Sun 1 Feb, 2015 07:01 pm
I'm in middle school and me and my best friend have been close for about 2 years. Lately we've been exploring sexual orientation, and I am homo-flexible and she is hetero-flexible (basically bi and bi-curious). I've noticed I had affection for her about two weeks ago, and I haven't told her. We get into these tight hugs and sometimes we just sit close together, not moving. I find I can't stop smiling when I look at her, even when I try to be serious; when she walks in I either laugh or smile. And I've seen that she blushes around me, sometimes. I've told one of my other friends about my affection for her, and she reacted in a "oh, that makes sense" way. I honestly didn't think it was that obvious. I tried to tell her over text, then decided otherwise and she's been pestering me, asking what I was going to tell her. I can't bring myself to confess my affection for her, I don't know how to start. I've thought about making it obvious with a kiss, but I'm too shy to kiss her. I'm also worried about school; would I get made fun of or picked on? That's why I don't want to tell her in school, in case there's a possibility I can keep it from getting to the public. We've lately been on the same wavelength, so much so that it gets kind of scary. I'm angry at myself for liking getting her into corners, or making her scared. I'm trying to cut down on my sadism and trying to clean my slate. It doesn't seem to get to her, though I don't want to push it to the point that it does. I think (and hope) that she likes me too, and apparently it's obvious to our other friends. I've been having fantasies that I wish I didn't have, and sometimes I feel desperate to kiss someone. My feelings are starting to scare me, and I don't know whether to express affection for my best friend or not. How should I tell her, or should I just stay in the closet?
Here's the deal.
Regardless of gender, age, or orientation, confessions of affection will change things between two friends. For better? Maybe. For worse? Maybe. For awkwardness? Maybe that, too.
You will need to do a bit of a cost-benefit analysis. What's the risk? What's the reward? Which one weighs more - the cost of never telling, or the reward of being together (and probably not forever and ever - you're in middle school. The chances are not good, sorry).
If I were you I would:
- Stop involving other friends. This is a two-person deal. Stop talking to your other pals about this, particularly as you don't want it to get out around your school. By telling others, you are practically guaranteeing that that is exactly what'll happen.
- Cultivate other friendships. It may be that you feel this way because this gal is a big deal in your life. If she was a smaller deal in your life, maybe your feelings wouldn't be quite so intense.
- Consider talking to her. Not directly about your feelings, but more like friends. You're best friends, right? So you should be able to talk a bit about growing up, and how you think it's going, and what you feel your lives are going to be like. You may find she's not as bi-curious as you hope she is. Or maybe she's dying to tell you that she wants to be with you. Either way, keeping the lines of communication open will help you.
And hang in there. This is a difficult time for everyone - even for the popular kids in your school. But it really does get better.
I'm angry at myself for liking getting her into corners, or making her scared. I'm trying to cut down on my sadism and trying to clean my slate.
Maybe you could start by apologizing for whatever you've done? You might be able to use that as a lead-in for confessing your feelings.
That said, jespah's ideas are right on target, I think.
Middle schoolers have it quite difficult. They're pre-teenagers and very young teens, their bodies change and their sexuality is not yet defined. You'll go through all kinds of different emotions and try to explore different possibilities. Sexual orientations aren't always defined clearly either at that age, so don't take it as personal affront if your friend is also unclear about her own sexuality. Foremost be a friend and see where this leads to.
People's sexuality develops at different rates. While it sounds like you're ready to begin exploration, assuming that of another 'middle school' aged person isn't a good idea so I'd advise caution. After going to war, sex is the 2nd easiest way to really screw someone up psychologically. Rushing people into it before they're naturally ready for such things can mess them up for life. So my advice is what my Mom's was to me way back, masturbate. Satisfy your needs yoruself. Don't look at others as a means to your own end, they may not have thta same level of need as you do.
If she's ready for you and for things to get physical, she'll let you know.