Am I ignoring some major red flags...or is this normal

Reply Mon 12 Jan, 2015 10:53 pm
I met a very nice man online the last week of Aug 2014. Upon further discussion with him that night, he told me he lost his wife of less than a year to breast cancer TWO MONTHS ago (keep that in mind) and that he wasn't really looking for a relationship but just someone to talk to...I guess just to meet new people. I told him I respected what he was looking for and I was here to be a friend whenever he needed to talk. We talked/texted non stop for the next few days and it was obvious it would be difficult to keep things between us just as friends. I expressed this to him as he did to me as well. He made sure I knew that even though he liked me that he wasn't ready for a commitment and I completely understood that and promised to be patient with him. My curiosity got the best of me one afternoon and I looked online for his late wife's obit and discovered she had actually passed not even 2 weeks prior to us meeting on the dating website. I confronted him about this and asked why he lied and his response was he felt guilty as it was for meeting someone and didn't wanna seem like a douchebag for meeting someone so quick and he felt it would give me the wrong impression about his intentions with me. We worked through that and from that moment we began to share very sweet and intimate things with eachother. He new I was a safe place and he could cry on my shoulder on his bad days when he was missing his late wife. We talked about her, her illness, their relationship/marriage, looked at pictures of them two together. At this point, I really felt a strong connection to this man and began getting excited of what could potentially become of it (of course though, after quite sometime when he was ready to commit.) One afternoon about 4 wks after we started talking, he left the room to go outside to his truck and get his phone charger. His phone laid next to me on my bed and I opened it and saw a "goodnight babe" text he had sent the night before in response to this woman's picture she had sent him of herself laying in her bed. Should I have looked at his phone, no. But I really trusted this man so much so that I really wanted to see for myself that he's the "good boy" I think he is and that there's not another woman he's talking to but me. I confronted him about this when he came back inside. He didn't deny it. Actually he became very embarrassed. I didn't get angry, I only expressed how shocked I was because this was the last thing I expected from him after the picture he's painted over the last several weeks. His reasoning for talking/texting this other woman (whom he also met online just before us finding eachother) was because he needed an "outlet" when he felt like things were getting too serious. He felt like his feelings for me were becoming too real at times and she was his go to chick to make him feel like he wasn't in this semi-committed relationship or whatever it was that we were in. My heart shattered and I cried. He looked me dead straight in the eyes and just stared. When I asked him what he was looking at, he told me he's remembering this face of mine because he never wants to see this expression of hurt come across my face ever again. We got through that and he promised he stopped cold turkey talking to this woman...and also swore up and down he never met her in person and it was strictly phone conversations. Things really haven't been the same since this day about 2 1/2 months ago. We argue a lot over the smallest details and it's stresses him out so much so that he begins to pull away. In the past 4 months I think we've called it quits and gotten back together 3-4 times. This last time though is different from any other time before. He still contacts me but it's only after I've contacted him first. And I can't remember the last time I've heard his voice over the phone bc he won't go there with me right now. Needless to say, it's been 2 weeks since I've seen him too. He says he really misses me but maybe that this is just for the best right now because the stress and pressure out relationship is putting on him is too much emotionally for him to handle. He has yet to really even discuss with me what's really going on between us...he won't talk about it. Anytime I try to discuss it, I get very vague 3-4 word responses or he's busy and can't talk about this right now. I've begged him to please come see me so we can talk face to face, but as I just mentioned...something has always "come up" for nearly 2 weeks now. I really want to continue to pursue a relationship with him because he's everything I want/need from a man and as a father figure to my child. But I fear he might be done for good this time and the only reason he still talks as little as he does right now is because he doesn't wanna come off as a complete asshole. Then there's my fear that maybe there's another woman in the picture? I know that all my concerns are legit and for good reasons. But what I don't know is are these signs I'm seeing from him an obvious "get the hell outta there girl" kinda signs or are there exceptions to the rules when dating a widower?
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 07:17 am
You're right; you're ignoring major red flags.
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Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 08:07 am
Get away from this man.

He has not grieved properly - but even besides that, I'm betting that he was a cheater even while married. (I'm not passing judgment, maybe his spouse was ill for a long time)

Thing is: he's not ready to be exclusive and you are "over-ready" - "I want a relationship and a father for my child."

THIS guy is not the one. Don't invest your valuable time in him. He has no intention of being what you are forcing him to be.
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 08:15 am
Your story portraits a dude who used to cheat on her wife probably with "her consent" because she knew she was dying.

He probably uses his "pain" for losing his wife to get women.

He is going away from you because the last thing he wants is "problems" and you were confronting him too much.

I know a marriage where the husband cheated on her wife. He even had a child with the other woman.

The wife swallowed the incident, which was an out of marriage relationship that lasted years.

The other woman was the one calling to confront the man all the time. The continued confrontations bored the man to the point of stopping his relationship with her.

Up to today, these couple still are married. Slowly but surely the wife won his love back, his interest to keep the family together, and you can tell that they are "happy".

I admire this smart wife, who had patience enough avoiding to be the "problematic wife" and waited until the other woman becoming the "problematic lover".

It is understood that this "method" won't work for everybody, but it did work for the wife of the story.

You want a father for your child, but who knows if your son wants another father. Just think about what you want for you. "Widowers" might not be your best choice.
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 11:30 am
"Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! Danger!"

Ok, in case the quote is too old for you, yes, there are some major red flags that you need to maybe pay attention to.
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 06:42 pm
@PUNKEY Nearly everything you said are things I've heard from him. I took his "I'm not ready" speeches and excuses as him saying he's just not ready to give his heart to another woman but that he still wanted to stick with me to see what could happen with us when his heart is ready. BUT...there's just too many red flags that shadow those speeches of his now and I know I'm being strung along just for the "company." I haven't spoken to him in a couple of days and it's hard because I miss his company and conversation too but I know the longer I go with no communication then the better I'll get at not even giving it another thought that I want him in my life.
Thank you for your kind advice Wink
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 06:45 pm
@CoastalRat Lol...I'm saying to myself now too, "danger! Danger!" It's hard to walk away from him but he's just not good for me...and the fact that he isn't good for me resignates more in my heart and mind than the "oh I miss him..." Kinda thoughts. It's taken me a few days but I'm beginning to see the light. We haven't spoken in a couple of days, he hasn't tried to contact me either.....so that alone right there says even more! Thank you for the laugh ;-)
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Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 06:50 pm
@carloslebaron I didn't really go looking for a widower to date, it just kinda happened. It's definitely a roller coaster of a ride. It was a first for me and it'll be a last for me too
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Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 07:08 pm
Don't be surprised if you hear from him in a month or so. His short vague responses he uses are meant to keep you in a holding pattern. I wouldn't be surprised if he called and pretends to have hurt feelings because you haven't been in touch. Maybe he's confused or not ready, but if I were you I'd give this guy a wide berth, he may just like attention from lots and lots of women.
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Reply Mon 19 Jan, 2015 02:32 am
I would like to first point out in most cases when a man says he is looking for a "friend" that means in most cases he is looking for a possible love interest at some point. You probably already knew that or quickly figured that out. When he got "busted" you then became a problem for him. The one thing ive noticed about meeting people online they have a pool of people to choose from and will in some cases have a few suitors around. In other words they sometimes dont stop once they meet someone. Now im not saying that they are actually seen these people or not. Now i myself have been through some stuff and often have looked for people to talk to. I think this man should of waited a little longer before engaging in anything physical with someone else. Take note of one the previous posters comments about his actions been a sort of a placeholder. He could be trying to figure out what to do. Or he can try and turn this around on you as the other poster eluded to. This all sounds a little suspect to me. However everything you read here are only guesses and opinions. One final note keeping him around for you son sounds like a typical justification that i hear often..
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