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Tue 17 Feb, 2015 05:29 pm
I am getting married in about four months and in the last couple months I have been very anxious and nervous about getting married. We have been together for four years. We have a great relationship, but the sex has always been missing. For the first year and a half he refused to give me oral sex, which caused alot of problems. Finally he overcame that, but the sex still isn't fulfilling for me. This isn't something I have kept quiet. He is very aware of this internal issue. He reacts like its my fault for feeling this way. I have recently tried bringing in fun ways to spice up the sex, but its still not working. That basic passion is not there for me.
Well, now I have met someone else that makes me feel that passion. He does not have nearly as much going for him as my fiancee, and we are from different lives. But I have been craving that passion and raw romance. He is everything my fiancee isn't, but that's not necessarily good. My fiancee is an amazing wonderful kind person, which I thought could help me overlook the sex, but he can't seem to get there. This new person and I have not even had sex, but I still feel that passion when we kiss. My fiancee has no clue. I don't like lying to him, but I feel its necessary to discover this person. Ever since I have kissed him, I have showed my fiancee less affection.
I have no idea what to do. I have given so much time to my fiancee and he deserves me to fight for this relationship. Also, he fits perfect with my family. He is everything I ever wanted, but sex is such a big part of the relationship. I feel stuck because the wedding is so close.
Should I continue to keep seeing this new person and hope its infatuation and it will go away or do I stay with my fiancee? I feel like I need to get married and then divorced. That feels like the only option. I need advice. I have no clue how to figure this out on my own.
@yarnrelief,
yarnrelief wrote:I feel stuck because the wedding is so close.
why are you even engaged to someone you aren't sexually compatible with?
end the engagement
sort yourself out
then start dating and find a more compatible life partner
@ehBeth,
I often wonder if anyone will be able to give me want I want though. Everything else about him is perfect though. I love him with all my heart. I wonder if this guy just makes it more prevalent in my mind?
@yarnrelief,
How do you feel about spending the next 20/40/60 years with someone you are not sexually compatible with?
It's not a good way to live.
Does your fiance understand this could be a dealbreaker? what has he done to make sex more interesting/fun/appealing for you? is sex important to him? if not, talk to him about a marriage where you will be free to seek out other sexual partners to fulfill that part of your life.
Have you participated in pre-marital counselling? if not, I recommend doing so and being extremely honest about the lack in your sex life.
@yarnrelief,
yarnrelief wrote: Everything else about him is perfect though.
sex is pretty damned important
___________
If you are not 100% convinced this is the right guy, do not proceed with the wedding at this time.
It is worse to marry the wrong person (with doubts) and divorce shortly thereafter. It is a very emotionally difficult thing to do - harder than breaking up in advance of the wedding.
@yarnrelief,
yarnrelief wrote:
I often wonder if anyone will be able to give me want I want though.
what is it that you want?
other than partnered sex, shouldn't you be able to get most things for yourself?
@ehBeth,
Thinking about the 20 years is exactly why this coming to my head. I have been wanting to go to a counselor, but I'm nervous that he thinks the relationship is a failure.
He doesnt really try to make it interesting. It is usually the same routine. Everytime I mention I might want to try something different, he makes me uncomfortable, unintentionally. The sex isn't always bad, but in the back of my head I am thinking I have had better.
It is hard to disappoint him because he is such an amazing person. I am also freaking out because everything is paid for.
I don't think he quite realizes its a deal breaker. I don't how to bring it up without him thinking its over.
@ehBeth,
I can fulfill myself in life and I have always been independent. I want a life partner. I think the commitment also frightens me. The thought of breaking of the engagement with all the money put into it would cause everyone in my life to be upset.
I don't need out of this world sex, but I want that indescribable passion. My fiancee is passionate for me, but I can't figure out what's missing.
@yarnrelief,
yarnrelief wrote: I am also freaking out because everything is paid for.
I promise you this is a bad reason to go forward with the wedding.
@yarnrelief,
yarnrelief wrote:I have been wanting to go to a counselor, but I'm nervous that he thinks the relationship is a failure.
I don't how to bring it up without him thinking its over.
practice what you're going to say
try it out here
(hopefully a few others will show up here later with some suggestions)
but you need to let him know what's going on
he needs to know there is a possibility that he will not be getting married this summer - and that he needs to take some action if he wants to increase the chances of getting married and staying married
how do you think he would feel if you told him you're only marrying him because of the money that has already been spent - that you'll likely divorce him after the wedding
wouldn't he want a chance to make it work ?
@ehBeth,
Thank you for your sound advice. I know you are right about everything. It is difficult to face the situation. I know he would want a chance and he deserves that.
I suppose I could start by saying I am having issues with our sex life still. There is something missing that I can't describe and being more adventurous isn't necessarily what I need.
I just need the courage.
@ehBeth,
Quote:(hopefully a few others will show up here later with some suggestions)
You're doing a great job - there's nothing to add.
@ossobuco,
Also, that is what engagement is for, figuring if you want to go through with it.
The whole wedding extravaganza business is an economic maneuver.
You are looking at you life. Life can be short, but also be very long.
@yarnrelief,
Come back and talk to us - we can tell you sage stories if that helps
Really - come back - let us know how you're doing.
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