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Sat 11 Oct, 2014 03:58 pm
I am in my early twenties, my boyfriend is ten years older than me and he has an eight year-old child. I really love my boyfriend and I want to spend my life with him. In the past, I was very sceptical about people who enter into serious relationships at such a young age (never mind with somebody so much older too!) and thought it would never happen to me, but it has and I have never been so happy. I would just really love some advice from people who have been in a similar situation, whether the outcome was good or bad. Basically, everything is perfect, but I would be lying if I didn't say the fact that he already has a child makes me slightly uneasy. We have been together for about a year and I have met his child quite a few times and spent time with them together. His child is really lovely and I would really like them to like me too. He is such an amazing Dad but the mother of the child is quite heartless and tells the child unfair and totally untrue things (the reason you have eczema is because of Daddy's soap etc..). It can be very stressful and upsetting for him, especially when she does not stick to the agreed visiting times (which are even court-ordered). I love him an unbelievable amount and we are so perfect for each other, but the whole situation is so daunting! If we have a child together in the future, it won't be new for him. I know the most important thing is that it would be OUR child, but it won't both be our first. Also, we will never be able to travel together and I understand completely why he can't. I would love to hear from you whether you went through the same thing, did you have to make sacrifices, was it worth it, etc... Thank you very much!
I would also like to establish that I do not want anyone to respond who simply disapproves of relationships with substantial age-gaps. This is not the issue.
@stripes1190,
Why can't you ever travel together? Do you mean move to a remote location? That, yes, I can see why that would be something you couldn't do (and you can do it when this child becomes an adult). But traveling? Hell, kids fly cheaper than adults do.
@jespah,
Thanks for replying. Well, because I am so much younger, I haven't experienced the world to the same extent he has. I chose to study languages with the intent of travelling a lot, but he cannot travel and bring the child with him because the mother would never allow it, and he would also never miss out on the short amount of time he gets. I'm so confused because I have always wanted to travel, but its probably the one thing he can't do for at least ten years. Yet, I REALLY want this to work! If I put my travelling plans on hold, I would hate myself if I ended up resenting him. It wouldn't be fair on him either and he has expressed that he worries about this as well. Do you have any experience with this type of relationship or know anyone else who does?
@stripes1190,
You can travel with other people. Seriously, these dreams are not mutually exclusive. As for what the mother will allow or won't allow, that can be ironed out in the custody agreement. Usually trips for a child's cultural and educational enrichment can be justified, particularly if your boyfriend concedes something to his ex. Don't want to go that route? Then go to Rome (or wherever) with your mother, your BFF, your cousin, etc. Or wait. Your 30s is not old. Hell, your 60s aren't, although you might not think that right now.
Me? I don't really have personal experience with this. I know people who are pretty far apart in age from their SOs. It sometimes works. It sometimes doesn't. As with anything else, parties need to be flexible.
@stripes1190,
Why can't you travel without him and return to him following your travels?
You two seems like worlds apart.
Accept that he and the child are a "package" and if you cant accept the entirety of that, then move on.
I have the feeling that if you travel very often for long time without him, your boyfriend or husband might not be your boyfriend or faithful husband anymore.
Long distance is one of the most risky situations between a husband and a wife to stay faithful. You might pass the test, but there is no guarantee that your husband will do it.
On the other hand, having your husband traveling with you, and him keep sending child support and both of you communicating with his son, after each return he will always keep his son, and you will always keep your husband.
See? a person can change spouses but can't change sons or daughters.
@PUNKEY,
Well said!
When you are true and want to share your life for him, You should obviously be happy to spare your life with his kid too!
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