sketch