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My girlfriend is upset with me for not wanting to have sex

 
 
Reply Fri 16 Jan, 2015 08:21 pm
I am in a Lesbian relationship, is that the politically correct way to say it?I don't know. When my girlfriend and I first got together I told her, I don't like sex. I want to be an a relationship with someone without sex. She told me she felt the same way so, obviously I thought she wouldn't press the issue. Moving on, she and I were at our friend's house for a party. After about two hours and several beers, she started hanging all over me, kissing me and just in general being inappropriate. I pulled her out of the room to clarify that PDA is not ok with me. I remember exactly what she said to me. "I know you're cheating on me. I see the way you flirt with other people. Are you having sex with them? I'll bet you are. Am I not attractive enough? Is that why you won't jump in bed with me? No one hates sex so you're either a liar or a freak of nature." After she had finished her speech I felt kind of bad (although, mind you I was not and am not cheating) So of course I said sorry and that I hadn't known she was so upset with me. Then she started to "feel me up", I think that is the correct slang. I pushed her away and said "This is neither the time or place. Let's go back out and we can talk about this later." As I started walking away she grabbed my wrist, pressed me against a wall, slapped me and said "Why are you such a prude?" I didn't really have a response so we just returned to the party.

My dilemma here is trying to justify her actions. She was a bit drunk. I had upset her by being negligent of her feelings. After all that I rejected her when she tried to be affectionate.

My questions: How do I fix this? We're both girls and girls slap each other all the time while fighting. I could have slapped her back if I'd wanted to, so I'm assuming that's all fine. I don't know what to do about the whole sex thing though. I don't want her to feel like I'm not attracted to her or that I don't want her but I really don't want to have sex either. Should I just have sex with her anyway? If anyone can propose a solution I would appreciate it! Thanks for reading.
 
Lavacake
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2015 09:21 am
@Jesicca333,
You clarified to her at the beginning of your relationship that you didn’t desire sex, and she agreed to that, so her behaviour right now drunk or not isn’t acceptable. Even if you hadn’t clarified that, you are still within your rights to do with your own body what you want. A relationship is all about COMMUNICATION. The fact that this is doing out when she’s drunk means she’s most liking been holding this back. What you should do is sit down when your both sober and calm and ask her how she feels about the relationship, and about sex, and then tell her again how you feel. You should not feel guilty about not wanting to do something or not liking something, and you are most certainly not a freak of nature or a prude, and if she feels that you are then she doesn’t understand you. No matter what it is your choice to have sex with her or not. She has to work out weather or not she can handle that or weather it is a deal breaker. Because I’m assuming you love and are attracted to this girl, so let her know that you not wanting sex does not change either of those things. Again, it is all about communication.
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jespah
 
  3  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2015 10:31 am
@Jesicca333,
I realize that this is an older post, but if this response can help anyone in the future, I'm putting it out there.

Jesicca333 wrote:

I am in a Lesbian relationship, is that the politically correct way to say it?I don't know. When my girlfriend and I first got together I told her, I don't like sex. I want to be an a relationship with someone without sex. She told me she felt the same way so, obviously I thought she wouldn't press the issue.


Good for you for getting it out there, up front, what you wanted.

Jesicca333 wrote:
Moving on, she and I were at our friend's house for a party. After about two hours and several beers, she started hanging all over me, kissing me and just in general being inappropriate. I pulled her out of the room to clarify that PDA is not ok with me.


Again, good, you stood up for yourself.

Jesicca333 wrote:
I remember exactly what she said to me. "I know you're cheating on me. I see the way you flirt with other people. Are you having sex with them? I'll bet you are. Am I not attractive enough? Is that why you won't jump in bed with me? No one hates sex so you're either a liar or a freak of nature."


Hence it is now open that she was lying when she said she wanted a sexless relationship. BTW, people who aren't interested in sex are generally called asexual. You are far from alone.

Jesicca333 wrote:
After she had finished her speech I felt kind of bad (although, mind you I was not and am not cheating) So of course I said sorry and that I hadn't known she was so upset with me.


There's your first mistake. If you aren't interested in sex, and you made that clear from Day One, then what have you got to be sorry about? You've just been yelled at for being who you are. That did not call from an apology on your part.

Jesicca333 wrote:
Then she started to "feel me up", I think that is the correct slang. I pushed her away and said "This is neither the time or place. Let's go back out and we can talk about this later."


Again, you asserted yourself. You didn't want to, you weren't at home, and you were essentially in the middle of a fight. She used your apology as a go-ahead to feel you up (yeah, that's the term for it).

Jesicca333 wrote:
As I started walking away she grabbed my wrist, pressed me against a wall, slapped me and said "Why are you such a prude?" I didn't really have a response so we just returned to the party.


You don't have to answer that, and you don't have to take it. This is generally the time that you make arrangements for someone else to get her home and tell her you're leaving. And if you aren't, then be prepared for it to escalate.

Jesicca333 wrote:
My dilemma here is trying to justify her actions.


This is not your job. There is no justification for her hitting you. Period.

Jesicca333 wrote:
She was a bit drunk.


That doesn't matter. She should not have assaulted your person.

Jesicca333 wrote:
I had upset her by being negligent of her feelings.


That still doesn't justify her actions. She pushed you and was nasty and hit you. It doesn't matter who started it.

Jesicca333 wrote:
After all that I rejected her when she tried to be affectionate.


No, you told her it was neither the time nor the place and you told her it was inappropriate. You are entitled to personal autonomy.

BTW, she was not being affectionate. She was marking her territory.

Jesicca333 wrote:
My questions: How do I fix this?


Countless nonprofessionals have tried to 'fix' abusers. They think if they'll spend less money, not burn dinner, be more affectionate, have a child, disavow their parents and friends, dress sexily, dress modestly, quit work, make more money, or a thousand other often contradictory things that the **** will stop.

It won't. You are not responsible for 'fixing' her or your relationship, such as it is.

Jesicca333 wrote:
We're both girls and girls slap each other all the time while fighting.


Bullshit.

Jesicca333 wrote:
I could have slapped her back if I'd wanted to, so I'm assuming that's all fine.


That doesn't magically turn it 'fine'. That just means you're surrendering.

Jesicca333 wrote:
I don't know what to do about the whole sex thing though. I don't want her to feel like I'm not attracted to her or that I don't want her but I really don't want to have sex either. Should I just have sex with her anyway? If anyone can propose a solution I would appreciate it! Thanks for reading.


If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Simple as that. Those are your terms, and you have always been upfront and honest about them. If she pressures you to have sex, then she is not the right woman for you.

Consider what things would be like if this was a guy. Or if you heard a friend asking similar questions. Would you tell them to get on their back or their knees and just take it like a good little wife?

Or would you tell them to get out of a bad situation that has the potential to get far, far worse?

I urge you to tell your parents, friends, and family what is going on, and seek local help, or at least the National Network to End Domestic Violence.

This is your life we are talking about here. Not only whether she can hit you so hard as to potentially end it or damage you permanently, but also your happiness.

Don't stay with someone who doesn't respect your personal autonomy.
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