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How to end a relationship of 6years?

 
 
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 04:14 am
Hello everybody...

Here's my situation, really would appreciate your input.

I've been dating a girl for more than 5years... more than a 6months ago we moved in together. Before that, we used to see each other every other day for about 2-3hours...

Now that we've moved in together, the relationship is getting sourer from day to day... Of course we have good days, but since we've moved in together the relationship is not the same (obviously).... I really feel there's a dark cloud above us on most days. We've already had huge arguments and now after so much bickering from her side, I've started to really grow apart from her. Btw, we used to joke that after we moved in, we would be sore from so much sex we would have. Now that we do sleep with eachother everyday, we only have sex once or twice a week at most.

We're pretty different people, have different personalities, but always thought that it was cute and made us get along so well. Now, our differences make us clash almost on a daily basis, on almost every subject. Besides, I've really put some thought into this and feel that not only don't I want to marry her, I also really don't want a son of mine to be her parents' grandson or her brothers' or sisters' nephew. (I really dislike her side of the family as they're fake and think they're so much better than everybody else)

Breaks my heart that I have to tell my parents that they'll have to wait more for a grandson... that's another reason why I don't want to break it up.. my parents like her a lot.

I really like her, find her beautiful, very sweet and truly breaks my heart whenever I see her sad and/or crying about our downward spiral. Sometimes I wish she would just break up with me so that it would be over with. I can't even antecipate the misery she'll be in if I broke up with her (I'm not trying to brag, I just know her enough to know houw it would go down)

I don't know what to make of this... to keep it simple, if it weren't for all the sadness that will come from her side, seeing her miserable, having to watch her pack up her stuff, I would already have broke it up no problem. If I could fast forward all her sadness I would've already done it.

But I can't find the courage to do it, to make her so sad, to throw away almost 6years of pictures, videos, private jokes, how can I let this all go?
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 06:44 am
@TyrionGuy,
Are you sure this isn't a matter of cold feet by one or both of you two? Having in-laws you're not crazy about shouldn't be a show-stopper. Have you already made up your mind to break up or move out?

However, if you two were a successful couple, maybe it's best you don't live together? Or maybe you need to both find a middle-ground. for example, most long-term couples..whether married or just cohabitating...having sex once or twice per week is satisfactory. however ifd you or she feels that is not enough, that is something to explore...but not worth breaking up over.

You both sound like you might need to engage in some non-defensive dialogues. How about counseling, perhaps? You seem to care for her deeply...and concerned for her. Perhaps you both could benefit from a 3rd-party who is objective to help sort this out?
Quote:
We're pretty different people, have different personalities...

This is pretty vague so I'll try to answer this the best way I can until you explain the major differences that now bother you both.

Generally speaking, the people who become successful couples ARE quite different from one another. It'd be pretty boring if the couple were carbon copies. The important trait is mutual tolerance and having complementary aspects within those differences and honoring them. Avoid power struggles...because in long-term couples it often boils down to a tug-of-war over who has the final word.

For example, one person might tend to be a saver and the other enjoys a treat or luxury every now and then (hopefully, within budget).

One person could be an extrovert and likes to be around people as much as possible; whereas the other could be an introvert who likes to limit their socializing. The art of compromise is what balances things out -- either by attending smaller parties..or having shorter social group dates.
TyrionGuy
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 08:12 am
@Ragman,
Thank you for your answer. Cold feet in what sense? I know she wants to marry me. She's already told me a ton of times... "when we get married" "when we have children" etc etc... I really wanted to marry her a couple years ago when I had to work abroad just to prove to her that being away would only strengthen our relationship.... but refrained from it because I knew that I would only know her well after being with her 24/7...

No, I don't think lack of sex is means for breaking up... but it just means how bad our relationship has got, because we would have sex in wild places when we lived with our parents, and took some risks because we desired eachother so much... now that we have a place and privacy, we should be doing it several times per day... and I'm just not in the mood because of all the fighting and dark cloud above us.

Major differences: Me: I like having a good time with my friends, tell awfull dirty jokes, make a fool out of myself just to make them laugh. I'm extroverted, like to talk loud to be funny, I don't care about what I look like to other people, I don't care what people say about me (i.e. I don't have the need to keep up apearances) and don't like to gossip about other people's lives. I almost never dress formally. A t-shirt, some jeans or baggy pants and a pair of adidas and I'm good to go. I like to keep things simple. At home I like to have my stuff relatively tidy, specially bedroom, living-room and kitchen.

She is the opposite. Introverted, has said in some occasions that my way of clothing has embarrased her, which caused a huge fight. 4 her it's very important to keep up appearances, so she never says or acts like herself, preferring to act acording to what people would like. Never making any waves. Likes to stay classy almost all the time. At home she's never tidy, leaving used tampons in the bathroom sink, leaving bowl after bowl of breakfast on her nightstand - This untidyness really anoys me... and it really annoys her when I call her on it... she gets really pissed.

You bring up a good point. I'm the saver, she's the spender.. she doesn't mind spending all her monthly salary in some useless thing... I believe it's not responsible... We need to save for our future, and our supposed kids... She doesn't seem to grasp that either.

We have our friends and as for that we all get along. No problem there.
panzade
 
  4  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 09:06 am
You've already found the problem
Quote:
I'm the saver, she's the spender..

The #1 cause of divorce is money.

All this stuff about parents wanting grand kids and biological clocks is superfluous.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Do yourself a favor. End it and look for someone more compatible.
You'll be glad you did.
TyrionGuy
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 09:21 am
@panzade,
Thank you for your answer.
Money defenitley is not the problem... It's the smallest of our problems really. There are some arguments here and there, sometimes she "wins" othertimes I "win"...

I guess one of my biggest problems is her lack of respect for me... her passive-aggressive atitude everyday, her bickering, and when we argue, she goes all-out, yelling, name-calling, storming out of the house... all her classiness goes out the window. And sometimes just because I don't like to gossip. Like "Hey, you know Bill broke up with Jen because yada yada yada? I think he's in the wrong because yada yada yada. What do you think?"

I don't usually entertain that conversation because it's none of my business and I say "I don't know... I don't know the ins and outs of their relationship. It's none of my business"

and here comes the argument...

TyrionGuy
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 09:27 am
@TyrionGuy,
Quote:
and here comes the argument...


or sometimes, it's the other way around... she gets all silent and doesn't talk to me.. plays games on her phone, refreshing facebook, whatever....

And now it doesn't even affect me...
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 09:45 am
How old is she (I think you've mentioned that earlier so please forgive me if it's been asked before)? This just seems to be young adult/juvenile behavior on her part.

I'm with panzade. Money is a big dealbreaker in relationships. It's not necessarily that one person is bankrupting the other. It's more that the attitudes differ too much. And if one's behavior is undermining the other's, then that's a problem, whether the area is money, the neatness of the home, the frequency of sexual relations, vacation plans, or anything else. You don't have to be identical in order to be on the same page.
TyrionGuy
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 10:10 am
@jespah,
thank you Jespa =)

I'm 5 years older... she's late 20's I'm early 30's... yep undermining, that's it... The fact that she continues to be untidy, makes me feel that I'm just talking to thin air.

I just feel miserable that there's a possibility that the break up can go through... I just know how miserably this will go...
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 10:35 am
@TyrionGuy,
Many of the things you talk about that seems to be issues can be worked out --- if you are both willing to. The dressing part for example, would be nice if you could both compromise a bit. Maybe when you go out, you dress up a bit for her and when you are hanging or not doing anything special - you dress comfortably.

Being in a committed relationship is making compromises. My husband is an extrovert and I am an introvert and these differences actually make us together better...he is a spender I am a saver, again these differences make each of us better. I pull the reins in when he goes overboard and he gets me to spend more for some fun things as well. But you need to both let go a bit.

The extended families should be ignored. It is nice to have an extended family where you get along, but you cannot control that. You need to work on each other.

If you feel (and she does) you are unable to compromise or do not feel it is worth working hard on it, then tell her the truth -- this is not working, you are moving a part -- she may be relieved to hear it from you as she may be thinking the same thing (I hope he breaks up with me so I don't break his heart).

Before I met my husband, I dated a man for over 6 years -- we didn't live together, but it seemed we were falling apart. I finally decided I needed to tell him we should split. He didn't seem overally upset -- maybe shocked a bit, but not upset. Funny thing within a year I met future husband and we dated only about a year before we got married.

maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 10:45 am
@TyrionGuy,
It sounds to me like you know the relationship is over and you are afraid of the sadness that is an inevitable part of any breakup.

Grief is part of life. Things happen. You deal with it You are sad for a while and then you get over it and move on. This is true for you. This is true for her. Sorry, but there is no way around this.

There is nothing to be gained by dragging on in a relationship that isn't working. The pain has already started. The best thing for you, and for her, is to get it over with quickly.

Be honest. Be direct. Be clear. Be decisive. This is the kindest thing for you to do. Once you do this, you and she can both start healing and move on.


TyrionGuy
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 10:52 am
@Linkat,
thank you Linkat.

Unfortunately we're both stubborn. I though I would be the more stubborn of the two, but no.. We used to compromise. Example: I would dress neet somedays, and she would dress in a more sporty style. In the beggining she even bought me a t-shirt filled with skulls etc... (that's my style) and she would wear baggy jeans etc, and I would wear a collar shirt, dress shoes etc. As time went on, she stopped compromising, and never went back... As time went on I started to feel like a jackass, because I would still wear those classic clothes and she wouldn't dress "trashier"... So now I will not put in the effort until she does... we talked about it btw... She's just stubborn. She comes from a coddling household where her every wish would be satisfied... so that's it.

The same happens on the other issues we have.. we reach a compromise and then after a while she starts doing things her own way..

Even at our house, we promised eachother that we wouldn't buy stuff for the house (furniture, etc) without the consent of the other party... two months later, there it was... new stuff at home I didn't like and didn't "approve".... Sometimes I really feel like lighting up the fireplace and burn everything I didn't "approve" =(
0 Replies
 
Germlat
 
  3  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 10:53 am
@TyrionGuy,
Sounds to me like you are ready to exit the relationship. Don't string her along. There is no wrongdoing in falling out of love. If you don't get out, you will resent her and end up mistreating her. Pain is unavoidable . Before having "the talk" with her, make sure you have what you need in place. Make sure your finances are separate(close joint accounts etc),have an alternate place to live, have are your documents organized, your stuff divided, etc. After you leave(or she leaves), don't have contact for a while...that will make the transition easier. Be fair to her and don't leave her in a mess. Don't point fingers at what you consider her bad qualities( this will only hurt her and make her angry ). Practice what you will say to her and be as gentle as possible. Before you do all that, ask yourself this question, "Am I ready to let her go? Are you ok with her having another man in her life ?(not about your ego but your feelings). If you can honestly answer yes , then the relationship is already over.
TyrionGuy
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 10:58 am
@maxdancona,
Thank you so much for your response...

That's really it... I'm afraid of all the sadness this will bring. I don't want to bring that amount to pain to her... I don't know if she will be able to handle it (because of all that coddling she was used to at her home)

I feel that too... there's no point in continuing to be miserable in a relationship... This is my first very long relationship... I always had 6month relationships and it was easy to brak up... I never broke up such a long relationship
0 Replies
 
TyrionGuy
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 11:02 am
@Germlat,
Thank you....

our stuff is separated. we both have our parents' places to go back to... As for having a new man in her life... yes.. the other day she went out with her friends and thought that I couldn't care less if she came home and said, I'm sorry but I made out with a guy in the bar... It would be an easy out...
Germlat
 
  3  
Reply Tue 26 Aug, 2014 03:29 pm
@TyrionGuy,
TyrionGuy wrote:

Thank you....

our stuff is separated. we both have our parents' places to go back to... As for having a new man in her life... yes.. the other day she went out with her friends and thought that I couldn't care less if she came home and said, I'm sorry but I made out with a guy in the bar... It would be an easy out...

Practice what you are going to say. Avoid placing any blame on her( it'll just piss her off), remember she cares and you don't . Things to avoid: you know you weren't happy either(. Don't tell her how she feels). Don't tell her how she's not what you need and proceed to explain her deficiencies( this will only make it unpleasant for both). Tell her you value the time you had together and all you've learned. Don't console her...it can lead to a guilt trap. If you haven't already...Stop having sex with her. Best luck.
TyrionGuy
 
  1  
Reply Wed 27 Aug, 2014 04:42 am
@Germlat,
Thank you Germlat...

I think I'm already in a Guilt trap... I know it's a bad feeling to be sorry for her, but I know her too well to be sure that this will leave her in a very very rough spot... (I was her first btw).... It will require tons of courage...
maxdancona
 
  4  
Reply Wed 27 Aug, 2014 06:20 am
@TyrionGuy,
Tyrion, she is an adult. Breaking up is part of life. All of us go through it. She will be OK.

I think you are making it more difficult than it is. Yes, it is emotionally painful for her and for you. But it is something that has to happen. You just do it and get it over with. The sooner the better.

You should definitely have the talk in person. Actually, I don't think what you say is that important (she probably won't pay attention to anything but the fact you are breaking up) as long as you aren't cruel. You should be willing to answer questions she has.

After that, remember you are ex-boyfriend. You are not going to be the person to console her. That isn't your job and you will have no ability to do that. She is an adult and she will get over you on her own with her friends. Your job is to get out of her life so she can move on.

It's painful. But there are things in life that are painful. But it isn't difficult. And, it is the right thing to do. The sooner you get this taken care of, the less pain for your girlfriend and for you.
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Wed 27 Aug, 2014 06:42 am
@TyrionGuy,
Quote:
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Do yourself a favor. End it and look for someone more compatible.
You'll be glad you did.

I couldn't agree more.

You've shown that you two are caught ... or better put ... STUCK...in a power struggle. However, one thing should be addressed: you two are not good roommates for one another. Frankly, that part would be best for you two to stop. She really has some bad unsanitary habits which I'd never be able to handle.

Lastly some of those personal and maturity issues/habits you talked about are enough of a cause to break up with a woman if I were in that situation.

[Edit: From what I just re-read, you're just hanging on until she breaks it off so you won't be the bad guy. That's not a valid reason to stay together.]
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 27 Aug, 2014 06:58 am
@Ragman,
agreed with the two above.

The thing is by you hanging on -- you are just avoiding the inevidentable and are actually being more cruel as a result. I think (and I can say this because I have done it before) you are avoiding a situation you are afraid of dealing with and will cause you grief and being in an uncomfortable situation.

Better pull the band aide off quickly - the pain will be there, but quicker rather than linger. You are being cruel in a way in that by not doing this now, she is delaying going on with her life -- you are holding her back.

I know you think you are trying to be nice, but in the long run this is more cruel than ending it when you know it should be over.

I think you know this though and simply are being human and trying to avoid it - in part because it is very difficult to potentially hurt another person - maybe in part too because you do not look forward the scence you expect. Just think of how you feel when this is all done and things will be better for both of you.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Wed 27 Aug, 2014 08:40 am
Don't make me come down there and sing Let it Go.
0 Replies
 
 

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