Regret having children?

@aidan,

aidan wrote:

Or you could get kids like this: real cuties who make you laugh most day and cry some days- but who would never kill you - hell, I have to kill the spiders in Olivia's room all the time because she's afraid of them and hates them but won't kill them. She probably sees a spider on the wall right off camera and that's what she's looking at with such fear

I stuck a picture with me in it - so I could say hi to you David - welcome back from your trip- hope it was wonderful and glad to see you back safely.

But this brings up an interesting question I just had in fact, in your story there were two brothers, raised in the same home in the same way by the same people. But only one brother wanted to kill the family for the dough.
Why? Do you think it's something innate in these people? I almost hate to even suggest that, but that's what it seems like sometimes when you read the stories.
The reason I thought about it is that I was watching a movie about Ted Bundy last night and it really did a good job of laying the psychological groundwork in terms of his background, etc....but I just didn't see anything that out of the ordinary that would explain his later behavior. And then I started wondering if there'd ever been studies done about the siblings of serial killers...people raised in identical circumstances who reacted differently to their environmental realities....

Anyway - this all does relate to this topic in that if you're someone who wants a sure thing - don't have kids. There are no sure or guaranteed outcomes. Some people can deal with that and others can't.

Thank u, Rebecca. Thanks for the picture.
I enjoyed both the convention and my first 2 trips to the San Diego Zoo,
except when I crashed into a doorframe in an aviary.

As u implicitly recognize, we shoud
not risk more than we r willing to lose (like getting killed).
I lack enuf information to judge the nature-nurture aspects
of this murderer. [In contrast, the murderer of Rebecca Shaffer
looks very dangerous; his face makes u want to reach for your gun.]
The TV show was insufficiently indicative, but it showed pictures
of the murderer in the early years of his life.
He looked happy, cheerful, n non-threatening.
He was around 23 when he arranged to kill his parents and brother.

Correcting my earlier post: his FATHER survived,
and his brother was killed, along with his mother.

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@OmSigDAVID,

OmSigDAVID wrote:

I am truely THRILLED that I have no children.
That fact brings me happiness.
No fights, no complaints, no demands, no threats, no bills;
I just have endless contentment, aplomb, euphoria, bliss & freedom.

I need not be concerned qua anyone getting admitted to college,
nor concerned qua financing such education, nor bailing anyone out of jail.

I know that no matter what else may go rong,
I can never fall victim to patricide,
nor is anyone financially motivated to accelerate my demise.
David

I truly agree with each and every word.

Not having children brings me much happiness

Yes, it is a very good thing I never had children.
Not just for me, but for them.

I would never have risked having a child on the possibility I could end up with cuties that I couldn't imagine being without. Not when I know the possibility would have been near 100% that I would have resented them and caused them to become people that weren't happy in life.

I'm glad I didn't pay attention to people who said "oh, I didn't want children either, but when I had little Billie......"

That's such a meaningless statement. Many times I wondered if they were trying to convince me, or themselves.

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I have never for a single moment of my life had the urge to have children - puppies maybe, but never children . I just don't have the Mommy Gene. My nieces lived with me for awhile while their mother was recovering from a serious illness, but that was about as close to motherhood as I care to venture. I admire good parents. I'm glad some smart, patient people want to do the job and do it well. Their children are blessed. The world is a better place because of such families. I just wish various irresponsible idiots would figure out that birth control works when properly used. I also wish that the freedom to choose or reject motherhood was available to every woman in the world. I am grateful that I live in a time and place that I have such a choice.

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Wow!

3 non breeders in a row, happy with their lives.
Pretty cool.

ok ok ok, a few days ago someone said something where I had to bite my tongue not to laugh, because I had once said the exact opposite.

Someone I know daughter in law just had a baby on Friday. Her son had a kid from a previous marriage and he and DIL adopted a kid about 8 or 9 years old, as neither one of them have much interest in babies. The son had gotten a girl preggers when he was in his teens, married her, divorced just as quickly, and got the baby every other weekend. He would just hand the baby off to his mother, as he came right out and said babies didn't interest him. When baby became a kid, he got very involved, and became the domicile parent. He was around 10 when they adopted the 8 or 9 year old.
As what ususally happens, DIL got pregnant as soon as the adoption was final.
Son is a mature man now, and will be a good father, but who knows if babies interest him an more than before?
Anyway new grandmother and I were discussing how DIL had to have the labor induced, and how rough that was on the mom. NG said her first kid was induced, and ending up having a c-section, 2nd kid they went right to the c-section. She said she much perferred going right for the c-section, because "even though it hurts for longer afterwards, you don't think about it, because you're busy w/ the baby. You might notice a little, but think Hey, look what I got out of it, a baby!"

That's the part that made me want to chuckle, as I've said "so you go through all that pain, and what do you end up with? A baby." Neutral

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Well, I have two kids and love 'em both, obviously, but if I knew then what I know now about myself, I wouldn't have done it.

One thing I really don't like is that I feel obligated to them a lot (like feeling I should go and visit my daughter, etc), still, even now they're both adults, and I'm really working on not feeling that way and doing more what I want to do. It's more conditioning (learned behaviour) than intrinsic with me - I think I should do this or that for them, you know? So, as I get better at this, and I am getting better at separating obligation from wants, I might feel differently.

I don't have any expectations of my kids and that is also really liberating. I've told them not to bother getting me anything for Mother's Day, birthdays and Christmas years ago (who needs more stuff??), so they call, which is always nice. And they don't want much from me, either, thank heavens.

Upon reading all that, it sounds like it's a rather cold relationship I've got going with them but it isn't. Just more honest. We connect when we want to, not when we think we should. Does anyone understand what I'm talking about here?

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@Mame,

Mame

I find your post very honest and refreshing.

My husband loves his daughter, but it wasn't his decision to have her. As he says "once a woman decides to get pregnant, the man can't do anything about it"

Would he have been just as happy without a child?

Sure, why not?

Sometimes, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Reminds me of all the people who've more or less said to me over the years "You should have a baby because when you do you'll want it"

What a crock, subjecting me to the fate what happened to them, or what they want to happen, period.

You know what really annoys the hell out of me?

When people bug their sons and daughters about having grandchildren.

back off dude. sorry you want something snuggly to hold, but pressure is not cool.

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@chai2,

Chai, u have very logical and rational thawt processes; admirable.
U r a good analyst.

U mentioned your husband.
I remember your having described a rather extreme state of affairs
concerning his health, some months ago, when u drove him to the hospital.

How IS he ?

David

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I'm a mother. I have one child, a son. He is 26 years old. I never regretted having him. Raising him was not difficult in any manner. My only regret is that he is an only child. If I could go back and do things over, I would have had more children.

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Something else, in the back of my mind,
qua the wisdom of having children, is the unexpected use of illegal drugs.

Regardless of the fact that I am a pacifist as to the War on Drugs,
major problems can arise, and have already arisen to kids who have
become involved with drugs and their parents, in whose houses the kids live.
We have seen time and again, on TV, police raids on houses
of kids in possession of illegal drugs, in some cases illegally selling them.
That can cause BIG problems.

More broadly: general health concerns of progeny have been very troublesome
to some unfortunate parents. This is another class of unpleasantness
that does not rear its ugly head in the lives of people who have no children.

David

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@OmSigDAVID,

OmSigDAVID wrote:

U mentioned your husband.
I remember your having described a rather extreme state of affairs
concerning his health, some months ago, when u drove him to the hospital.

How IS he ?

David

Thanks for asking.

He is actually doing much better now.

I'm not under that constant stress now.
We both have much more quality of life.

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@Debra Law,

Ack. Now that's what I worry about. (I see my earlier post on this thread was about the same thing -- at the time I wasn't sure if we'd have another, now I'm sure.)

As I'm sure is sickeningly evident, I am so happy to be a parent and so enjoy my daughter. No regrets at all. But also as I said in my earlier post, I don't extrapolate from that much -- the fact that *I* love it so much doesn't mean I think everyone should have a kid. It sounds like chai, Green Witch, omsigdavid et al made the right choices for them.

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

OmSigDAVID wrote:

U mentioned your husband.
I remember your having described a rather extreme state of affairs
concerning his health, some months ago, when u drove him to the hospital.

How IS he ?

David

Thanks for asking.

He is actually doing much better now.

I'm not under that constant stress now.
We both have much more quality of life.

Congratulations on his improvement.
I remember that u were concerned that he might not be able
to return from the hospital.

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@CalamityJane,

Moron? You know, it's a good thing your opinion is less important to me than bug feces or I might be offended. Do the world a favor and commit suicide at the earliest possible convenience. Cheers.

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@Glurk,

Quote:

You know, it's a good thing your opinion is less important to me than bug feces or I might be offended. Do the world a favor and commit suicide at the earliest possible convenience.

Hey! Don't hold back! Tell us how you really feel!

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@panzade,

That's his m.o. panzade. He calls his children "disgusting little creatures, so I put them up for adoption " but at the same token he's too stupid to use a
contraceptive. Is there a superlative to moron?

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I never had a biological child and it has and will probably always be one of the biggest regrets of my life.

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@eoe,

U 've had no pain of childbirth.

I 've heard that can hurt.

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@OmSigDAVID,

Yeah - it hurts like a mother - maybe that's where that term came from.

My biggest regret is that I didn't adopt another child. I thought about it and thought about it, but then I got jobs that I liked and I just never did it. But I do plan, when I'm a little older and maybe have more time to commit, to do respite foster care and who knows maybe that'll lead to another adoption (of an older child - if I don't wait too long).

My daughter's foster mother who cared for her out of the hospital until we adopted her at four months old was in her fifties and the wife of a retired executive. Their only son, who had been about nineteen had died in a car accident. She started doing foster care for babies until they were adopted. She was so good at it and obviously enjoyed it and the children so much, I asked her why she didn't adopt one of the babies herself. She said she felt too old, but lo and behold a couple of years later she ended up adopting a brother and sister who she cared for and for whom they couldn't find adoptive parents -they were school-age children. They're in their teens now - and lovely - she sends me updates and pictures every Christmas.

1 Reply

@aidan,

What is "respite foster care" ?

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@OmSigDAVID,

Respite foster carers make themselves available on an as-needed basis. They aren' t the primary carers of the children; they act sort of like babysitters, for example, when the foster carers who care for the children (who often have difficult behaviors or special needs) need a vacation or break.

But they have been vetted and/or received training to deal appropriately with this specific population of children and their specific needs.

2 Replies

Regret having children?

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