Tam86
 
Reply Sat 3 Jan, 2015 01:43 pm
I have been dating my widower for a few months. This have been very good, but with the recent holidays and the anniversary date of his wife's death he has been distant bad moods. He is leaving for a trip to Kauai by himself to clear his head. Is this normal he assures me this will pass. But I feel very insecure and I haven't been insecure before. What do I do how do I support him or deal with this
 
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Sat 3 Jan, 2015 03:14 pm
@Tam86,
Let him grieve like he needs to grieve. Holidays are tough, especially the first year, trying to cheer somebody up usually strains them more than entertains them.
Tam86
 
  1  
Reply Sat 3 Jan, 2015 03:32 pm
@glitterbag,
Thank you! I have never been in a relationship like this and I'm willing to whatever I can. Sometimes I feel so alone and not sure how to talk to him or be supportive. Before Christmas he had a rough time I gave him his space and after it was over he said I did good and did the right thing.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Sat 3 Jan, 2015 03:37 pm
@Tam86,
It's difficult to date someone with baggage and in this case, very sad baggage a death of someone he obviously loved.

When you go into a relationship knowing that this situation is at hand, you have to hold their hand, walk away, be there, what ever they need which is difficult to do.

You're probably feeling insecure because you are not sure if he is lonely and needs someone or actually likes you and wants you, due to the recent death of his wife but remember, you went into this knowing that may be the case.

At this point in time the relationship is very new. Keep a piece of your heart and go with it. It's honestly anyone's guess as to whether he falls further and further for you or can't connect totally. But, remember, a piece of her heart will always be with him however, a woman can mend a broken heart. Time will tell, if you are prepared to give him, the time he needs.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 3 Jan, 2015 08:06 pm
How long has it been since the death of his wife?

Ages of all people?

Tam86
 
  1  
Reply Sat 3 Jan, 2015 09:07 pm
@PUNKEY,
It's been a year this month. He has dated prior to me, but he has said I'm different and our relationship is different from the others. I have meet close friends and family and we have talked about our future together. I have been divorced for 15 and have only had a few long term relationships. I had focused my life on my career and raising my Son. My widower had taken a break from dating and I wasn't looking to date. It just happened for us we meet by chance.
Tam86
 
  1  
Reply Sat 3 Jan, 2015 09:08 pm
@Tam86,
We are both in our late 40. No kids at home for either of us
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Jan, 2015 09:02 am
As a widower, I have to admit I've never even heard of Kauai, let alone been there.
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Mon 5 Jan, 2015 10:00 am
@Tam86,
Sounds like you got together about 9 months after his wife passed away. That is really a short amount of time.
Tam86
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Jan, 2015 10:17 am
@izzythepush,
It's a small island Hawaii
Tam86
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Jan, 2015 10:39 am
@ossobuco,
Yes that was a concern for me, but he has dated and had a relationship prior to us meeting. I have never felt insure about he has felt about me he has always put me first and makes sure I know how important I am to him. I do realize hard times will come up. I have lost my family 5 years ago and still deal with grief and have hard days.
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Mon 5 Jan, 2015 10:54 am
@Tam86,
He is still in shock. Yes, he has "dated" but did you ever wonder why no one stuck with him?

There are THREE people in your relationship right now. He has not left her. As a widow, I can tell you that for him, this is all like moving to another country. It's nice, but you really would rather go home. But you can't.

Your patience will be tested. Plan on at least 2 years before he can even turn around and look at you earnestly.

You are more ready than he is to have a relationship. Sorry, but that's the way it is with a widow/widower - even if the marriage was bad.

ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Jan, 2015 11:01 am
@Tam86,
He is still a very recent widower.

He is probably still testing out what it's like to be single.

Definitely give him some time to sort things out - and take it with a grain of salt when he/friends/family talk about the future.

It's not easy for either of you, but you need to take the lead on not letting things get too serious.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Jan, 2015 11:05 am
@Tam86,
sounds like he jumped back into dating very quickly and may just now be sorting out his feelings
0 Replies
 
Tam86
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Jan, 2015 11:22 am
@PUNKEY,
Yes I have thought about that many times and have asked him why and what happens with the other women. He is very open and honest he has always told me how he is feeling and where he is at. I'm very patient with him and I'm also trying to protect myself and my feelings. It's a hard balance for me. I completely understand and thank you for your insight. I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing and being supportive.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Jan, 2015 11:47 am
@Tam86,
Thank you.
0 Replies
 
 

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