To be honest, I’m not sure what responses I’m looking for with this post. I’m very confused and am, essentially, looking for unbiased feedback, to work things out in writing or maybe even validation.
I've been with this great guy for 3 1/2 years. He is sweet, stable, creative, artistic, an overall handyman, supportive, and we have good times together. He can make me smile and many of our future hopes are the same. We've talked about marriage and worked through the very emotional topic of having children. I have no concerns of infidelity and we have a great physical relationship. He's supported me through family loss, past and present, and is very understanding of my brother who has had and is still struggling with drugs, legal problems and anger. For the present and near future, I can see being happy with him.
With all that being said, my concern is for the ultimate future. I know nothing is set in stone and even the “perfect” relationship with “perfectly” compatible partners can fail. My hesitancy is from what I feel is missing in my relationship. I've had these concerns for a few months but they were exacerbated when, a few days ago, I found out the man I was with just prior to my current boyfriend is now married. Ultimately, I was ready for something serious and he was not; so, we parted ways. Although I am extremely happy he found someone, I am admittedly sad that person wasn't me.
This previous man and I were together for about 7 months. He offered everything my current boyfriend offers and more. He was very intelligent, educated, witty, outgoing, sporty, supportive, and we could endlessly banter back and forth, have debates and make each other laugh for hours. We read many of the same books, loved the same music, had similar educational backgrounds we could reference and were, overall, a great fit. He challenged me and kept me intellectually stimulated. I like sports but am not the most knowledgeable. He was a sports fanatic, both to watch and play, and enthusiastically guided me. He fulfilled my intellectual, physical and emotional needs.
My current boyfriend does have a college-degree and is smart in his own way; but, he doesn't intellectually stimulate me much, nor does he challenge me. I feel that many of the references and jokes I make or the things I talk about that really interest me are a little over his head at times. Our relationship is fairly docile. If I nag about something or have a differing belief he just accepts it, and; as result, debates are non-existent. He is not very witty and because of that, my sarcasm is often misconstrued and our back and forth banter is limited. He’s not sporty and not extremely open to exploring it with me; however, we are very outdoorsy together. The music I’m passionate about (I love many types) and the books that I read he’s not into. To an extent, I feel like my life and even myself have become a little stagnant over the past 3 1/2 years. I've tried to challenge him but it doesn't seem as if he can or is interested is growing with me.
Ultimately, I’m worried that my boyfriend being sweet, stable, artistic, and supportive isn’t going to be enough.
Am I right to be concerned about our differences and what I feel is missing? Am I overanalyzing the situation?
I think if this guy was a mirror to you in every way, you'd be bored silly.
We do not have to get all of our non-sexual stimuli from our partners. We can get it from book groups, quilting bees, acting troupes, whatever and whoever.
Your boyfriend or husband is not the sole source of fellowship in your life, or at least he shouldn't be. As for him not getting your jokes, give him time. We grow together as couples (or at least long-term couples tend to) so that will come if you stay together.
As for the remainder, is it jealousy? Buyer's Remorse? You might want to consider counseling, as you're pining for someone you cannot have anymore and may be unconsciously sabotaging what you do have.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
0 Replies
ossobuco
2
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Thu 9 Oct, 2014 05:36 pm
I didn't marry someone for that reason. I'm still not sorry.
We were also friends, besides the support and love of a sort. After I said no the third time, he gave up, but the denouement wasn't ugly.
His work brought him to Chicago, a long way away, and he fell in love with and married a nurse. Once, a few years later, when he was in Los Angeles again, on business, he called and we had dinner. No hanky panky, we were both happy with our lives but glad to see each other and catch up.
I did marry a man whose mind I really liked, oh, and his eyes and voice and body and interests, sometimes wisdom, even for our differences, which were interesting. We lasted about twenty five years. I'm not sorry about marrying him either.
This is not a recommendation - just to say I understand what you are talking about.
I'm not particularly for marrying a self replica either. Otherwise, if one or both take a different turn in interests, kaboom.
0 Replies
victorcarjan
2
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Thu 9 Oct, 2014 05:46 pm
@bec-suzie5685,
Just some thoughts that formulated from reading your post, do with them as you will.
I think that, if you aren't growing together, over time, you are going to grow further apart.
Have you tried taking an interest in the books/music that he likes and then challenging your opinion of the experience with his own? If there's not much of a response, maybe you both have a different set of values for what Love or Relationships are about.
Ultimately, I think communicating these thoughts with him would give you the best sense of clarity to formulate a conclusive action for how to proceed. You seem to be a scientific based sort of thinker, and you are now at the point of gathering more information to retest your hypothesis of determining the probability of happiness with this person in the long run. However, the information you gather here is far less valuable then what you would get directly from the source in question. You may fear the response you get doesn't match what you wish it would be.
That said, I think if I were in your positioning from the limited knowledge I have from what you provided, I would write something similar to this post as best and carefully as I could, and then whatever happens, to take it from there spontaneously.
You never know what may happen, the truth opens the mind to a lot of variables it otherwise never would have considered.
0 Replies
PUNKEY
4
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Thu 9 Oct, 2014 06:12 pm
You can get your "intellectual stimulation" by joining a book club or theater group.
Your guy sounds like he has a lot of admirable qualities and probably is feeling the same about some kind of issue where he is head and shoulders above you. Just for kicks, ask him what he thinks is your dumbest level in a skill where he excels. (Like, can you build a garage?)
You're absolutely right. He can actually build an entire house and has helped his family do so twice. He completely remodeled the house he previously owned with his ex-wife. He's taught me how to work on cars and now I can change my own oil and tire. I am by no means saying he doesn't have admirable qualities and intelligence because he has many and has taught me many new things. I appreciate you putting it in those terms so I can try and better figure out where my unhappiness ultimately lies.
0 Replies
hawkeye10
0
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Thu 9 Oct, 2014 11:11 pm
@bec-suzie5685,
Quote:
Ultimately, I’m worried that my boyfriend being sweet, stable, artistic, and supportive isn’t going to be enough.
It would not be enough for me, it would put me to sleep. I need passion (erotic and cerebral) . I need adventure. I need a mate who I can count on to push and pull me into being a better version of me.
"Nice" is not all that the busy bodies who are always telling us how to live crack it up to be.
nice=boring=poor mate material
There is a reasonable chance that you will only live once. Dont play it too safe.
If BF does not light you up like this now, if you could not imagine talking about him like this if he was gone, what are you doing?
0 Replies
Krumple
-1
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Sat 11 Oct, 2014 04:20 am
@bec-suzie5685,
I'm glad punkey said something before I did. I wouldn't have been as nice about it. All I read was what these two guys can do for you, what are you offering them? It was me, me, me and me. You sound really ungrateful that this second guy isn't living up to the expectations that the first guy had and the only reason you are pining for the first guy is because he ditched you and then is engaged. Something you wanted and missed out on. So you'll **** on a "great guy" all because he doesn't banter with you or "stimulate you intellectually"? Are you serious? I'm beginning to think the first guy made the right choice. So what exactly do you do for these guys? Or is it only about what you can get from them?
0 Replies
Joeblow
1
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Sat 11 Oct, 2014 05:56 am
@bec-suzie5685,
My friend recently married a guy who's head over heals for her. She's a policy analyst for a large government ministry, well travelled and educated. He's a car mechanic. He isn't interested in the same intellectual pursuits as her, he's less educated and nowhere near as polished...but she summed it up nicely:
"Do I want to come home every night to a man I can talk shop with, or do I want to come home to a man who loves me?"
There's got to be more than the guy loves her obviously…she's crazy about him too, but if you are intellectualizing too much, maybe you should stop that.
0 Replies
Germlat
1
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Sat 11 Oct, 2014 06:33 am
@bec-suzie5685,
It sounds to me like you're still hung-up on your ex. I think when you love someone you know it. Enumerating and even acknowledging someone's great qualities is nice but--it won't make you fall in love. You've been with this man for 3.5 years, and you still wish your ex had picked you. You're comparing him to your ex and falls short of your expectations. I don't think your current relationship can grow if you aren't able to detach yourself from a previous one.
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