Mon 5 Jan, 2015 05:27 pm
Is it possible that we just don't have sexual compatibility after 20 years?
My wife and I have been together for a little over 20 years. We have three wonderful kids and overall have a great marriage. We communicate well, spend time together and really have had a great life together. Our main issue has been sexually, we have not been very compatible and she has not been sexually satisfied throughout our time together. My wife is pretty much a straight shooter and basically has communicated her displeasure with us sexually. She has not been happy with our lack of frequency,she has not been happy with technique, and endurance has not been adequate especially when a good position is obtained. I have to admit and we have discussed that I have a very narrow penis, less than average, but has been willing to work with what I have. Our Intimacy has been very good and we enjoy being together, but there has been a lack of sexual fulfillment for the last 20 years. I have to say that in the early part of our time together I have been a selfish lover and not realizing what she needed and not willing to accept my shortcomings in the bedroom, but as I have grown and become a better listener I have tried really hard to give her what she needs. We have tried many things over the years to help us in this area, such as longer foreplay, various positions and oral pleasures, and the use of toys etc. Despite these attempts we still continue to have issues in this area. I find myself very frustrated as well, not being able to give her what she is looking for in a sexual experience. My wife is very loving and the type of woman who can tolerate a lot of things, but tends to settle when things don’t work out in her favor. I have had quite a few sexual experiences before we married, but I was younger and really a selfish lover, didn’t learn much. My wife has only been with two other people before we married, one was when she lost her virginity and the other was a college fling that lasted a couple of months, but she said that she really enjoyed the sex with this guy. Recently we have sat down and had a very long conversation about this and what can be done. I asked her on a scale of 1-10 what her frustration level is at right now with our issue and she said probably an 8. I told her I understand that and I am frustrated also for her and that I needed to try harder and do better. I told her that I would educated myself as much as possible at pleasuring her, and do whatever else I can do in those areas that needed improvement. I then suggested that if this doesn’t work out that we may have to look at other alternatives to get her needs met, such as maybe allowing her to find another sex partner. She is not happy with that idea, but understands that this may be the only way she can find the sexual satisfaction she needs. I am ok with this if I am unable to produce the sexual satisfaction she wants, I just don’t want her spending another 20 years sexually unfulfilled waiting for me to get it right if I can. By the way this is not a deal breaker for our marriage, as I said before we are happy and have no intention of splitting up. This is something that has plagued our relationship since the beginning and maybe we just are not compatible sexually. I think its pass time that I either step it up, or support her in finding some sexual fulfillment in this area with someone else. I am also aware that this approach is very unconventional, but we have trust and belief in our relationship.
You're kidding, right? You would give your wife permission to have sex with another man, simply because you have not done enough to find out what EXACTLY she means by not being "satisfied" with you? and she has not expressed herself well enough, or you are not listening at your "talks"?
Is she orgasmic with you?
Consider going to a sex therapist FIRST before you let her set sail in finding a lover. That would be a HUGE mistake, IMHO. (It's almost passive aggressive on your part - are you trying to get rid of her?)
In the meantime, be sure you are clean and smell good when getting into bed with her. SOMETHING is wrong that she is not being turned on by you in the bedroom.
Seems like you would've figured it out before now! My guess is youred bored but don't want to be the one to make it exciting....
Is she able to bring herself to orgasm through mastrubation? Has she ever allowed you to watch so you can learn how she does it? Have you then practiced this on her? Is she able to tell you what adjustments to make and are you able to comply?
If the answer to any of those questions is no, then that is a good place to start.
No, I am not kidding and this is a serious issue. My wife has had orgasms before, she is not big on masturbation, but we have used toys to achieve orgasm and oral play. This has more to do with our sexual relations, we don't have any problems that were mentioned in some of the other post. We have tried many things in this area and have just hit a wall. I appreciate serious responses and not judgement, and would like to hear anyone that could offer some insight.
How come it took you 20 years to be dissatisfied or at least to make it a key point. Not judging...just wondering, what it was that set that irreversible sail. Have you ever told her you're not satisfied? Is this a new subject?
My first guess is that she is being unreasonable. Does the conversation run the other way too, things that she could do better? Since she is not happy and part if not all the reason is your lack of equipment is she willing to switch to anal to see if she likes that better?
If it were me I would get to the point of not being interested in her complaints. If you have over years done the best you can to please her and she still constantly bitches then it is time for drastic action. My wife and I are swingers, you might try that if you can take other men pleasing her in ways that you cant, if she were grateful for the opportunity she might start to be nicer to you, and you might get the chance to **** a woman who appreciates you. Another upside to this is that it would be the two of you working on the problem together, swinging is very much a together thing for most couples.
I dont have enough information to help more than this at this time. I will say however that if you dont do anything you are likely to be in a sexless marriage soon. This constant negativity has to stop one way or another, and the way it often stops is an agreement to no longer be sexual.
She has not been happy with our lack of frequency,she has not been happy with technique, and endurance has not been adequate especially when a good position is obtained.
ok - these are three different issues
have you talked to a doctor about any of them?
@Hawk Thanks for the response, your response was interesting, and I don't want anyone to think my wife is complaining. She is a great woman and we communicate really well. She is not mean or resentful about our situation. I am quite pleased with the sex we have. This is really me just trying to make things better for her. It's funny you mentioned swinging, as that was also something we have spoken about. We appreciate any information you could provide on the subject and how to go about looking into it. Thanks for your post it was informative without being judgmental.
thanks for inquiring ehBeth, we are both healthy.
We appreciate any information you could provide on the subject and how to go about looking into it.
The problem to look out for is if she would be in more demand than you, which would reinforce the current problem rather than help. If your wife loves having sex with the guy enough to do it again, and the guy would like to but you did not please the other woman then this is now a problem between 4 people instead of 2. If this is what you would expect would happen then you can still go the cockold route, which many swinger clubs facilitate. In that case you would want to go to a club that one day a week lets in single guys along with couples, with the hopes of having sex with a woman in front of her man. I have done it, and seeing my wife get lots of attention and sex was fun for me, and she was grateful and made sure I knew it for months after. I have never been to one but some of these clubs also have gangbang nights, where women get even more attention, though of course the expectation is that she wants to have sex with 2 or more guys at once....if that is not what you want then you would need to be clear with the guys, and that event might just best be avoided. If the club is good the couple completely set the rules, and everyone follows them. The most important thing is that you and your wife are on the same page going in, and you make sure to communicate well during the night.
While we have over the years gone more into BDSM than swinging we started at the swinger clubs because we were not completely satisfied with our sex lives and wanted to spice things up. It worked for us. Neither of us have jealousy issues and we wanted sex to be better and for both of us to be happy, which is pretty much required to make swinging work, and not everyone is up for that. Also, over time we realized that we had to get better at communication for swinging to work, which was not something that I expected going in.
Are you guys must bring some health notes?
My wife and I have been married for 8 years. I'm 49, she's 43. Sex seems to be better every time we do it.