I hate even waking up.

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Sorry if i miss spelled words or used bad words. I do apologize.
I am 29 years old . Iv been married for 11 years to the love of my life.
My husbad is 41 and we have five children four together ages 8, 9, 10, 12 and one who he had in a previous relationship he is 15. Wonderful amazing great kids. My husband works
works M-F 8am-430pm , im a stay at home mom to care for our children.
I clean the house all day everyday and hope my husband would be happy when he comes home but instead i get yelled at and called names like bitch , worthless, a leach, that i have no body. No friends no family he says bc no one wants to be around me. He tells me i have nothing bc im nothing and this is the way ill always be a piece of **** that amounts to nothing. He tells me not touch HIS stuff but gets mad if nothing is cleaned but gets mad if it is cleaned im so confused. He tells me on a daily basis to get the F**k out of HIS house that NO one wants me here and that he cant even stand looking at me anymore. When iv done nothing wrong. I dont understand why i cant just let him go but i cant i even stayed with him after he had sex with my older sister for a year behind my back and my twin sister for like 2 years behind my back. I really feel like im nothing. And i have no one. My mom passed away 2years ago and since then life has been pure hell for me. I know if i were to diebmy kids will be fine bc my husband treats them so very good i couldnt have picked a better father for them. But i really really cant take much more. I have attempted suicide in the past but obviously it did not work im still here. I cutt my wrists with a razor bc it lifts so much pain and all feelings away. Almost as like is numbs my whole body. Other then that i sleep all day and night on and off but cant seam to get out of bed. I feel like i dont belong in this world. Mg husband is right i have no friends i have no amily and my life has not amounted to nothing but ****. And i know he isnt lying when he says he dont love me or that he cant stand looking atbme or that he wants me to leave because he dont even go around me and when he does he says mean things like why are you still here go somewhere. Why do you wanna be somewhere where your unwanted. All i can do is cry. This is an everyday thing. Family nights the kids n him go out but with out me. These things hurt all hurt so bad bc i am a wonderful mother and person . I have the biggest heart ever . Im nott ugly or over waight. But bc of him i feel like ill no one else would want me, and im so very scared to be alone . He is all iv known for 13 years since i was 16
he was 28 . I Dont know what to do i never worked bc he didnt want me to so i have no money . Iv never had my drivers license bc he said there was no need for me to. And if i leave he will take all my kids from me. He said he can prove im an unfit parent bc i wont even have a place to live. Im scared. Im hurt. Im stressed and all i want is for this hell this so called life of mine to end. But bc of my kids i want to live and bc of my heart is still inlove with him i dont want to leave him. I know inside he is a good person. I just thank god for him being is so sweet and wonderful to our children and for not exsposing them to his verbal abuse way towards me.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 9 • Views: 1,075 • Replies: 14

This is not the love of your life.

The love of your life would not mistreat you, like this or any other way.

I urge you to begin to marshal your resources. You've got family, and you've got friends, yes (even not so close relatives)? These people can help you, even if it's only for a little while. Even if it's just to watch your kids for an hour so that you can rest or have some quiet time or just watch TV. And because you need counseling, to help you to find coping mechanisms that don't involve self-harm, and to help bolster your self-esteem so that you can get out of this toxic relationship.

You are a worthwhile person. You deserve to be treated fairly and properly. You deserve to be loved.

You aren't being loved right now, except by your children.

I urge you to lean on your network and talk to them - tell them what's been happening to you. Your husband is counting on your silence and isolation. Don't let him have those. And I urge you to get help, if not for yourself, then for the sake of your children.

I wish you all the best.

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@LonelyGirl2014,

This is extreme emotional abuse.

It appears to me that the reason for this is:
- he wants a divorce; and
- he want you to leave (rather than him leaving); and
- he wants you to leave everything to him

In other words, it appears to mainly be motivated by money (even if there are also other reasons)

In terms of staying for the kids - the interaction between to the two is doing vast damage to what they think is a normal, healthy relationship...they are now in a training ground to find either a similar husband, or do similar things to their wives.

You need to get out of there as soon as possible. Seek both a counsellor, and domestic violence shelter. Then commence divorce and custody proceedings. It's difficult, but this is life.

Your children will be much better of with just you, than either:
- in a family with a man who is so abusive; or
- just with him (either of these two options would be a nightmare for their growth to adulthood)

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Lonely -

You must find ONE live person to talk to. This is too big of an issue to talk about on-line. You should be able to find a Domestic Abuse center near you. Call them today. Gather up your birth certificate, your ID, any other important papers and get ready to leave to a safe and secure place.

You need to get somewhere safe so you can heal. When you get healed, you can face this monster of a man (and he IS a monster).

Do this for your kids. He is training them to see that this is how women are treated. You must show them that how you are treated is unacceptable.

Good luck.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Ditto on Punkey's answer

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@LonelyGirl2014,

You have been created beautiful in God's eye. I know this may sound crazy, but a man really needs a woman to stand up for herself in order for him to respect her. This is something that he really needs and wants. It's important for you to respond to him. If he calls you a bitch, kindly let him know that you're not a bitch. Also, take a piece of paper and write down all the wonderful things you would like your marriage to be. What would be the perfect marriage for you? What would be the perfect relationship for you. Sometimes we want our perfect life to be with a certain person, but we have to be willing to have a perfect life with or without that person. From this day forward, do not speak anything bad about yourself. You are lovely! I know it's hard to live in the environment that you are in, but you must find a way to ignore your husband and encourage yourself. Tell your kids that you love them everyday, but always respond to your husband in a positive way. This is not to help him, but to help you. You haven't had good support from people in your past, and I'm really sorry about that, but you can choose to start a new life today. ***I LOVE YOU AND GOD LOVES YOU TOO***

1 Reply

@GodIs,

Quote:

I know this may sound crazy, but a man really needs a woman to stand up for herself in order for him to respect her.

Sorry, but in context, this is so singular (a single aspect of a larger system) as to be greatly misleading.

Every person deserves to talked to with respect. People with high self esteem, and compassion, already do this with everyone. They don't need others to stand up for themselves to show normal respect to them...as you appear to claim.

But from the 'normal amount of respect' we give to each other person - the amount of respect a person feels towards another can rise as that other shows attributes worthy of greater respect. Just one of these attributes is standing up for yourself.

Quote:

This is something that he really needs and wants.

In the context of the OP's post, this statement is loaded:
- it could be downright false. He may not want, or feel the need for someone to stand up to him
- it could be somewhat true.
- it isn't the reason for his extreme emotional abuse, although it could be read as you presenting it that way
- it could lead to an increase in attacks should she start standing up for herself (normally it does in this sort of situation, as the domineering one tries to bully their way back to dominance)

Quote:

You are lovely! I know it's hard to live in the environment that you are in, but you must find a way to ignore your husband and encourage yourself. Tell your kids that you love them everyday, but always respond to your husband in a positive way.

I recall reading a book detailing the early days of police negotiators. In one case, the police called the local reverend in to help talk to a suicidal parishoner that was holding a shotgun to his own head.

The police negotiator said "son, put the gun down'

The reverend said 'go on son, do it.'

The man pulled the trigger.

1 Reply

How can u get to be almost 30 and not know that there are government funded organizations funded by the government knee deep begging to help you stick it to your man?

I call BULLSHIT!

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

Do you find it suspicious that 'if she knew they existed then she must want to use them' so it's bullshit that she doesn't know about such things?

Maybe she knows, but it's never have crossed her mind to use such services. Many people don't want to admit 'failure' to a person, or see their reaction...it's different on the net, being anonymous.

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@vikorr,

I appreciate your comments, so please let me explain my answers.

1- (I know this sound crazy.....) My reason in answering in this manner, for I know that everyone deserve to be spoken to with respect; but if someone is disrespecting his spouse, it is usually because the spouse does not command respect. When I say "command respect", it does not mean to demand the respect of others, but rather, to know within yourself that you deserve the respect you want. When I said "stand up for yourself", it did not mean to stand up against her husband, but rather, to stand up within herself and be proud of who she is regardless of what anybody else is saying about her.

2-(This is something that he really needs......) Of course, it is impossible to give this young lady the total solution to her situation in just a few paragraphs. She needs books, counseling, and a loving, encouraging, understanding support group to help her out. Remember, standing up against her husband was not the intent of my statement. I believe that her husband needs to see her as being happy with herself and proud of who she is. But because of her past life and all of the close relatives that have put her down, she has developed in her lifestyle an atmosphere of low self-esteem which the husband does not know how to handle and does not want around him. The husband needs his wife to be able to build him up emotionally, but she can't do this until she lift herself up. It would be nice if the husband would lovingly help his wife, but this is not the case in this relationship.

3- (You are lovely.............) I may had over did it with this statement, however, my intent was to help her see how lovely she should see herself. I wanted her to ignore the negative reactions of her husband as much as possible while trying to return positive responses towards him in hopes that he would tone down his negative expressions of her. She mentioned how much she does around the house, but she never mentioned whether or not she told him how much she loves him, or how wonderful he is. Maybe it's true that he just don't want her. My goal is to help her move on with joy and pride. She should not live her life in fear and degradation.

2 Replies

@GodIs,

I am sorry, you are delusional and your advice is useless.

Her husband is an abuser and he's an ass, period. How can she emerge from this as a happy go lucky person? She cannot and unless she changes her living situation, she'll be trapped with that no-good-SOB.

My advice: If you cannot afford counseling, please go to a woman shelter and talk to someone there. Look online for free legal counseling in your area and talk to a lawyer. Then present your husband with the facts - which are: should you divorce him (and you should) he will be paying for 5 children support and alimony for you; that's in addition to you keeping the house and he living in a shack where he belongs.

The first thing you do, however, is go and get your driver's license, so you're mobile.

If you let someone treat you like a doormat, then you're to blame partially for that too. Stand up for yourself and get moving, get all the resources you need, all the information you can get and then present it to that sorry ass of a wuss. Let him know that you are the one who is calling the shots and not him.

Chances are that he will never change and your marriage cannot be salvaged, but you can become a proud individual who is able to handle her life and show your children what you can do!

1 Reply

@GodIs,

Sorry Godls - you are spouting victim propoganda:

- Do you realise that not one part of your response talk about him needing to take responsibility for his abuse / disrespect / anger?

- Do you realise that your posts constantly imply that she is responsible for his actions?

Quote:

1- (I know this sound crazy.....) My reason in answering in this manner, for I know that everyone deserve to be spoken to with respect; but if someone is disrespecting his spouse, it is usually because the spouse does not command respect.

This is flat out wrong. You meet a stranger...before a word is spoken - they haven't yet commanded your respect: do you treat them disrespectfully to start with? Of course you do not.

The principles that apply to our interactions with strangers, also applies to our interactions with our spouse - they do not need to command respect to be treated with respect.

Now, where conflict arises, there is the fact that how we act influences the others behaviours. But, how we act is never responsible for another's behaviour - and we should be careful to never suggest such, especially when someone is being severely abused (this is after all, the exact same line the abuser uses eg. "I wouldn't yell at you if you didn't make me so angry")

Quote:

she has developed in her lifestyle an atmosphere of low self-esteem which the husband does not know how to handle and does not want around him.

You cannot possibly know the underlined part is a consequence of the scenario you claimed, rather than a consequence of her husbands behaviour. Many women have gone from good self esteem to low, through ending up with the wrong man (and visa versa for with men losing self esteem when with the wrong woman). And as pointed out earlier - you join the two parts (underlines & italicised) into single sentences that suggest she is 'responsible' for his behaviour.

Quote:

The husband needs his wife to be able to build him up emotionally, but she can't do this until she lift herself up. It would be nice if the husband would lovingly help his wife, but this is not the case in this relationship.

So it's the wife's responsibility to be the strong one, to be the protector, and to be the provider (of emotional well being)?

Quote:

She should not live her life in fear and degradation

If she sees herself as somehow responsible for his abuse...that is degrading.

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

WOW!!! Delusional??? Really?? It's amazing that I am called delusional when the rest of your comment is based on what I have already said, only in different words. Is anger the solution to this situation? Sure, she can up and leave. Sure, she can get a divorce. Sure this man is acting like, (as you put it) a "no-good-SOB". But my response to her was based on the notion that she is still in love with her husband. I know what it's like to be degraded, and I know what it is like to be free from it. And all I want for her is to be free without all the anger attached to it. The only way to do that is to love yourself, and it takes time for persons to love themselves if they are not accustomed to doing so. But I won't argue with you. I can understand the way you see it.

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@vikorr,

MY GOODNESS!!!!!! ARE YOU A PERSON THAT JUST LOVES TO ARGUE OR WHAT???? How in the world did you get those conclusions from my comments? I have no idea! Anybody in their right mind would know that she is NOT responsible for his crazy actions. NO ONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW OTHERS TREAT THEM. BUT WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW WE TREAT OURSELVES!

I know what it's like to be talked down to. And I know what it's like to finally be free from the anxiety of that environment. Accepting how you see yourself is always better than accepting how other people see you. Your happiness is based on how you see yourself, not how other people see you.

Rather than argue with you, for I believe that there is nothing I could say that will not bring a negative comment from you. We are supposed to be helping the young lady, not arguing about who's advice is wrong. Have you put yourself in her shoes? Do you know exactly what she is going through? Have you ever been in love with someone who doesn't love you anymore? This situation is complicated, but when people learn to be happy and proud of themselves while loving themselves in a positive and healthy way, then these complications can be handled with less anxieties.

I only want her to be happy. It's her choice which advice she will take. Arguing among each other is not going to help her case. I'm sorry if I offended you with any of my comments. My advice was to her. And hopefully she took it differently knowing that everything I said was in love.

1 Reply

@GodIs,

Quote:

How in the world did you get those conclusions from my comments? I have no idea!

Some of those conclusions were very straightforward - you didn't once suggest that he is responsible for his behaviour. And and example was also given of you implying that she was responsible for his behaviour.

I would suggest that Your statement that you have no idea how I reached those conclusions, should be closely examined by yourself as to your motives for 'not seeing' how I arrived at those conclusions.

Quote:

We are supposed to be helping the young lady, not arguing about who's advice is wrong.

The issue is twofold:
- your advice, phrased the way you are phrasing it...can be interpreted in a very destructive way.
- And some of it is flat out wrong, and can cause damage

Should a person providing advice to a vulnerable person be allowed to provide potentially destructive advice, without another person saying 'hey, hold on a minute...do you realise how what you are saying can be interpreted?' or 'hey hold on a minute, that's damaging advice'?

I should think that, if you love people (as you mention), that you would have no issue with such intervention.

It is up to you what you do with this.

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I hate even waking up.

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