Called off engagement

Well, if it were me, I'd put off the wedding to see how things go. If you have any reservations at all, please don't jump into marriage. If you're having problems now, those problems will still be there after you get married. I suggest a long engagement of a few years before you decide.

Good luck to you and welcome to A2K :-D

I'm with Montana. Since you have the upper hand here right now, see if he will prove himself before jumping in to marriage.

I agree; yet, I doubt that, if he does change, he will change forever... to me, it sounds as though he is a person who likes to be social without his wife; ingrained things like the need to congress with friends, often, are rather permanent; at least, I think so. And there is no saying that he will not lay out being with his comrades until you marry, and start again. Be wary.

I was thinking on the same lines as Drom. I've heard the "I'll change" story a million times and I still haven't met one yet that has.

If you do decide to give him a chance, just do yourself a huge favor and give it plenty of time. I'd rather wait a few years to make sure, than to spend the rest of my life regretting it.

There is not much more that I could add. Talk is cheap. What your boyfriend needs is a "track record".

IMO, you might do well to break the engagement, but still date him. If he gave you a ring, return it. What you want to do is break off all formal ties to him.

You don't need to date others if you don't want to, but IMO, you would be better off starting from scratch. See if he is willing to stand by his promise..........for a couple of years.

IMO, one of the most tragic things in life is to be tied to a person, with regrets, (and maybe some kids in the picture). I married my first husband knowing full well that there were things that were problematical................I naively thought that the difficulties would work themselves out...............they didn't.

I would break the engagement, and just date. Don't fight to make it work... that never helps.

Your instincts are right on target. You and your Perhaps Reforming Intended should not be planning a wedding right now. You should be working out the differences between you.

Quite possibly the Perhaps Reforming Intended needs a lot of time with his pals to be happy. Three weeks or three months down the road, he could be backsliding and damning you for being a possessive bitch.

Perhaps when you spend more time with your PRI, you'll realize that he can't handle a full-time, one-on-one romantic relationship--or that you don't want him full-time, one-on-one.

Congratulations for working out your differences before the wedding. You're showing great good sense.

I'm sure drom is right. However great the intentions, people seldom make permanant changes in themselves. Continue to date him, if dating is your thing. If it isn't, go somewhere else.

There is something about the tone of this thread that I am not comfortable with.

When you make the decision to marry, you are making the decision to love them as they are. When you love someone, you are loving an imperfect person in spite of their flaws.

If you make the commitment of marriage-- to love until death do you part, it must be without condition.

Every man or woman you meet will have flaws. Love is special because it transcends these flaws. Speaking of "reforming" your fiance misses the entire point of love.

The basic question you are asking is can you love your partner unconditionally in spite of his flaws. If the answer is "no" than you should not go forward. There is probably a woman out there who can love him as he is, and you should not prevent either of them from having this joy. Likewise there is probably a man out there who will have flaws that you can love.

Any potential will have to ask the same question about you. Think about how you would feel if your potential spouse said, "I could love you if you would just change..."

To me it is simple. If you can love him for the rest of your life as he is, marry him. If you can't, don't.

I agree with the others but wanted to add the following.

You do not want to marry someone who is not completely themselves around you. The need to change the behavior that you described is not the same as the behavior of sharing household chores more or remembering to put the toilet seat down. When you ask someone to fundamentally change who they are by not seeing their friends or colleagues as much, is asking for trouble down the line.

You and your former fiance deserve the type of relationship that brings out the best in you even when you are at your worst. It is possible to achieve this when both individuals are compatible in a way that complements one another. Not the same necessarily, but complementary. For example - he likes his space away from you and you like the space to pursue your own interests. Both needs do not conflict and neither of you ask the other to give up this need or desire you would BOTH have if you weren't together as a couple.

The fact that the inner voice inside your head is telling you that this relationship wasn't it - enough to call off the engagement - is enough for me to believe it. I think people know deep down sometimes what is the right decision in this way. It's up to you, but I would move on and find the right individual who meets your needs without changing the person fundamentally. Best of Luck.

I agree with ebrown-p. You cannot change people. Accept him or leave him

I think it's absurd to love someone for every flaw they have, I think not spending a good amount of time with your future life partner is a very clear sign of where he'll be when troubles, children, and real obligations come into play. Absent, and possibly drinking with friends?I think it's a sign of emotional immaturity that I missed before, or didn't want to see.

canadiangirl, you just have to pick someone who has flaws you can live with.

You know the old saying...
Women marry men thinking they'll change, and they never do. Men marry women thinking they won't change, but they always do.

canadiangirl--

You're so fortunate to be strong enough to follow your instincts. So many people make the mistake you avoided.

He now knows the preferred behavior, and will either
1 Change and probably hold it against you in some way.
2 Become dishonest with you to do what he wants.

Either way, one of you will end up unhappy, or hurt.
If you were a social person, and liked him being busy with friends, to afford you time to do the same--it would work. Its obvious his lifestyle doesn't mesh with yours--or you wouldn't have broken up over it.

Your demands would have hampered his personality--or his lifestyle would have impacted you in a negative way...

I think you should part friends, and move on.

Canadiangirl--

You have a right not to want to be married to a guy who spends half his free time with his buddies--in or out of a bar. Remember that "forsaking all others" bit in the vows.

Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. You know your own mind and what is essential for your happiness.

Stand firm--and don't make wedding plans until you think the marriage will be successful. Why the rush? Is he worried about what his buddies will say?

Probably
Yes I think he wants the status of being married and committed but I don't think he wants to lose his old lifestyle necessarily. He wants to sit on two chairs as the saying goes. I'm actually very social myself but it never interferes with the relationship, he is always welcome, but declines, and hangs out with his friends. He pretty much never includes me. And, to top it off, his friends pretty much consist of men his age and older who are not engaged or married, who are dating women here and there, and who don't parallel the path he is taking (or so I thought). So I think he feels a strong pull and attraction to this lifestyle, despite the attraction to the one he has with me. So imagine my frustration, and actually how ridiculous this situation is!

One more thing...
As far as changing someone fundamentally, wouldn't you say that choosing to be out with his friends and getting drunk is a behaviour, and coping skill, rather than a fundamental characteristic of a person? I can't expect him to change how he treats other people, what he believes about raising children, or how honest or dishonest he is. I believe though that if he wanted to he would change his behaviour in terms of what he is doing, at least modify it. I certainly did, and I know that if I was out three times a week without him, drinking and partying it up with my crew of girls, he would most definitely be upset and resentful about it.

canadiangirl--

This guy does not sound like husband material--unless the woman is so anxious for the status of marriage that she's willing to forego emotional security.

Keep on with your delaying actions--hold your dominion.

Am I imagining it, or is the description of the man in question undergong a metamorphisis?

First, he was seeing his friends 50% of the time and "sometimes they drink".............now he's hanging out in bars with his single male buddies and they're all getting drunk.............?????

I've never understood why getting engaged or married means giving up all your friends and all going places by yourself?