I can't get past the fact that my husband was not a virgin when we got married.

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I come from a very conservative family and I never kissed anyone or even dated let alone have sex. I was a virgin and I planned to stay a virgin until I found the right man and got married. I honestly took it very seriously. Anyway when I met my future husband I instantly fell in love. It was a long distance relationship but before he proposed he told me he slept with a girl before. He is also from a conservative family but this happened. I was so devastated. I almost broke it off. Please don't judge. I really do need help in what to do. So I was in tears and torn but I loved him so I accepted. I thought I would be able to forgive him his past and forget but it's been almost two years and it's been so hard for me. I constantly think about it. I found the girl on Facebook and I compare myself to her. I wanted to be my husbands only one that he was intimate with. The thought of another girl, even though it was before me kills me. After I gave birth to our firstborn I had really bad post party's depression. The whole time I thought of my husband and her. I felt like I was nobody. Please help. I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to think about it, but it won't leave my mind. What can I do??

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Type: Discussion • Score: 7 • Views: 1,402 • Replies: 13

@lulli3456 ,

What country are you in, if I may ask?

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@lulli3456 ,

You are obsessed and need counseling. It sounds like you may still have postpartum depression. You certainly need to work on your self-esteem.

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I agre with jespah - you need counseling to get over your obsession.
As a Christian you might be a bit too conservativ. Forgiving and be tolerant should be one of the priorities in your beliefs.
You need a psychologist ourside of your church and not counseling by your pastor or anyone in the congregation.

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@lulli3456 ,

You should also accept that your expectations are unrealistic.

The vast majority of us have had sex with more than one person before we got married. There are very few people, in any culture, that are virgins when they get married. Religions that tell us otherwise are lying.

Your husband didn't do anything wrong. Having sex is normal human behavior and it wasn't fair for you to expect him to abstain before he met you. I don't think it was right for you to make him apologize. It certainly isn't right for you to be seeking out this other girl.

A happy successful marriage means that you are committed to each other now. What happened before you met doesn't matter. There are many people who have happy successful marriages.

I agree that you might want to get counseling (if that is available to you). In any sense, you need to figure out how to get over this, or having a successful marriage will be impossible.

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@lulli3456 ,

Lulli the typical male's reply, "You gotta be kidding"

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@lulli3456 ,

You've got two choices, either accept it and move on, or allow it to eat you up and destroy your marriage. This happened before he met you, he wasn't unfaithful, and more importantly he chose you.

Life is not a fairy tale, and even in the fluffy nonsense of Barbara Cartland's novels, the women may be virgins, but the men have experience of an older woman.

You knew all of this when you got married, stop punishing the poor guy, and seek counselling if necessary. If you carry on like this he will go. Nobody should have to put up with this nonsense. Sorry to be blunt, but it is nonsense.

1 Reply

@izzythepush,

Quote:

You've got two choices, either accept it and move on, or allow it to eat you up and destroy your marriage.

There is a third choice...

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

Yeah, accept it and move on, or move on.

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@roger,

Oh... that would be four. (I was thinking rat poison in his morning coffee.)

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@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

Oh... that would be four. (I was thinking rat poison in his morning coffee.)

Oh...a California divorce.

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@lulli3456 ,

Why is this such a problem? SOMEBODY had to know what to do!

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@Eva,

That's funny.

In any case, I would have some doubts about anyone going into marriage without some minimal level of experience. Still, I continue to wonder in which country the op resides.

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@lulli3456 ,

Before you fall in love with someone, you have to LOVE YOURSELF. It seems like you think that this other woman is better than you because your husband slept with her before you but that is totally not the issue. She is his past and probably he doesn't even think about her. He married you for a reason and one of biggest things you have to remind yourself is that you are special, you are beautiful and you are worth it. If you constantly think about your husband and other woman together, it's going to tear your relationship apart because NO MAN finds an insecure woman attractive. Remind yourself you are beautiful!

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I can't get past the fact that my husband was not a virgin when we got married.

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