Numb.

In my previous post I mentioned a guy I had a thing for but he had a girlfriend. well be broke it off with me, wont look at me or talk to me anymore, and ive been abandoned so many times before Its just that feeling of finally being wanted getting ripped away again sent me in a spiral of bad things happening. I havent eaten anything since Febuary 20th, and ive lost 20 lbs, and im irritable, angry, no energy, and everytime that i grab onto something, sometimes the grip in my hands or arms will randomly give out, and ill drop it. im cold, sad, and angry at myself for even getting involved in the first place, i keep thinking "if i was thinner, If i was better, if i had just stayed away...blah blah . I hate myself, always have. I just want it to stop. everything to disapear. I dont want to feel abandoned again. life just brings that around every turn. whats the point??? Live to die? thats it. Im sick and tired of it. I knew it from the age of 5, im 18 now. happiness is temporary and always leaves no matter what. I sit in my room all day, Ive driven my friends, and people i care about away, I basically go to work, sit in my room, cry, drink, adn think of every possible thing thats wrong with me and that I could have done to change it but never actually have. Whats wrong with me? WHy cant I be like other girls? Why cant I be happy? Why am I so incapable of loving myself? I feel sick, i feel sad, i feel numb. I dont care anymore.