Should I end Relationship?

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I'm currently at a stand still in my current relationship.

I am a 28 year old man dating a recovering bulimic. She spent the majority of her young 20's in recovery and has been clean for over two years. We have dated for about 18 months now.

She basically has given me an ultimatum that she wants a proposal within a few months. I for one don't feel certain that she is the right one for me.

The pros are that she is very family oriented and very sweet. She goes out of her way to do very nice things for me. She is certainly a more thoughtful person than I am.

The con is that she seems so sure that I am the one for her and ready to settle. It's the "settling" that bothers me.

She is somewhat overweight and doesn't seem set on correcting that. She says it may trigger her bulimia again and cause obsessive thoughts. I completely understand that but what bothers me is that mentality. Are you going to live in fear your whole life and avoid certain things simply because you are afraid of how you may respond? I tried leading by example and have spent $300 a month on personal training for the past 5 months. I'm in better shape than my teenage years and nearly have a 6 pack. She seems content about where she is at currently. She asked me if I wanted to go to the beach this weekend and, honestly, I'm embarrassed to. To be frank, I expect more but am afraid to bring it up to her considering her sensitivity. At a higher level, I guess I just want someone who doesn't want to settle for the status quo. I don't care where she is now, I just want someone who constantly wants to get better and has a fire in them.

We had a fight about a week ago and I discussed this with her at a higher level, not really mentioning the weight. She is a very sweet person and does a lot for others and her family, but doesn't seem to invest enough time in herself. She tells me that family is the most important thing and that she is trying to show me the value of family. She says that I am on an island and refuse to let people in. I do indeed value self sufficiency and independence and hate being a burden on other people. That's not to say I don't have a good relationship with my parents - I see them every other week.

Basically, I think we are just different people with different priorities. Neither of us are perfect. I think she is affected by sloth and I'm affected by pride and envy. She values family and wants to have kids soon but I feel that life would be too boring now. I love excelling in my career and kind of want to chase women again. I just don't feel like I had enough fun to get married yet. She says she loves me, but I'm starting to realize I may not.

Am I in the wrong here? How do I approach someone with my concerns who has these sensitivities?

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[+4] - CoastalRat - 03/10/2015[quote]She basically has given me an ultimatum that she wants a proposal within a few months.[/quote] Strike One. I don't like ultimatums. They usually come from someone seeking to control you....

@ecs34,

You want as close to the full package that you can get. Anything less will ultimately come to haunt you later. The more compromises you make the higher the chances that if you begin to have issues within the relationship these are the first to be tossed out the window and when that happens fighting starts.

From what you have mentioned she isn't exactly fitting you. Sure she has other admirable traits but she doesn't have them all. This will become a factor at some point if you marry her.

I think one of the things that people attempt to do is to try and change a person to be who they want them to be. It isn't good to have this mentality because everyone operates at their lowest defined point unless they are making personal effort to improve themselves.

You are better off finding the person that fits what you actually want that way there is less chance that you will be unhappy with their life style, habits or desires. You should never settle or think that you can mold a person to be who you want them to be. Just let her be herself, but you don't have to marry her either. Be honest and tell her that you don't feel she is right for you at this moment in time. You can't help the way that you feel. You are not a bad person for feeling the way that you do.

1 Reply

@Krumple,

Krumple...that's good advice. It does seem like we are both trying to change eachother at this point, and that can never work.

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@ecs34,

Quote:

She basically has given me an ultimatum that she wants a proposal within a few months.

Strike One. I don't like ultimatums. They usually come from someone seeking to control you. Can you imagine being married and having her tell you that she is cutting off the sex unless you start doing more of whatever?

Quote:

She asked me if I wanted to go to the beach this weekend and, honestly, I'm embarrassed to.

Strike Two. My wife is a bit overweight. Probably could use losing 50 lbs. But you know what? I'm not embarrassed to go anywhere with her or be seen with her because for all her faults, I love her. If you cannot deal with her being a bit overweight and her not caring that she is a bit overweight, then do you both a favor and walk away. She has indicated she has no desire to lose weight for fear of returning to her bulimic condition. If you cannot respect that and shy away from being seen with her in public (particularly at a beach) then I doubt you love her as much as you think.

Quote:

I love excelling in my career and kind of want to chase women again. I just don't feel like I had enough fun to get married yet.

Strike Three. If this is where your head is at, then do her a big favor and end things. You are not committed to a relationship with her, so let her get on with her life.

Bottom line, you are not ready to settle down and she is. The two of you are in two different places, which is a recipe for a lousy long-term marriage. Break it off so both of you can move on.

2 Replies

@CoastalRat,

I do appreciate the inward aspects, but I want the full package. She tells me she loves to show me off to her friends and show off my body at the beach. That's nice - why can't I have the same?

And it isn't just that- it's career too. She never got her degree but did end up in a tough to achieve career path where she will top out what I'm currently making (I currently make over twice as much). She also never moved out of her rents so I worry about the lack of experience there. That's not to suggest I'm not a slob even though I'm on my own. Like I said before I too have my faults.

You're absolutely on point though. We are in two different places. My fault is thinking that one of us will eventually change but I don't think it's ever going to happen.

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@ecs34,

You are simply reinforcing my belief that you need to move on.

Quote:

why can't I have the same?

You do have the same. Just because her body is not Barbie Doll perfect does not mean you can't be proud enough of her to "show her off." Besides, she is not a trophy or a champion race horse, she is a woman, with imperfections. If you loved her, you would see past any supposed "imperfections" to the real person inside a real person's body.

Quote:

She never got her degree but did end up in a tough to achieve career path where she will top out what I'm currently making (I currently make over twice as much).

Big deal. Are you looking for someone to love and to love you or are you looking for someone who makes as much money as you?

You may not realize this, but you sure come off as being rather shallow. I really think you will be doing her a favor by breaking it off. She may get upset, but in the long run I think she will thank you because I don't think there are many women out there who could live up to your standards. And I really say that and mean it in a nice way. I'm not trying to put you down, just trying to give you some constructive criticism to think about.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

I am well aware of my shallowness, believe me. It's something I think about a lot and wonder why I value these things so much. It's certainly an internal struggle that I often question. Are these things really that important?

I'm happy that she is on a good career path. I don't really care that much that I make more now, because I know she is on the right track. That's all I really want - forward progress.

And regarding the gym thing, is 2 hours a week really asking a lot? Sometimes my trainer kills me so hard that I end up puking. I do my best to be the best person I can be financially and on the outside, but maybe I need to focus a bit more on the inside.

Honestly I'm ambivalent. Some weeks I love this relationship and others I don't. It just seems to me that we both just need to make minor adjustments to be happy with eachother. So, should I expect such changes or simply end things?

2 Replies

@ecs34,

And I have dated girls in the past that met those standards. This is the first time I dated a girl that was slightly overweight because she told me she was interested in exercise and all that, which is all I want. However, after being in a relationship for 18+ months I'm beginning to think that was all talk.

And it's not so much the current weight..it's the habits that may form obesity when we reach our 40's. We are both in our mid-late 20's so our metabolisms should be going 300 MPH. If we don't change our habits now, then we will suffer when we are older.

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@CoastalRat,

I really don't think the whole thing is any more complicated than CoastalRat's very good summary here

CoastalRat wrote:

Bottom line, you are not ready to settle down and she is. The two of you are in two different places, which is a recipe for a lousy long-term marriage. Break it off so both of you can move on.

From what you have written it will be best for both of you if you can break it off now.

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@ecs34,

Actually, inactivity is worrysome. I say this as a present sloth who was active in youth and middle age and some of elder age.. thank goodness.

http://www.sciencealert.com/identical-twin-study-shows-regular-exercise-boosts-grey-matter

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/01/22/how-inactivity-changes-the-brain/

But, that is up to her. And.. her counseler if she ever wants one.
To me you seem to have great fondness but different views on lifestyle and what you want now, and, potentially, later. No blaming, as such, or guilt about being yourselves.

0 Replies

Should I end Relationship?

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