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Being Friends after affair with a married man

 
 
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 04:01 pm
I was in an affair with a married man for 2 years, on and off... I am not proud of it, so please do not judge me... We broke it off as I became very emotionally involved and wanted to spend a lot of time with him, whereas he was more interested in more casual set up and also confessed that recently he started feeling guilty about it all. We decided to drop it and just be friends and he initiated contact for few days after our break up to find out how I was doing. We then had one week break in communication and then he offered to see me in few days for a drink to chat. I agreed and we met up in town.. We both acted normally around each other, just talking about out life in general. There were no emotions (I had to stop myself a lot as I am still really attracted to him) and no mixed signals. He then emailed me next day saying it was great to see me and he will be in touch and see me soon again. I was happy the way things turned out. It has now been more then a week and I haven't heard from his since his last email. I emailed him twice, I came online to our application, but he never turned up. I also emailed him on his bday with wishes yesterday but he hasn't replied at all. I don't understand what is going through his mind... I was thinking of contacting him and asking why he hasn't replied? if he prefers me not to get in touch anymore...? would it be correct to do or shall I just let it go...? Why is he acting like that after out last meet up? I wouldn't mind if he just told me that he prefers I disappear from his life, but how he is acting just messes up my mind. Please shed some light on this situation, I am very confused... What should I do... or not do.
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  3  
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 04:05 pm
@anabel321,
Quote:
We both acted normally around each other, just talking about out life in general. There were no emotions


I think that there were emotions on your side, just hidden.

If you both have decided that's it, you can not do this anymore and I suspect he knows you are attracted to him as well, you have to break of contact.

One week is not long however, you've tried to contact him twice and now want to contact him again, all within one week.

Sweet (you) have to let go.
anabel321
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 04:32 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
JUst wondering why he is not saying what he expect from me... like to let me know he had decided that it will be better if we do not stay in touch actually... I would totally understand. He was the one to initiate contact after break up, he invited me out for a drink... so his behavious is so confusing... Do I not deserve any explanations at least and be able to ask questions? Maybe I am still too emotional about it all...
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 04:59 pm
@anabel321,
anabel,

It's hard for anyone to break up regardless of the situation behind them.

You should be asking what "you" expect from yourself and I suggest that would be "shirt, I've just wasted 2 years and I deserve better, like someone who is there for me , no games, no hidden agenda, no wife at home that he sleeps with........

You're feeling rejected. Quit it. You need to feel empowered, you can live your life now.. Stop trying to go backwards. He had / has someone else in his life and only wanted something "casual".. You are not casual are you? You are worth more...

Cut contact.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 05:06 pm
@anabel321,
anabel321 wrote:
saying it was great to see me and he will be in touch and see me soon again.


I haven't heard from his since his last email.

I emailed him twice,

.. I was thinking of contacting him and asking why he hasn't replied?



he said he'd be in touch

sounds like he will be in touch if and when he is interested in seeing you again

back off and get yourself sorted to go on with your life

I'd recommend blocking him on your social media at this point. You are clearly not ready to have a friends only relationship with him.

You need to start your own life without him.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 05:07 pm
@anabel321,
anabel321 wrote:
he was more interested in more casual set up


and he wanted to end that as well

_______


time to cut your losses
0 Replies
 
anabel321
 
  1  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 02:27 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
This is Great advise, Thank you. I started to feel so much better and trying to move on. I felt inside that maybe he wants that too so we are staying in NC for our both good. But today he messed up with my head again... We work in the same building so I bumped into him on lunch with my friend, he looked at me and then turned his attention to my friend and started being cheeky with her in a flirty way... I stood there just listening, but decided to move on and I walked away. My friend followed after me and he was left there staring...
I don't understand this behaviour, why did he do that? I so wanted to reach out to him to find our why is he doing that but I stopped myself there...
It is the evening now and I cannot stop thinking about it to understand what is going on through his mind. He invited me for a drink, we had great "friends" time, he promissed we will stay in touch, he doesn't reply to any of my emails and now he is being cheeky around me with my friends... I am lost. Please help..
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 02:41 pm
@anabel321,
Hun...

Take a step out of emotions....just for a minute.

"How dare he"... Don't you think that, that type of behaviour was childish? Disrespectful? Both? Seems he likes to play games and is a player, enjoyed that knowing your feelings would be hurt.

Please, please, please, do me a favour it works. Next time, don't even stand there, keep walking, when you see him, look past him as if he is not there, does not exist and continue to do this till the cows come home. All of a sudden, he will see the strength in you (1), but more importantly, it will kill him as he is being totally ignored and he'll hate it and lastly, he won't ever be able to do that again to you.

Never let someone have power over you. You own yourself and you get to choose who comes into your life and who doesn't..
anabel321
 
  1  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 03:14 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Thank you... it is hard to think rationally when emotions are all over the place. I found it indeed childish, I think he was trying to get my attention doing that and as you say, trigger my feelings. Which he did, very well. It is not the first time he has tried to draw my attention with his manipulative tactics. It is hard after 2 years to move on so simply. I thought that we respected each other, that we both decided it will be better to just stay friends and I really thought this is what he also hoped for. But his actions are so confusing, I have no clue what he wants.

Would you say that trying to get explanations from him would be pointless? Or at least pointing it out to him that his actions are unacceptable to me, I feel disrespected and I would rather we drop the "friendship" label and simply move on in opposite directions?
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 03:23 pm
@anabel321,
Your emotions are attached, do you think that you can't find someone else? Do you know how many men are out there in this World? Wink

You said:- " His manipulative tactics". You said:- "His actions are unacceptable to me". You said:- "I feel disrespected, I'd rather move on in opposite directions"

Then you added: - a question mark as well as I want explanations.

Your emotions are attached.

If a man is manipulative it means that his aim and goal is to get you and once done, is to keep you where he wants you.

If a mans actions is unacceptable, that means those actions either disgust or hurt you.

If a man makes you feel disrespected, it means you cower somewhat and feel worthless.

Manipulative, unacceptable behaviour, disrespect equals - Not worth speaking to ever again and to get out of those clutches that holds you.

Do not let a man have power over you. Be assertive.
anabel321
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 04:11 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Got it...

It will be hard to let it go without any comments to him on my side. I usually express my feelings quite a lot and he know that well. But I see your point. If I do that, not get in touch to state how it all makes me feel, I will have to stick to NC and if he ever tries to contact me again, even with possitive message or attitude, I will need to ignore it. This is the hardest thing I can ever imagine to do... this is why I am so scared, cause I don't know if I am strong enough to stick to NC... But I guess this is the only way to my inner freedom from this toxic relationship.
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 04:13 pm
@anabel321,
Sometimes we "think" that by speaking we have gotten it out.

Yet, sometimes by speaking they win.

How about you write your thoughts on a piece of paper and continue to do so until you no longer need to and when that time comes, go and burn the bastards Smile Send it into the Universe
anabel321
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 04:26 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Love the idea Smile I appreciate all your insight, thank you...
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 04:34 pm
@anabel321,
We want up-dates Smile
anabel321
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 04:45 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Okies Smile I will post an update in few days xx
Eliusa
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 04:54 pm
@anabel321,
an asshole?
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 04:55 pm
@anabel321,
I gonna make you stick to that Wink
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  0  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 05:00 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Isn't he going to try to get her again after she walks staring trough him?
And she might fall. Again.
Or
he will flirt more in front of her because she walked staring trough him? so to punish her for being 'trough starer'?
Where did you see man 'let's' woman go unpunished when she is breaking free?
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 05:32 pm
@Eliusa,
Haven't you been married all your life? Having an affair at present? Have no intentions of leaving, nor telling your Husband?

What understanding therefore can you have of being tough, assertive, believe in yourself, don't let the man have power over you to the point of a fishing rod, reeling you in, letting you go, reeling you in, letting you go.

This lady intends to not be on that fishing line. That is all she needs to concentrate on.

Eliusa
 
  0  
Reply Fri 16 Jan, 2015 08:06 am
@FOUND SOUL,
I know how hard and almost impossible it to leave someone you love and desire! So I am telling you that your suggestion is set up for failing.
Is she that strong to walk by and stare into the air? Do you know her?
And as long as they see each other - nothing is going to change.
However for me - if I am hurt once - the man goes bye bye.
If I saw him flirting with someone - he would be a long gone history.
0 Replies
 
 

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