i was physically/mentally abuse by my mother, should I tell him?

Forums: Relationships, Family, Abuse, Dating
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first of all, i am sorry for my poor English, English is not my first language.

During my childhood, mom angry at dad for cheating, so mom take out her anger on me.
One time when dad out on weekend business trip, mom physically beaten me.
I went to school with bruises on arms, and slap handmarks across my face.
School teachers saw it, call police, and this went to court for domestic 'child abuse' court order to take me away to 'foster home' for few years.

Afterward i was return home, mom stop beaten me but still mentally abuse, and belittle me everyday.
I endure this to my 18 birthday, damage mom done to me was too much that i move out away from her.
so more more than a decade, i survive on my own. So mom is out of he picture, she no longer a part of my life. Though i do go back home to visit my old father (who never abuse me) twice a month.

I'm 30 now, and I been dating this guy age 29, so far the relationship is so good, thanks to he puts alot of effort into it.
appearantly my abusive past still haunt me, sometimes i re-read all the police report, and courts papers of "how" she beaten me, i still find myself in tears.

Seem like my mother abuse me in my childhood still hurt subconsciously inside me.
My BF sometimes stay over at my place. One-two times he saw I cried in my sleep, tears dropped down my face.
He was sleeping next to me, saw i, got worried, and wakes me up; and I saw my pillow was wet with tears, so I definately DID cried.

He knows that something bothering me, but i refused to talk about it, and he respect that. And he said whenever im ready to talk, he'll be there.
We are in a monogamous commited relatiponship, he buy matching promise rings to wear to show commitment. So i believe he is serious about this relationship.

So how do i break it to him about my mother mentally abuse me and physically beaten me in my childhood? Would my BF get freak out that i was abusive by my mother in the past? Would he run away over this?

Do he must know about this abusive past of mine? would he feel sad/feel pity for me? I don't want him to stay with me out of pity love, hope this make sense...

any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you
especially from the guys viewpoints, do you MIND your gf had a mother that mentally and physically abuse her when she little?

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 1,108 • Replies: 13

[+3] - PUNKEY - 12/04/2014You said: "Would my BF get freak out that i was abusive by my mother in the past? Would he run away over this?" Why do you think he would freak out or run away? Are you STILL...

If the news about your having been abused over a decade ago would get this guy to leave you, then you don't have much of a relationship.

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You said: "Would my BF get freak out that i was abusive by my mother in the past? Would he run away over this?"

Why do you think he would freak out or run away?

Are you STILL blaming yourself for your mother's cruel behavior?! You must realize that you were the victim of abuse, you did not cause it. You must not be ashamed that you were abused.

Yes, you must tell your husband to be about your abuse so he can understand why you cry.

Then, you must get into counseling so your will not be a sad wife or sad mother.

Get some help soon. I wish you the best.

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@independentgirl,

Any guy who love you will not think one bit less of you and who will feel protected and closer to you and will wish to aid you in dealing with your emotional wounds.

That said I would suggest seeking out professional help in added to the support from your lover.

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@independentgirl,

Hi there.

A normal, regular boy/man would feel the need to protect his GF more if he knew that she went through some rough time when she was a kid. His reaction would normally be to care for her more, and to try and help her deal with it.

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Thank you, I don't think he leave me. But would he feel sad pitiful for me, and stay wtih me out of some 'pity love'?

I don't cry all the time, I have not cry eversince I move out away from my abusive mother.
It been more than a decade, and I left my abusive past behind me when I since I walk out that door.

I am a bubbly girl, talkative, always sunny smile kind of girl.
It just sometimes when I am ALONE by myself, those childhood abuse memories come back to me.
I don't show this on the outside, it always 'hidden inside' emotions of me.
I also build up walls inside me to protect myself from getting emotionally hurts; so I have not let him in completely on the 'emotionals' side yet.

Our relationship actually happy (most of the times, except like 1 argument), we communicate good, we laughs, jokes, have fun together.
The ONLY 2 times he saw I cried it was in my sleep. I guess subconsciously inside me, my childhood abuse still bother me.

He always drive back after work to be with me, so he does sleep over; and eversince I know him, he only see me cry in me sleep 2 times, so it not alot at all.

It worries him to see i cry, I can see it in his eyes.
And I told him that it nothing related to him, and I don't want to talk about it yet.
But now I am thinking of telling him, because lately he pressing that he wants us to live together, and he talking about marriage.

I'm sorry it just tough for me, we are an interracial couple.
And I got pressure from everybody, to my ignorant mother who discriminate against his skin color.
being an Asian girl, I guess I am not strong emotionally, so it does bother me when my mother make disrespectful comments at him.
He is a tough guy, so all these outsiders talks doesn't bother him a bit.
he not even bother by my mom ignorant commments. It is me that seem to be trouble by it.

All these time together, it is him that put in all the effort, his persistent and steady affection to carried this whole relationship through.
I need to be open to him more emotionally. I'm trying, it just hard given I been abuse when little.

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Are you seeing her now?

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@independentgirl,

Quote:

But would he feel sad pitiful for me, and stay wtih me out of some 'pity love'?

I don't think so. From what you tell, you're not permanently depressed or 'damaged'. Many people have had abusive or rough or uncaring parents. Maybe he had some rough time as a kid too.

You need to work on it though, because there's something that's bothering you still. It's not just sad memories. It is perhaps the sadness of feeling rejected by one's mother (and thus feeling unworthy), or perhaps the fear of behaving the same with your own kids.

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@PUNKEY,

No, I move out at the age of 18, and now I am 30
so more more than a decade, i survive on my own without her.
So mom is out of he picture, she no longer a part of my life.

It just that twice a month, I go back home to visit my father (he is old now, and he never abuse me), I can't just leave my father like that.
It was my mom that beaten me in the past, not my dad. you know what i mean? I still love my dad.

But twice a month when I come back to visit dad. Mom always make ignorant/discrimination comments about my man skin color.
Very rude and hurtful one too. Like she even say I am "DIRTY" because I sleep in the same bed with him.
And that do NOT ever bring the grandkids around her IF I ever have kids with him.
And other stuff that is very verbally hurtful. I don't argue wtih her, I just walk straightout of the door.

My man know all this, he said as a skin color person, he experience stereotypes, ignorant comments all the times.
So my mom ignorance wasn't a surprise to him. And he say it doesn't bother him,
But he needs Me to be "strong" so we can make it together as an interracial couple.

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@independentgirl,

But you're also entitled to have emotions and to be sad on occasion.

That's the thing about being in a long-term relationship: you show the other person all of the sides of you. And if they love you, they hang around even if those shows of emotions are uncomfortable, or are a downer. They don't do it out of pity. They do it out of love.

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You say you sometimes pull out the old police reports and read them and he has seen you cry over that.
You must be pulling them out quite often, and the question is Why are you pulling out old police reports from a decade ago.

If it's making you cry reading them, stop.

1 Reply

@chai2,

No, you must didn't read my post carefully, or my English is just s-u-c-k,
I said I was alone re-read the police report/court papers, I still findmyself in tears.
I was alone by myself. He never see these reports, I never pull it out in front of him.

he see me CRY IN MY SLEEP, he sometimes stay over night at my place.
We sleep in the same bed, so when I start sob, cry in my sleep, ofcourse he notice it, we right next to each others.
So he wakes me up and got very worried why I was crying in my sleep.

I told him it not related to him, and refused to talk to him. But now I am thinking of telling him.

1 Reply

@independentgirl,

That not what I said...

What you said was "sometimes i re-read all the police report, and courts papers of "how" she beaten me,"

So sometimes you take out the reports and re-read them. Correct?

Why are you sometimes taking these papers out and re-reading them?

What purpose does that serve? So you can feel bad?

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@independentgirl,

Quote:

Thank you, I don't think he leave me. But would he feel sad pitiful for me, and stay wtih me out of some 'pity love'?

Hell no.

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i was physically/mentally abuse by my mother, should I tell him?

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