Regret having children?

@aidan,

aidan wrote:

Respite foster carers make themselves available on an as-needed basis. They aren' t the primary carers of the children; they act sort of like babysitters, for example, when the foster carers who care for the children (who often have difficult behaviors or special needs) need a vacation or break.

But they have been vetted and/or received training to deal appropriately with this specific population of children and their specific needs.

This is subject to the approval of the children ?

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@aidan,

New Jersey now has elected a freedom-minded new Governor

I bet your parents will be pleased

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All these posts are very interesting to me. I'm 15 years old and i've had a desire to have kids ever since i turned 13. When i say desire i mean a crippling passion that consumes me at times but i don't just want a baby i want to be a good mother. Which means i'm not gonna be stupid and get pregnant before i find the man who will be my husband and father to my children. I want my own baby so bad but i desire everything included: the pain of childbirth (yes i actually want that) the 9 months of carrying life inside of me, the hard work of feeding them, careing for them, providing for them and most importantly loving them. I know i sound crazy but i don't care. I've thought this through a million times.
Regret having children? I haven't even had any and i know i would never... and i don't understand those who do. So this has been educational. I'm happy for the parents who like their children and i'm sorry for the kids of those parents who must hate their children to regret having them. I say this because if you truly loved them then you never would regret their existence.
What i think is funny is that the guy who made the joke about tic tac toe.. i completely got offended along with the other person, but after hearing your explanation i hold nothing against you. It was simply a misunderstanding. I'm sorry guy who made the joke cuz i wasn't very nice to you in my head and i apologize even though you didn't hear it. Very Happy

Do you people think i'm crazy to want kids so bad when i'm not even 16 yet? If i lived in another time period i could already have 3 by now... oh i wish...

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@mammawannabe,

What else do you want? What other things are you interested in? Plan on going to college? What about a career?

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@eoe,

Quote:

What else do you want? What other things are you interested in? Plan on going to college? What about a career?

are you suggesting that there is something WRONG with having as a major goal settling down with a good man and having children???

Is what was the main dream of women 50 years ago now in your mind the sign of a defective person?

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

Is what was the main dream of women 50 years ago now in your mind the sign of a defective person?

Defective?

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@mammawannabe,

mammawannabe wrote:

All these posts are very interesting to me. I'm 15 years old and i've had a desire to have kids ever since i turned 13. When i say desire i mean a crippling passion that consumes me at times but i don't just want a baby i want to be a good mother. Which means i'm not gonna be stupid and get pregnant before i find the man who will be my husband and father to my children. I want my own baby so bad but i desire everything included: the pain of childbirth (yes i actually want that) the 9 months of carrying life inside of me, the hard work of feeding them, careing for them, providing for them and most importantly loving them. I know i sound crazy but i don't care. I've thought this through a million times.
Regret having children? I haven't even had any and i know i would never... and i don't understand those who do. So this has been educational. I'm happy for the parents who like their children and i'm sorry for the kids of those parents who must hate their children to regret having them. I say this because if you truly loved them then you never would regret their existence.
What i think is funny is that the guy who made the joke about tic tac toe.. i completely got offended along with the other person, but after hearing your explanation i hold nothing against you. It was simply a misunderstanding. I'm sorry guy who made the joke cuz i wasn't very nice to you in my head and i apologize even though you didn't hear it.
Do you people think i'm crazy to want kids so bad when i'm not even 16 yet? If i lived in another time period i could already have 3 by now... oh i wish...

How is your relationship with your own parents ?

David

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

Is what was the main dream of women 50 years ago now in your mind the sign of a defective person?

No, but it is startling when it becomes an obsession.

When I was 15, I felt exactly the same way as her about becoming a scientist. I would cry myself to sleep dreaming about it! People are just dramatic at that age. Still - it is surprising to see such deep devotion.

Do you really think it was their main dream? I find that surprising, especially because so many people nowadays have no desire to have children. At least, no one I went to college with have any desire to have children. People who only graduated high school seem to be popping them out like crazy.

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@hawkeye10,

Also, hawkeye10, I do see something wrong with not looking out for your own future and your children's future enough to care about establishing a career. Life is not always going to be rosy, and you have to plan for a way to support not just yourself, but also the possibility of an incapacitated husband and young children. You also have to plan for a way to cope with things on your own by developing interests beyond one particular desire.

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@courtlove40,

Quote:

I do see something wrong with not looking out for your own future and your children's future enough to care about establishing a career

that is still pretty common, however the way people have been screwed over by their careers vanishing in our economic upheavals makes the idea of finding a good man and raising kids more appealing than it has been in 30 years.

It is a role of the dice for sure, but then devoting time and energy into a career is more of a role of the dice than it has been in generations . Which is the best way to go is highly debatable.

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@hawkeye10,

I regret having said that to you and have deleted it. The reason for your current grasp of grammar, punctuation, and spelling is none of my business.

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To "sozobe" (the user who commented that Parents who regret having kids are usually Junkies, abusers or mentally ill):

You don't having to have a circumstance like depression or drug abuse to regret having children sweetie. You must have a Man or someone else to help take care of you and your child, which is why you can't even entertain the idea of struggling as a Parent. There are PLENTY of Sain, Good Natured , Healthy and Hardworking Parents WHO DON'T USE DRUGS OR ABUSE THEIR KIDS WHO FIND PARENTING TO BE STRESSFUL AND MAY REGRET THEIR DESCISION TO HAVE KIDS......ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE TO PROVIDE AND RAISE THEIR KIDS ALONE. Even in a two parent household your childs bad behavior or your financial circumstance that neither parent had any control over could make the hardest working, sain, good simaritan Parent unhappy. Having Kids and Being a Parent is COMPLETELY UNPREDICTABLE. You may face a time that your 14 YEAR OLD Tells You That They Are About To Be A Mother OR Father OR You May Face A Time That Your Income That You Raise Your Child With Is Gone For Some Reason....I PROMISE You Won't Be SO SELF RIGHTEOUS When Something That Serious Happens to You and Your Children! I Pray To God That This Never Happens to Your Child, but I PROMISE YOU, LIFE'S TRADGEDIES CAN HAPPEN TO YOUR CHILDREN AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WILL REACT TO THE STRESS. NONE OF US DO. STOP JUDGING THINGS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE ABOUT AND REALIZE THAT PARENTING IS NOT ALWAYS A JOY FOR EVEN EVERY GOOD PARENT. YES I SAID GOOD PARENT. YOU CAN BE A GOOD PARENT AND HAVE REGRETS ABOUT BEING A PARENT WITHOUT BEING A MENTALLY ILL JUNKIE WHO WAS ABUSED OR ABUSES YOUR KIDS. STOP GENERALIZING!!! GOD MAY TEST YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU HAVE THINGS FIGURED OUT. BE CAREFU!

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Um, hi!

I went back to find my post from six years ago to see what you're responding to... this part seems to be it:

sozobe wrote:

So I ask a lot of people about what they think about having a second child -- it's a rare and extreme circumstance to find someone who says they regret it, and when that happens there have usually been other major problems going on. (Depression, abuse, substance abuse, whatever). With most people you can read between the lines about how exhausted they were, if it's a good friend they may open up about how they felt they cheated the second child because they had to pay so much attention to the first, etc., but they won't say "I regret it", because that's wishing away their child. Parents almost never wish away their children, no matter how difficult parenthood may be.

That's very different from what you seem to be responding to. For one thing, this was about having a second child.

Secondly, I'm acknowledging that parenthood can be (and often is) very difficult. I was talking about what people will SAY to another person, not what they THINK.

I also said that when they do say so, in my experience of talking to people, there were usually (not always, just usually) other major issues.

I'm sure many good parents have moments of regretting that they've had children. I don't think the regret, itself, means much in terms of the quality of their parenting.

I also wrapped it up in this way:

Quote:

BUT -- and this is big -- that does not translate to saying all people should have kids. Which brings me back to my original question. If you are asking in any way to figure out whether YOU should have kids, it's just too individual of a decision. I adore it, and adoring it I recommend it highly, but I know it's not for everyone.

I'm not judging anyone here.

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I think asking this question is the most Responsible thing a person can do before deciding to have kids. There are a lot of kids AND parents that would be better off if adults had truly asked themselves this queston Before having kids. I wish I had spoken with a parent who was unhappy raising kids, so that I would get both sides of the Parent Experience. Everyone who regrets being a parent seems to feel ashamed to admit that the are unappy and that they regret their descicion. It doesn't make a person a bad Parent to admitt their Regrets to a counselor or close friend. LET'S BE REAL WITH ONE ANOTHER SO THAT THE NEXT PERSON WILL SEE BOTH SIDES OF BEING A PARENT. When we ask our friends if they regret having kids...they Pretend that everything is Roses. There is no shame in regreting any descision you have made in your life, as long as you learn from it. I wish someone had been honest with me about how miserable it can be for even the most well intentioned Parent to raise children. It'a a tough job that never, EVER ends.I love my kids but I DO regret having them. Perhaps I would feel differently if both Of My Ex-Husbands hadn't abandoned us, but the truth is being a single Mother Sucks; especially if you are NOT receiving child support. I was very young when I got married both times and for my own sake, I should have asked myself how I would take care of my kids if my Husbands were to abandon my children and I. Even if I HAD help raising my Kids I would still rather not have kids in the first place. A MOTHER REGRETING THEIR DESCISION TO HAVE KIDS DOESN'T MAKE HER A BAD PARENT. IF YOU WORK HARD AT BEING A GOOD PARENT, THERE MAY DEFINATELY BE SOME STRESSFUL TIMES THAT YOU QUESTION YOUR DESCISION TO HAVE KIDS IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE TRICK IS TO NEVER EVER TELL YOUR KIDS THAT PIECE OF INFO. SO THAT THEY DON'T FEEL UNWANTED. I'M SURE NO ONE ON THIS FORUM WOULD EVER DO THAT. I think even good Mothers feel guilty about admitting that raising Kids (especially alone) can be extremely stressful and unhappy.The Mothers that I know won't admit that they are unahppy because they feel that there is nothing they can do about it after having kids anyway. They don't realize that there are resources out there that can at least make parenting and even single parenting a little easier. Things like 24hr child care centers in certain cities have been helpful to me. Also government assistance to help pay for childcare can relieve some of the
financial burden. While these resources aren't a time machine that can give Mothers the chance to reconsider having kids before they act, they do provide help for caring for our children in a way that our mothers may not have had in the 80's and 90's. In America there is a way to be a Great Single Parent and Still Have a fulfilling personal life and career. Things like
the Pell Grant also help us pay for college, so keep that in mind. It is Not easy, but there is still hope for having a life as well as being a parent. I used to think my life was over as a single parent (as a Parent period), but I still have hope of accomplishing my dreams even with kids. I have seen it done. It's just harder to do as a single Mom.

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YES I REGRET IT. I LOVED MY KIDS, I REALLY DID. 3 BOYS. I GRIEVE THEIR LOSS. THE OLDER TWO HAVE AUTISM. DROVE ME TO EXTREME STRESS AND MENTAL BREAKDOWN. I MOSTLY RECOVERED, BUT CANT CARE FOR THEM, NOT EVEN THE YOUNGEST. YES I REGRET HAVING THEM, THEY WERE ONLY BORN TO MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE AND BREAK MY HEART. I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYONE ANYMORE.

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@tcis,

I'm a SINGLE mom of 2. I never dreamed I'd be in this position, as a child growing up this would NEVER have been on my wishlist.. but "so is life". That said, there are many days/moments when I feel resentful of my current state & I long for what "could have been". It is without a doubt the HARDEST thing I'll EVER do, but I realize that it is a DOUBLE-EDGED sword. As difficult and downright painful as it is at times, it is also very fulfilling (IN BETWEEN all the grudging & highly irritating moments, that make me roll my eyes & shake my fist at the heavens). At the end of the day, I inventory my blessings & try remain grateful b/c there are many who are out there shelling out thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to attain what I have. You just have to take a deep breath in the morning (& several more throughout the day }:-/), exhale SLOWLY & say "God help me" (at least that's what I do); don't try to be perfect b/c You'll fail EVERY TIME; try to do your best but DO cut yourself some slack.. It's DAMN HARD, & sometimes even seems impossible.. but it can & MUST be done (after all the kids didn't ASK 2 b born). 1 thing that has helped me tremendously is knowing (& psychologists & M.D.'s agree) it is NORMAL for parents 2 feel resentful of their children at times & 2 long for their 'Life back", try your very best not to project it 2 the children as this will negatively affect their psyche & self esteem; & free up some "me time" (even if u have 2 fight 4 it tooth & nail, it is NECESSARY 4 keeping ur sanity). Lastly if u haven't "jumped ship" as many do, then more likely than not u ARE doing ur best, & therefore doing ur job as a parent.. REMEMBER THAT. Cut yourself a break, keep doing what your doing.. & GOOD LUCK ;-P))). Hope this helps

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I am a mom of two children.
A birth is a magnificent event. You give life.
Now I have 56 years and now, I am sure that children gave meaning to my life.

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@onyxelle,

"Even when you have to spank them." Hmmm, so spanking them is a necessity and not a choice. So since corporal punishment is a form of behavioural modification (the good kind apparently) and leads to better conduct are your kids then allowed to hit you when you **** up? Oh I see, it is a one way street with might being right. And I suppose that, between corrective spankings, you hypocritically tell your kids that violence solves nothing. I wonder how your kids are going to raise their kids? Hmmm? I wonder why our world is sooooo violent. It might have something to do with tradition, no?

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@keen4cool,

keen4cool wrote:

"Even when you have to spank them." Hmmm, so spanking them is a necessity and not a choice. So since corporal punishment is a form of behavioural modification (the good kind apparently) and leads to better conduct are your kids then allowed to hit you when you **** up?
Oh I see, it is a one way street with might being right.

That 's a BRILLIANT counter-argument! I LOVE it!

David

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No, I love all of my children and couldn't envision life without them, sometimes I get drained and need a break, so I can recharge.

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Regret having children?

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