Life sentence of a cheather and the 'other woman'

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When i was 14 years old, my dad had an affair and left our family for this new woman. for the first year or so after he left, my relationship with my father was very rocky. I wanted nothing to do with the woman that he cheated on my mom with and he refused to not involve her in our lives. the other woman was also a bit younger than my dad and acted immaturely. she fought with my mother when they were in public together, she made comments about my sister and I and refused to let us see our dad without her being around. in the end, it was easier to have no contact with my father and I didn't speak to him but a dozen or so times over the course of 13 years.
throughout that time, he made attempts at contacting me and though I wouldn't fight with him, i stood fast that I didn't want anything to do with him because of "what he had done to our family".
then about 6 months ago, he stopped by my home in an attempt just to "see how I was doing". I left him and his wife (the same woman he had the affair with, 13 year prior) into my home and caught up with them for a few hours. my husband encouraged me to continue to talk to my dad and i since have. my husband defends that while what he did many years ago was wrong, he doesn't deserve to be punished forever and he has never stopped trying to be a part of my life. my dad and i have spoken or seen each other about once a week for the last 5 months.
while i wont totally forget what he did to our family and there is no justification for the wrong doings he did, i seem to feel that enough is enough. over 13 years, he had tried numerous times to be involved in my life and i feel like he has served his punishment for what he did. he missed out on my graduations from high school, college, and my wedding and those are things he will never get back.
my inner struggle is this. One, is it ok to just sort of pass over what he did? there are people that kill other people and get a shorter 'sentence' than what my father got. im not sure i can ever totally forgive him, but i feel like i can get past it...is that ok?
and two, obviously everyone has done a lot of growing up over the last 13 years and my father's wife, though she was the "other woman" at one point, has stood by my father for all these years and honestly, they seem to get along quite well and be quite happy. I find myself ok to talk to her and almost befriend her. But I feel guilty. my mother keeps asking me how i can even look at a woman that has done such a heinous thing. i want my response to be, its been over a decade, who cares... but at the same time... what she did was wrong. and the way she treated my mother and acted towards my sister and i was wrong.

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@JillianRae,

Only you can decide whether it's "right" or "wrong". I would say, though, that to me, personally, I think your husband's got the right idea. It was awful, yes, but at some point, the Statute of Limitations runs.

Since you don't mention how your mother feels about all of this, that makes me wonder - is she alive? Have you not told her? Or just not asked her what she thinks? I think choosing between parents is a lousy thing to have to do and if I were you I wouldn't feel comfortable if you were holding out the olive branch and then your mother was insisting that you snatch it back.

So I am going to go with your mother either being no longer alive or no longer caring one way or the other. If that's the case, then I'd suggest that at some point in time, sit down with your father. This isn't a screaming fight or anything. But tell him - this was hard. It hurt me and my sister, and our mother. I am willing to get past it all because I want to have a future relationship with you, and I can see that your relationship with your second wife is long term and not just some flash in the pan. But I want you to know that there is still pain there. I don't want it to be unacknowledged.

And then sit back and listen to whatever he says. He might get defensive. He might try to explain himself. He might reveal not so nice things about your mother (which may or may not be accurate or unexaggerated, I might add). Or he might ask for your forgiveness.

I think this will solve a few things - you wouldn't just be going along to get along and sweeping the older problems under the rug. You would also be allowing that your stepmother is someone important to your father.

You've got a different family, to be sure (although not so different these days). You need to navigate a few rocky inlets. But I think the main idea is that you and your father are trying to have a relationship again. To give it more solid underpinnings, I'd suggest addressing this now, rather than later (and maybe with the help of a qualified therapist).

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@jespah,

I don't mention my mother because she has no idea im speaking to my father. while what my dad did was wrong and his second wife made things even worse, my mother was no help. She was the "only parent we had left". so... we did as she wanted. it was easier to cut our dad completely out of our lives than deal with the guilt our mom would put on us. When our dad first left, he would call the house and on many occasion, my mom would pick the phone up and slam it back down. she would leave it off the hook so it would ring busy for hours on night he was suppose to come and get us. she would delete messages he would leave without letting us know and throw away cards and things he would send. she would insist that we instruct our father to come to our school events alone, and if he brought his wife we were to banish him from the game or event we were participating in. our mothers stance was if our father came, she would not. with that being said, there were occasions where my father wife would cause a scene if she did come, she would say mean things to my mom (or so we were told.... a part of me feels like maybe my mother initiated the fighting and my dads second wife, being very young... immaturely fought back). Still to this day, at almost 30 years old, i fear the fight that will happen between my mom and i when she finds out im talking to him. and the guilt she will make me feel for not being stronger and standing up for what is right and how disappointed she is in me.

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@JillianRae,

Oh, man. My heart goes out to you and your sister. Your parents (the three of them, actually) fought a war and you and your sister were the battlefield.

13 years, and your mother could still get unhinged by all of this? Oy.

You're an adult and are entitled to live your life as you so choose (and you've been a legal adult for a good 9 years now). Like I said before, it would stink to be pushed to choose. But if your mother goes apeshit and pushes for that, maybe it's time to find a way (wish I knew a diplomatic way of doing this) to suggest that maybe she could use a few sessions with a therapist. She should have a Statute of Limitations, too.

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@JillianRae,

You are setting yourself up as judge for your father. This is not a good place for you to be. Not only can you not possibly be a good judge (a good judge is impartial), it isn't fair to you to be in that position, and you have no right to punish him.

My advice is this; stop playing judge.

There is really one question here; do you want a relationship with your father?

If the answer is yes, then you need to get over the hurt of what happened in the past and focus on your relationship with him now. You can't make him pay for your opinion of what happened.

If you don't want a relationship with your father, then you just walk away. In either case holding on to anger is fruitless.

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@JillianRae,

I think your mom is wrong . She has no place in the relationship /bond between you and your father. I think your dad has proven over the years that he wants to be close to you. I think your mom is being selfish.

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This often happens as the kids grow up - Now they can see that there might be two sides to the story.

Your dad left your mom for another woman - and your mother blocked all communication with him, at the expense of you and your siblings. Hurting people do hurting things.

Forgive your dad for not making more of an effort (legally) to see you. Your mom needs to be forgiven too, for what she did.

What kind and how intense your relationship will be with both of these parents is up to you. That is about TODAY and what kind of people these folks are and if you want to be around them.

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@JillianRae,

I agree what others have said here - your mother used you and your sister as a tool to get back at your father. How is his relationship with your sister?

Reality is, that you don't know what went wrong in your parents marriage - it's usually not just as easy as having an affair and leaving the family. I am sure your father's decision to leave was not an easy one. Your mother shows great contempt, even after all these years, which makes me think that she wasn't easy to live with in good times either and that's in addition to blackmailing her two children into not seeing their father and even to this day, you feel guilty having a relationship with him. It is very unfortunate that your mother let her kids suffer for something they had no say in.

Don't let her continue to a) make you feel guilty and b) miss out on a relationship with your father and his wife. I can't imagine how terrible he must have felt to miss the milestones of your life, especially your wedding.

If you want a relationship with your father, your mother has to understand. It was bad enough that she manipulated you in younger years, don't let her continue.

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@CalamityJane,

I'm agreeing with all so far.

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@JillianRae,

Your dad must be a saint. You have spent 13 years pushing him away and yet he keeps coming back. A lot of people would have given up by this time and moved on. You haven't been punishing him but rather punishing yourself by keeping him out of your life.

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@CalamityJane,

My sister has no relationship with my dad. the few times he has tried to contact her, she yells terrible things at him, tells him she hates him and she will never forgive him for leaving and for not being there as we grew up. she calls my step mother a whore and home wrecker. and while their relationship was the highlight of him leaving my mom, my parents marriage and relationship was far from perfect before the affair even started. Hes not totally innocent, there were times he said things he shouldn't and acted in ways he should not have. and he was never good about turning the other cheek when my mom would harass him in public. but my sister is very much so like my mom, irrational, unable to be convinced, and not willing to see others perspective. so she and I don't have a real strong relationship.

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That's OK and that's between them.

Don't feel you have to be the peacemaker in the family.

Have a relationship with whomever you want to. Be firm with others that you are running your life and let the cards fall wherever.

You don't need approval from others now. You are a wife and need to protect your own mental health and marriage. Let them rage or cut you off. Let them in or out. It's all up to you now.

Trust your instincts and clear thinking. You are on the right track in figuring this out.

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The true story between your parents is one you will probably never know. I think it is likely more complex than your dad found someone else. Either way, your dad came out the villain, but it's been a long time. My father publicly cheated on my mom (to the point of inviting his mistress over to the house on numerous occasions) and after years of trying to work it out, my mom divorced him. I know where you are at. I have a good relationship with both my parents, I don't discuss one with the other and I don't tolerate any bad mouthing. All my siblings are in a different place and I have to let them live with that.

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@JillianRae,

Jillian, your post was heartrendingly sad and yet I'm full of hope that you will manage to forgive and eventually love your family unconditionally.
Even if your mother or sister don't reciprocate; you'll be able to leave the past and get on with your life.

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@JillianRae,

'my mother keeps asking me how i can even look at a woman that has done such a heinous thing. i want my response to be, its been over a decade, who cares... but at the same time... what she did was wrong. and the way she treated my mother and acted towards my sister and i was wrong.'

It is always gets me how women don't see that 'that woman' hadn't done anything heinous. Its the father of the family who approached her and asked her to be with him. And why she agreed - we all know how that works. Don't we?

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Life sentence of a cheather and the 'other woman'

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