My boyfriend came out - I don't want to lose him

Reply Mon 29 Sep, 2014 03:38 pm
Recently, my boyfriend of 4 years came out to me. He has basically known more or less forever, but has never really dealt with it properly. He said he still loves me and he doesn't care about what anyone thinks now, he just has been worried about hurting me. He also said that none of our relationship has been a lie, and I guess that part confuses me quite a bit.

The issue I am having is not with him being gay, because he has been my best friend for so long, and I want to support him through what has clearly been a difficult time. I love him so much and can't bare the thought that he won't be in my life, which is why it's so important to me to stay friends with him.

Everyone keeps telling me they admire how strong, supportive and kind I've been to him since he came out but I don't feel strong because I'm struggling to get over the loss of relationship.

I'm just worried about how I am going to cope with not seeing him as often, or not knowing what he's up to all the time... Even if he makes new friends or boyfriends, it's none of my business anymore. Has anyone been through this? Were you able to stay friends? Are you still as good friends as you always have been?
Reply Mon 29 Sep, 2014 06:12 pm
4 Years is a long time to be with someone. I honestly think that he acted reaaly wrong by having you as his gf for so long if he already knew he was gay.

But never is to late, at least you didnĀ“t marry him. I know a case of a family friend. The couple was married and already had a kid, she tried suicide when she discovered he cheated on her with a man. It didnpt ended well.

The best you can do is take this great opporunity that life gave you and run away from that relationship as far as you can. It will only cause you pain.

Move on, do not waste time. Do not contact him. It will hurt but is the best. Do it for your emotional health.
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Reply Tue 30 Sep, 2014 06:58 am
Most likely, he has someone in mind that he wants to be with. Be prepared to handle that.

It will take time for your to decide how, what, and where you are going to fit into his "new" lifestyle. I really doubt if there's going to be an on-going friendship between you two after the dust settles.

This scenario tends to be very humiliating for the one left behind. I hope you have strength to get thru this.

Good luck.
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Reply Tue 30 Sep, 2014 06:00 pm
I've never been through it, no, but my employer of many years eventually came out to his wife. They were dear friends. They loved each other. Nobody wanted to hurt anybody. It's one thing to know something, but another thing to ratify it by admitting it aloud to yourself and to others. Anyway, they divorced. He met and fell in love with a wonderful guy.

Although I'm sure it is a difficult process on many levels, I don't think it's such a strange thing really. My boss remained very good friends with his ex-wife, and, whenever she came to town after that. she always stayed with them. They are mature, thoughtful people. While I wish your guy had never started a romantic relationship with you, or told you so much earlier, it's good he finally had the courage to say something. At the same time, I'm sorry for your heartache.

I have a good friend whose parents divorced, but often spent Christmas time together as a family. Years later (At least 30) when they were both in their mid-seventies, they moved back in together. Not as romantic partners, but as friends. That doesn't seem that strange to me either. I think it depends on the people... doesn't it?

You sound like a mature, thoughtful person too. I'm pretty sure you'll get through the heartacheā€¦ the way most of us do when love affairs end. I also think it's possible you could end up retaining a meaningful friendship with your ex... if you want to.

Give it some time. You'll see.

Best wishes. Hang in there.
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Reply Tue 30 Sep, 2014 07:30 pm
He's gone get on with your life unless you are looking for aids.
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Reply Tue 30 Sep, 2014 07:58 pm
I went through something similar many years ago, 1970. My boy friend, whom I was crazy about, couldn't bring himself to tell me. Many weren't out of the closet back in 1970.

Long later, I realized he had tried to tell me one day on the beach, brought up homosexuality, and I said something like dysfunctional (I forget the word I used, started with d). He gave up, was tense. I didn't get it. We broke up a few weeks later, me completely puzzled (he remains high in my assessment of my best lovers, so he might have been bi back then).

He called once in a while, platonic talks, maybe once or twice a year, as we went on with our lives. He moved to San Francisco - having been from Washington State, so it was closer to his old friends and family. I had no clue about San Francisco life styles..
I had one new boyfriend, and then in another couple of years met my husband.
Worked, had an art gallery too, busy with my life.

About ten years later, I knew more about people and put two and two together, and called him. Yep!
Some time later, when my husband were on a San Francisco trip, we all met up.
Husband dropped me off after meeting him and old boyfriend and I had lunch and a great talk. He had found a mate, and is still with that mate, last I heard (we're all older now). It's about thirty years since that day we met in San Francisco, and we still periodically stay in touch.

We did always like each other as people, which is how we could stay friends.

Anyway, my story fits with Joeblow's employer friend's.
Reply Tue 30 Sep, 2014 08:07 pm
I should add I have a couple of other gay friends who had been married and later were still friends with their former wives.

So that's possible for some... after people let each other go.
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