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Am I doing the right thing?

 
 
cc123
 
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2014 02:53 pm
I was asked by a guy who I really like a few months back to go to prom with him and I said yes. When I came home that day I found my Mom stressing over bills and loans. In that moment I knew I couldn't go to prom.

I was so excited to go I've been planning this since I was 12. I knew the dress I wanted to get and everything but when I added up how much everything would cost I knew there was no way I could put my mom through that amount over 1000.

My prom is at the end of the month and people are making assumptions that I'm not going because I have no one to go with and there is now way I'm going to say no and anyway I don't care about other people's opinions when it comes to what I do for my family. It's because there is no way in hell I would put my Mom through that stress and also because this is something I am never going to tell my Mom the real reason why I'm not going because I don't want to upset her.

My Mom & my grandmother are upset that I'm not going and keep pestering me about this and I'm getting upset because I'd love to go but I can't and I can't tell them why without insulting them. She has paid for my brother to do his but his came under the 200 bracket. For a girl there's the dress, limo etc & if I didn't get all these it would still cost a lot since they booked it in a really fancy 5 star restaurant and hotel.

I just need reassurance that I'm doing the right thing, so, am I?
 
roger
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2014 02:57 pm
@cc123,
Yes. Unknown to most, there is a whole raft of people who not only do not attend their own proms, the are completely uninterested.

Better tell your date as soon as possible. He might have time to make other arrangements. He might even propose a date with you on the same evening, which would be a nice development indeed.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2014 02:59 pm
@cc123,
You don't need a limo. You don't need a super-fancy dress (try thrift shops, worn only once places - look online). Don't eat at the restaurant. Don't stay at the hotel.

Can you afford it then?

This might be time for crafting a compromise, and that might be a way to do it. Imperfect? For sure. But it's one way to do it (BTW, old fogies like me come from an era when prom meant a nice party in the school gym and you went out for fast food afterwards and the biggest expenses were dress and tux rental. People drove their own cars or they borrowed their parents'. The world did not end).

If a compromise absolutely cannot be forged, then make it clear to your mother - you love her and don't want to put her out for this. Your life is special enough. You don't need an overly expensive prom to convince anyone - especially not yourself - of that.
Romeo Fabulini
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2014 03:01 pm
Quote:
cc123 said: there's the dress, limo etc & if I didn't get all these it would still cost a lot since they booked it in a really fancy 5 star restaurant and hotel.

Just get a nice dress that doesn't cost the earth, and get a taxi instead of a limo.
That'll just leave the cost of getting into the hotel..Smile
0 Replies
 
cc123
 
  2  
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2014 03:03 pm
@jespah,
I though of that but the tickets still include the meal which is alot of money and the place is nearly 2 hours away and taxi's would be expensive to come out there and no one is going home I could catch a ride off.

I just don't want her pitying me on the night because I didn't go and I feel even more low because I'm her only daughter and I think this feels to her like a milestone she won't be able to see in my life even though I'm doing this for her.
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  -1  
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2014 03:05 pm
Just tell your mum and gran and boyfriend that you're not going because you can't afford it, and see what happens..Wink
0 Replies
 
cc123
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2014 03:16 pm
@cc123,
The thing is now it's too late to get the tickets so I can't go anyway. If I tried to bring this up I think my Mom would just think I didn't go because no one asked me which is what I told her when I decided on not going.

I can deal with any feelings that night I think when I look at my nan and mom and know I did it for them. I don't have any bad feelings toward her for this or blame her in anyway. The recession is hitting everyone very hard at the moment so i guess we all have to make sacrifices.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2014 03:29 pm
@cc123,
Truth is, I didn't go to mine because my boyfriend was a bullied kid and he didn't want to deal with the guys who'd been harassing him. Maybe talk to the fellow - you appreciate his invitation, can you two go and do something else, either that night or some time soon?

It's not identical but it doesn't have to be. As for your mother, if I were your mother, I'd be damned proud that I raised a child that considerate of my circumstances.

You done good.
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2014 03:45 pm
Quote:
cc123 said: it's too late to get the tickets so I can't go anyway

Well that's alright then, you can be happy you never drained your mum of cash for just a silly prom..Smile
(Incidentally we don't have proms here in England because we can't see the point of them)
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2014 06:08 pm
Ahem, I have read that proms are happening in England.

Anyway, I think you have done well too, as Jespah said.
If this ever comes up again, I completely agree with her on things like no limousine and prom dress from a thrift or consignment shop.

Me, I had proms to go to as a junior in high school and senior in high school. We were also a family strapped for money. I went to a girls' high school. I asked the boy at work who had given me a teddy bear for christmas, and we had dinner made by us - my parents and I were living at my aunt's house. Another prom couple came to the house for dinner too. I've no memory of that dress or where the prom was, but not as far away as yours. I think the other girl's father drove us all and waited for us. Decades later, I saw that guy's name in the LA Times newspaper (he was some kind of art director for Disney) and called him. He was very happy to hear from me since he thought I was someone else calling (the girl he must have had a crush on after me....)

Then there was the senior prom. I knew even fewer boys at that point, but my parents didn't want me to miss it and told me, not asked me, that my father's business associate had a son that would be glad to go with me. Gahhhhh. My mother made me a dress, quite the modest dress. The guy turned out to be quite cute and nice and we did have a pleasant time (no romance). Again, it was at a country club not more than a mile or two away. A parent drove, no celebration before or afterward.

Given the whole thing about an expensive dinner and long drive, I think you were thoughtful and smart.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2014 07:29 pm
@cc123,
cc123 wrote:

I was asked by a guy who I really like a few months back to go to prom with him and I said yes.


did you say no to the guy after this?

Are you friends with him? is he going to the prom with someone else?

Do you have other friends/classmates who aren't going to the prom? do you think you could organize a small inexpensive (pizza/movie night sort of thing) get-together with that group? no need to stay home just because you're not going to the prom

(my grad class cancelled our prom - donated the money that would have been spent to the school for some landscaping it needed - we went to the beach for a day instead)
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Aug, 2014 06:15 am
I looked up 'prom' on the net and see it's just a dance, so it beats me why it's so expensive, it looks like it's just a money-making idea for the organisers to fleece kids..Wink
0 Replies
 
cc123
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Aug, 2014 09:44 am
@ossobuco,
It kinda gets to me though when my grandmother is giving sly digs like I thought your mother would be seeing you off and since I told my Mom that I had no one to go with she was saying oh I'll ask my friends son to go with you even though I was asked by the guy who I did really want to go with.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Mon 11 Aug, 2014 11:19 am
@cc123,
Some suggestions - could you borrow a dress? Buy one at a consignment shop? Or similar -- there is no reason you need a dress over $1K. We do not have financial problems (currently) in my family, but if my daughter wanted a dress for a prom that was over $1K I'd say go out and buy it yourself. That is more than what I spent on my wedding dress.

Another question, why is it so much more for a girl than a boy? I would think besides the dress, if a boy asked you to the prom, then he should be paying for the items such as transportation and prom tickets. If you asked then you should pay. However, if you decide to split the cost, then you could simply forgo some of the items -- no need for a limo. I love my daughter's school -- they do not allow limos -- things were getting costly, the school changed it policy. For students going to the prom, they need to take a bus from the high school to the prom and then return on the bus -- no overnight stays; late night crap. The idea of the night is the prom itself.

Do you have a job? Could you babysit or do some other type of work to get the money to pay for yourself.

But seeing now you cannot go -- why not come clean to your mom -- unless you do not want her to be hurt? Or just simply let her know you are really not that interested as it seems crazy to spend over a thousand dollars for one night when you could go out with a group of friends and just hang and have even more fun.

I honestly think the expenses of some of these proms get so out of hand, I am glad my daughter's school has ensured there are cut backs -- doesn't stop the $1k dresses, but at least all the extras.

0 Replies
 
 

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