Love Story?

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Over 2 ½ years ago I began talking to a guy at work. We are complete polar opposites but quickly became attracted to one another. We began talking frequently at work, long email exchanges, and evening and weekend texts. The emotional and physical attraction was obvious and we flirted heavily and lingered longer than we should. We then began to spend as much time as possible together at work. We would have daily lunch together and occasionally ride to and from work together. We quickly developed a non-physical office romance. This continued for a few months and one afternoon at lunch, we both admitted to having pretty strong feelings for each other. We knew immediately it was wrong, and we had let ourselves travel too far down this path. We were both married, and aside from this brief office fling, were both quite happy in our relationships at home. Neither of us were looking for or interested in an affair, we both just sort of ending up falling for the other. We determined it was a lapse of better judgment and swore to end things, even as relatively innocent as they still were. Our heated fling ended, as we had promised, and our friendship sort of fizzled. We kept our distance, neither of us wanted to get real close to the other for fear of re-sparking that fire that we found in each other. We still occasionally talked and maintained appearances as co-workers but there was no more conversation than needed.
Fast forward over a year. My husband and I have split and are in the middle of finalizing our divorce. We separated on agreeable terms and it had nothing to do with flings or affairs, it was simply an agreement of not being at the same place in life. My co-workers wife, unexpectedly and tragically passed away a few months ago. We have since become the most unlikely of friends. It is still not a romantic relationship by any means, as neither of us is in any state to go down that road. We are mature and neither of us is impulsive.
But I still feel like those feelings could resurface and I occasionally see a glimpse of them. I feel guilty that we originally had those feeling when we were in situations where we shouldn’t have. And I feel awkward that having those feelings may someday be ok, given the tragic story behind how we got here. I'm not really sure if I'm asking a question… i more just having to tell someone. No friend, family member, or coworker on either side had any idea of our brief emotional fling. And quite honestly, no one really knows the extent of our friendship. Thoughts???

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 1,170 • Replies: 13

[+3] - Linkat - 01/23/2015I'll just give you my take after reading just your first post. My gut tells me you want someone to speak to your guilt of your initial relationship. And possibly you feeling potentially guilty in...

@firefly2842,

firefly2842 wrote:

Over 2 ½ years ago I began talking to a guy at work. We are complete polar opposites but quickly became attracted to one another. We began talking frequently at work, long email exchanges, and evening and weekend texts. The emotional and physical attraction was obvious and we flirted heavily and lingered longer than we should. We then began to spend as much time as possible together at work. We would have daily lunch together and occasionally ride to and from work together. We quickly developed a non-physical office romance. This continued for a few months and one afternoon at lunch, we both admitted to having pretty strong feelings for each other. We knew immediately it was wrong, and we had let ourselves travel too far down this path. We were both married, and aside from this brief office fling, were both quite happy in our relationships at home. Neither of us were looking for or interested in an affair, we both just sort of ending up falling for the other. We determined it was a lapse of better judgment and swore to end things, even as relatively innocent as they still were. Our heated fling ended, as we had promised, and our friendship sort of fizzled. We kept our distance, neither of us wanted to get real close to the other for fear of re-sparking that fire that we found in each other. We still occasionally talked and maintained appearances as co-workers but there was no more conversation than needed.
Fast forward over a year. My husband and I have split and are in the middle of finalizing our divorce. We separated on agreeable terms and it had nothing to do with flings or affairs, it was simply an agreement of not being at the same place in life. My co-workers wife, unexpectedly and tragically passed away a few months ago. We have since become the most unlikely of friends. It is still not a romantic relationship by any means, as neither of us is in any state to go down that road. We are mature and neither of us is impulsive.
But I still feel like those feelings could resurface and I occasionally see a glimpse of them. I feel guilty that we originally had those feeling when we were in situations where we shouldn’t have. And I feel awkward that having those feelings may someday be ok, given the tragic story behind how we got here. I'm not really sure if I'm asking a question… i more just having to tell someone. No friend, family member, or coworker on either side had any idea of our brief emotional fling. And quite honestly, no one really knows the extent of our friendship. Thoughts???

One thing that caught my attention was that you said while you were having these innocent moments with your co-worker you were in a happy marriage but come a year later you are getting divorced? I find it hard to believe that you were happy and then a year later not. It is probably more realistic that there were already problems but perhaps you were either ignoring them or they weren't at the extent where it was damaging the relationship. I bet they were there though.

The reason I mention this is due to your draw to your co-worker. A really happy person in a marriage wouldn't be drawn towards a co-worker. This person was probably providing something your husband wasn't and that lured you into it.

But then again, I am not a proponent of monogamous relationships. We change so much and nothing in our lives ever stays static so why would we expect to have static relationships?

I don't think there is anything wrong with pursuing a relationship with your co-worker. Perhaps it might be a bit too soon given the situation but you obviously have a connection and it could be a healthy connection for both of you.

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@firefly2842,

Fairy Tales have happy endings and we as children remember all too well the Prince, the Princess and happy endings and so no matter how old we are in life, we'd like to believe that exists, is real.

I say this because you are looking at your pending Divorce and him being a Widow as "meant to be", I think. But no one really knows that, it develops firstly as part of a "dream".

Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason. Perhaps this man came into your life to show you what "being together" without sexual contact and enjoying that company over and over, each time, was the lesson, reason and you perhaps sub-consciously realised the man you were with couldn't give you that.

Perhaps this guy is the "dream" guy and the end becomes a fairy tale. Who knows.

At this point in time, there should be no guilt as you state it's amicable in-other-words your Husband also feels that it wasn't to be.

But also at this point, this co-worker trusts you, he had an emotional affair with you, perhaps needs someone to talk to, lean on a bit but in addition, he would be hurting, in pain. Death is a horrible thing.

Be his "friend" at this point in time and only his friend. Don't look into things.

Let him grieve.

Most good friends remain so for life, or go on as being one person, yet two.

What ever will be will be.

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It doesn't matter why she got divorced, Krumple, or if she was happy before or not. It's snow from yesterday!
---

Well, I don't think there is a love story in the making. You both are vulnerable right now, he more so than you I guess and you both need someone to lean on and who can get you over the first hurdle of hurt, being alone and trying to cope. There is nothing wrong with it, but mostly these kind of rebound relationships don't last. You both will emerge stronger from this set back and you both will want a relationship that doesn't have any history attached that you currently share.

In essence, you both help each other to regain your life, once you have it, you'll look for other options.

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Don't look back. You both are not the same people you were before.

Give this man some time to grieve. He's in no shape to take on a GF or even a female friend.

You, too, need some time to sort out what happened with your marriage and discover why you don't want to make the same mistake.

Then, and only then, should you turn around and look at each other again.

1 Reply

@Krumple,

There were likly underlying issues in both of our marriages that lead us to spending any amount of time together or developing any sort of feelings.

i agree it is way too soon. and a relationship isnt even what i was thinking about at this point. we both know its too soon and we have good heads about us. we are not ones to get carried away and have not put ourselves in a position where that could happen. i am happy being his support and he mine. we talk a lot about the partners that we lost. we both experienced loss, his obviously much greater than mine but i was more putting this out there so i could tell someone and reassure myself this is an ok friendship to continue.

thank you for your thoughts!

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@FOUND SOUL,

Thank you! your reply has been helpful. im not looking for a fairy tale. those dont exist. i know that, i have lived enough to know happy endings ususally are not real. and i certainly dont think these circumstances can be twisted into some "meant to be" idea.

i only want to be his friend and am certainly not looking into it for more. i just had a lot of guilt about how we were before any of this happened. perhaps i almost felt like this bad stuff happened to us because we did something bad. im not sure. i just wanted to hear others thoughts on if it was ok for us to really be friends. can you go from being friends to and emotional affair and then back to friends? some people dont beleive men and woman can be just friends. it feels good to get this out there and get others thoughts.

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@CalamityJane,

im not really looking for a love story. and im not sure i would call it a rebound relationship. we are truly just friends.

i have known other people who have been drawn to eachother during grief and their relationships have turned out just fine.

i have 2 seperate couples who found their spouses cheating on them. the ones being cheated on ended up being a support system for eachother and ended up together. both couples have lasted longer than their cheating spouses. while this isnt alway the case and i wont be suprised if we never "end up together"... it does happen.

but you are likly correct, this will create a special friendship but we may both decide that our brief emotional affair was what it was and we may look for other people.

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@firefly2842,

Hopefully you end up together and be happily ever after.
One question: what was in those
' long email exchanges, and evening and weekend texts'?
Just curious.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

i agree with the no GF...however, i strongly disagree with no female friend. i hate the perception that men and woman cant be just friends.

i am happy to give him his space and understand that is what he needs. we both need to learn to make it on our own, i agree.

i pretty much know how to not make the same mistake in a marriage again and truthfully have no interest in getting married again. i married the first time due to pressure from family, time, and the need for stability. we knew not long into it we were not going to be together forever. we loved some of the same things, traveled well, and supported eachother in building our carreers. we were, however, never really IN love. we learned to love eachother over the years, as we were best friends, but we had no chemistry or connection. we knew we would spend our 20 and early 30's together traveling the world and living life. but when the time came to find a life partner to build a family, we would likly go our seperate ways and that's what happen. i believe he found someone he wanted to be with, so we agreed our time together was over.

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@Eliusa,

that's the best part. not what you typically find in an "affair" email or text exchange. it was NEVER sexual. we talked about life experiences, goals, dreams. places we had traveled, things we had seen, places we had lived. he sent me writting he had worked on, in the hopes of writting a short story. he shared music and the types that interested him and didnt. things that taught us more about eachother. or it would be about a topic that one of us knew something about and would explain it to the other. TV shows and movies, odd facts from documentaries. it was strange but enjoyable. it was unexpected.
the text were sometimes just to touch base, what we had done that day or something funny that had happened. or somethign that made one of us think of the other.

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@firefly2842,

I'll just give you my take after reading just your first post. My gut tells me you want someone to speak to your guilt of your initial relationship. And possibly you feeling potentially guilty in the future - just in case anything eventually comes of your relationship (which almost seems like it naturally could develop later on).

First I would like to say you handled the initial relationship (at least in my opinion) appropriately. I think even in a marriage where you are happy - you can always be attracted to someone else. It is natural but what you both did was realize it would be dumb to let an attraction ruin an otherwise good marriage (whether there were some troubles or not in the marriage). So what you did was the right thing -- go back to your marriage and try to work things out. Then if they don't you split because the marriage isn't right -- not because of some attraction.

In the current situation, just remain friends obviously, and let things work out naturally. Who knows you may find a good solid co-worker, a best friend in the world or something even more. Either way do not feel guilty -

As an aside - my grandfather in law passed away - a year or so later his wife bumped into an old friend -- his wife had passed away and when they were all younger or all great friends. Now these two got together and are happily married. You just never know how things could work out.

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Sad to know, that within a short term of 1 year, problem started. But as far as relationship is concerned that too coming from both side, it could have not got that worst where a situation of Divorce could come to picture. You were cheating yourself knowing to the fact, but now as the reality is shooting you with high times, it better to learn and move with call of time. It's never too late either.

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@firefly2842,

Sounds to me like the Universe wants you together & that you need to follow that, with no guilt or remorse!!your love for one another can honor your past loves. Negating the feelings you two have would be going against what is natural & desired by SO MANY!!

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