Overwhelmed

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I saw someone in need of a compliment so I told her she is intoxicating.
She asked what I meant by that so I told her.
Now we're in love and stealing time to spend together.
We haven't done much physical. Hold hands, hug, hold each other, kisses on the cheek or head.

We both are mid forties and married and really want to be able to make this work without hurting our spouses or the kids.

Now before you beat us up please note that we didn't go looking for this. The "right" thing to do is get a divorce or fix our marriages according to popular culture. Neither of us believe in divorce and telling our spouses serves no purpose other than to do damage to the others in our lives we love.

We are both working on fixing things at home as well. What we are getting from each other is a telling sign of what we need to work on at home. The problem is that our spouses aren't making any progress on fixing things on the home front. This is enforcing our reliance on each other and we are now closer to each other than our spouses. We both complete each other and want to make this work. However neither of us wants a failed marriage.

Help!

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Type: Discussion • Score: 10 • Views: 945 • Replies: 15

@StruckByLightning,

What are you asking for? You don't believe in divorce, you don't want to get beat up, and you don't actually want to drop the budding romance. I don't see what that leaves. Personally, I think it an odd set of morals that allows this, and still has a problem with divorce.

Sorry to have been of little help, but you've shut every door I can think of.

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@StruckByLightning,

Quote:

Help!

what is the problem? I get that you are morally opposed to your reality, but you dont indicate that it is not working. I miss the days when having a paramore on the side was no big deal so long as it was discrete and the spouse was taken care of.

Quote:

Traditional Wedding Vows 1
I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

Traditional Wedding Vows 2
I, (name), take you, (name), to be my [opt: lawfully wedded] (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

Traditional Wedding Vows 3 (For a Civil Ceremony)
(Name), I take you to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife). Before these witnesses I vow to love you and care for you as long as we both shall live. I take you with all your faults and your strengths as I offer myself to you with my faults and strengths. I will help you when you need help, and I will turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life.

Traditional Wedding Vows 4
I, (name), take you, (name), to be my beloved (wife/husband), to have and to hold you, to honor you, to treasure you, to be at your side in sorrow and in joy, in the good times, and in the bad, and to love and cherish you always. I promise you this from my heart, for all the days of my life.

no where in here do I see where it is promised that we will lot hold, kiss, care for or have sex with others. The closest is the promise to be faithful but I look at it is more " I will always be there for you" and less that I have enslaved myself to another.

I used to really despise cheating but I am getting more forgiving about it in my old age. My wife and I are swingers, we are routinely intimate with others but with full knowledge of our spouse, we did this to get our needs met without cheating.

My advice: do nothing unless you are caught, and do everything you can to avoid being caught. If you are caught and your spouses both throw a fit then divorce and marry each other. This could turn out really bad but this is life, we are always rolling the dice.

I am not in favor of starving the soul.

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@StruckByLightning,

Roger has a point. It is not clear what you want. You do not give much otions to discuss. Maybe you want encouragment.

What i can add is the next. Every marriage is different. The concepts of faithfullness are variable betwen individuals. Like Hawkeye said. There are many types of strange formulas to kee a marriage. Many women are fine with a husband that has an affair, on the premise that everything is kept as secret as posible. Others prefer swinger formulas, and they make it work out. Others have free relationship marriages and both of the spouses have their adventures.

So the real asset here is aill your spouses tolerate such behavior. And if you are prepared to see your spouse cheat on you consequentedly. I had asked this question to some men when they are bluffing about their affairs, and almost always find out that they will consider a huge offense if their wives cheated on them. Marriage is a contract, and a commitment. You can settle terms as you like to make it work. But it will completely depend on what your SO will want and like. If he or she will not tolerate even a kiss on the cheek with another person. Then there is little you can do.

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@hawkeye10,

Well the cry for help was basically just that. I'm in a situation I could never have prepared for. I'm against cheating as well. I mean technically, where is that line? I feel like it's on the edge right now.

Typically I guess, I didn't have this experience before so I was adamantly against it. Now I'm dealing with two spouses that refuse to repair a relationship that works for them and not us. And us, two people trying to get our needs met while we fix things at home.

We both have faith based reasons for not divorcing and of course our sense of duty to our families.

I guess what I'm looking for is some kind of guidance. How can we push our spouses to fix stuff cause we're only human. At this point we feel like we are fighting the inevitable.

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@StruckByLightning,

Quote:

Well the cry for help was basically just that. I'm in a situation I could never have prepared for. I'm against cheating as well. I mean technically, where is that line? I feel like it's on the edge right now.

The line depends completely of your spouse. He or she can consider hugging or chatting as infidelity. Or they can tolerate something as far as esporadical sex.

Quote:

I guess what I'm looking for is some kind of guidance. How can we push our spouses to fix stuff cause we're only human. At this point we feel like we are fighting the inevitable.

Then marriage counseling for both couples.

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@StruckByLightning,

You cant make your spouses do anything, but you can get what you need from each other while keeping your families together. We moderns mostly have the idea that our marriage must provide for all of our needs, and if it does not then we are honor bound to do without. I find this to be inhumane. I say do your best to get what you need from your marriage, and if your soul desperately needs something more then dont beat yourself up for going outside your marriage to get it.

Be good to yourself, not just to others.

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@StruckByLightning,

A marriage breakup is not a failure. It is a failure to stay in a futile marriage which robs your happiness seeking soul. The fix things in a marriage idea is a common misguided action as most things that need to be fixed as identified by only one partner was actually quite evident from the start of a relationship. What really is happening is that love is falling over or the values one sees in their partner are disappearing or lost.

Vows schmows I need to say. A decoration on a cultural and religious legacy we need to hold onto as a fitting into our society action and self preservation necessity to most. Kids are resilient and can also flourish on a supposed marriage failure. We need to think of our own emotional and happiness seeking wellbeing in order to even enable a happy and stable relationship for yourselves and kids. If that is not achieved we need to consider the alternatives and consequences of those alternatives.

It is ok to end a marriage with children. It is a norm now and a lottery in the past. But a fortune lottery on par if one chooses to stay in a futile marriage. Staying for the sake of stability and security for yourself and others is not love anymore but companionship and cohabitation. A dimming of a happiness seeking soul which we have a right to more than providing for others.

Counseling is on the scale of low efficacy outcomes, as any identification of a need for such action is a broken part which needs replacing. Also to spring it on a partner which is perceived to be the problem is another nail in that partner's relationship coffin also - a damaged pride.

Do what needs to be done for you. This doesn't mean a hedonistic and whimsical approach which most will identify in such comment but a calculated and prudent self protection. The sort of ethics and morals which drags people off their happiness death bed and energizes themselves and dependent others into a hope of a flourishing happy life.

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So, you want folks here to tell you it's OK to cheat on your wife?

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@StruckByLightning,

Quote:

We both are mid forties and married and really want to be able to make this work without hurting our spouses or the kids.

Both of you are unhappy with who you've become, not your spouses.
Start there.

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Reveals an extreme lack of character to jump out before trying. What? Did she get fat? The new one will too.

1 Reply

@Lash,

Her boobs will sag, too . . . gravity's a bitch!

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@StruckByLightning,

You don't believe in divorce? What do you believe in?

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@StruckByLightning,

StruckByLightning wrote:

Now before you beat us up please note that we didn't go looking for this.

StruckByLightning wrote:

I saw someone in need of a compliment so I told her she is intoxicating.

First, stop telling yourself the lie that you weren't looking for this and it just happened. You don't tell a woman she is "intoxicating" by chance. You opened a door to see what would happen and the two of you walked through. There were a dozen chances to stop early on and you passed on all of them. At least own your behavior.

As to advice, think of a risk/reward matrix. When do you gain in this relationship versus what do you stand to lose. If you think the emotional benefit is worth the risk, then you know the answer. If you think the risks are too high, best to kill it hard now.

1 Reply

@engineer,

I agree but what this person gains/losses shouldn't be the only consideration. This affects all. Is it fair for the other husband and wife. Can he/she be fully invested in the marriage. Someone's getting screwed out of something. I think of all those husbands and wives who don't understand why their spouses don't want much sex. Is it fair for them to do without satisfaction? If this person is ok with cheating but not a divorce...maybe he could at least be fair and suggest an open relationship.

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@StruckByLightning,

Have you tried counseling?

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